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When Magical Girls Go Wrong, Part 4
By His Lordship Chaos
Part IV: Chaos' Fight To The Finish! Love & Justice Wins All!
Chaos: --;; "Yeah, right. Just what kind of a moron comes up with such sappy episode titles anyways?!"
Tamagoyaki: [dressed up as an SD Gundam-chan] "I don't think we should be debating that right now, Chaos! The Sandoitchi youma's still after us!"
Sandoitchi-chan: [pose!] "Rye!"
Chaos: o.O;; "KYAAAAAAAAA!!! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!!"
Yep, as you can see, the last eyecatch didn't exactly leave your hero...heroine...what am I supposed to be right now?! But I'm ranting here. So it appeared that the talking rodent and myself were in a bit of a pinch. A demon-possessed club sandwich was trying to savagely rip out my pure heart, and to stop this from happening I had to dress up in a skirt and follow the instructions of a talking gerbil for a mascot.
The only silver lining in this cloud happened to be seeing the still scantily-clad Peanut Butter and Jelly cackle at my predicament--and subsequently demonstrate a solid 8.0 measure on the Gainax bounce-o- meter. Unfortunately, they suffered from an incurable villainous underling syndrome:
Peanut Butter: "Now then, even though we don't have your pure heart yet--"
Jelly: "We're sure that Sandoitchi-chan--"
Both: "Can steal it from you all by himself. Bye-bye!"
Chaos: [???] "They're leaving?"
Tamagoyaki: [sigh!] "Contractual villainous underlings; they always leave early, and let a kick the hopelessly inept monster o' the day's butt in privacy."
Chaos: [chasing after the twins] "Wait! I haven't gotten your phone numbers yet!"
[Exit the twins!]
Tamagoyaki: "Chaos, you moron! They've already disappeared! Stop running or you'll hit that--ewww...never mind."
Chaos: @.@ "Ow."
Sandoitchi-chan: [quickly taking Chaos' pulse] "Raisin bread!"
Tamagoyaki: [punting the youma across the park] "Get off my magical girl!"
And with the threat to Earth momentarily taking a dip in the local fountain, my furry rodent for a mascot took great care in reviving me. However I don't think he had to shave his name in the back of my head.
Chaos: --;; "......"
Tamagoyaki: ^-^ [with razor!] "Think of this as added incentive for you to wear your wig more often."
Chaos: [grrrr!] "I only wear the wig when I transform into this stupid magical girl get-up in the first place!!"
Tamagoyaki: "Aw, but you look so cute with long blonde hair!"
Chaos: "Okay, that's it! I'm feeding you to the first python I can find."
[Suddenly the gerbil pulls out a Beam Sabre!]
Tamagoyaki: "You can try, but you'd better ask yourself one question: do I feel lucky? Well do ya...fanboy?"
It appeared that this rant was going downhill at the rate of an avalanche of love and justice. The Club Sandwich youma decided to suddenly show up again (though slightly soggy) and proceeded to viciously attack us.
Yes indeed, it was absolutely terrifying to find ourselves at the mercy of acidic mayonnaise, and razor-sharp slices of tomatoes. Mainly because someone evidently had to think up such deranged sandwich- themed attacks in the first place.
However I wasn't the star of my high school track team for nothing! I dodged the mayonnaise and the tomatoes--only to get swatted by the youma's lettuce whip. However it turns out gerbils really have a thing for lettuce; Tamagoyaki ate the whip in about five seconds.
Tamagoyaki: [plump li'l mascot] "BUUUUURRRRRPPPP!!! Ah, delicious!"
Chaos: "I...I'm amazed. You actually do serve a purpose in these rants other than to antagonize me."
Tamagoyaki: "If I let you get killed, I'm unemployed."
Chaos: -;; "I knew it was too good to be true."
Sandoitchi-chan: [chaaaarge!] "Enriched white!"
[Cue the turkey meat projectile darts!]
Chaos: o.O;; "Kyaaaaa!!! I could use a little help here!"
Tamagoyaki: "Quick! Use your magical girl weapon: the enchanted rocket launcher of love!"
Chaos: >) "I'm starting to like this magical girl thing."
Now don't ask me how I managed to hide something as absurdly oversized as a rocket launcher somewhere in my leotard. But I pulled that lovingly destructive weapon of love and justice out from behind my back and aimed it directly at the youma.
Sandoitchi-chan: o.O [blink blink!] "Pumpernickel?"
Chaos: [heh heh] "Toasted or non, Mister Demonic Sandwich?"
Chaos: "Now what?!"
Tamagoyaki: "You can't just leisurely pull out your magical weapon and blow away the villain! It's against your Magical Girl Instrumentality contract."
Chaos: --;; "You do realize you're ruining the only big moment in this entire rant where I get to redeem myself for all the cross- dressing."
Tamagoyaki: ^^ "Hai! Now then, we've got too much open air at the end of this rant, so you have to take a long time to spin your rocket launcher around in a graceful and magical fashion. Then you freeze, posing for the audience--and only then do you get to fire the missile of love and justice!"
Sandoitchi: [chaaaaaarge!] "Multi-grain!"
Chaos: "Hold it, you possessed packet of luncheon meats. Can't you see we're in a meeting here?!"
Sandoitchi: [blink blink!] "French loaf?"
As it turned out, I could be attacked by a pack of ravenous lawyers if I didn't fulfill all my contractual obligations for being a magical girl. So grudgingly I started to do the ballerina thing and twirled the rocket launcher over my head as I pranced around.
Tamagoyaki: [sigh!] "Oh, stop your twitching. I'm sure it's just a mild concussion you've got."
Anyhoo, I did the final dance steps and made a dramatic pose. To add to the effect, Tamagoyaki yanked on a pan-dimensional rope dangling next to his head, and a backdrop featuring a bunch of sumo wrestlers doing practice exercises was unrolled behind me.
Chaos: "And just what does sumo wrestling have to do with Magical Girls?!"
Tamagoyaki: ^-^ "Nothing. I've just always wanted to use this backdrop."
Chaos: [grrrr!] "Why you little...!"
Tamagoyaki: "Now shout out the magical spell to activate the enchanted rocket launcher of love!"
Chaos: "I don't have to shout anything! I can just pull the damn trigger!"
Tamagoyaki: [pulling out the Galaxy Gun] "Say it!"
Chaos: o.O;; "Okay."
And so for the sake of the earth's safety, in the name of love and justice, and just thrilled to no end to be allowed to play with large incendiary devices, I picked up that magical rocket launcher and let the Club Sandwich youma have it.
Chaos: "DELICATE KISS TO ALL YOUMA WITH A BIG FLAMING MISSILE OF DEATH ATTACK!!"
With a special effects extravaganza that no doubt bankrupted the entire annual budget of the Anime on DVD webpage, the Club Sandwich youma was colorfully annihilated in a massive explosion of flames, flying debris and kawaii little floating hearts. But right before he was vaporized, Sandoitchi-chan managed to cry out his final epitaph: "Cheque please!"
Chaos: [sigh!] "Yes! Finally, it's over, and I don't ever have to worry about cross-dressing again!"
Tamagoyaki: "Um, Chaos? That was only the first battle."
Chaos: [very unimpressed] "WHAT?"
Tamagoyaki: "You may have defeated Sandoitchi-chan, but Peanut Butter and Jelly got away. Not to mention we haven't even seen Dark Schnitzel yet."
Chaos: [twitch twitch!] "You mean I have to do a sequel now?!"
Tamagoyaki: "You should have read your Magical Girl contract better. 'When Magical Girls Go Wrong R' is certain to be lurking just around the corner. And we'll have to practice really hard to outdo this first season of rants. Ne?"
Chaos: [irate li'l SD magical girl mode!] "GET YOUR FURRY LITTLE BUTT OVER HERE SO I CAN KICK IT, YOU TALKING RODENT!!"
Tamagoyaki: [nyah nyah!] "You have to catch me first!"
Yes, danger had been averted and the Earth was saved...for now. But now if we may switch gears (but certainly not cogs, since that's illegal), we suddenly jump to the obligatory "I'll get you next time" villain scene!
[Cue the dark and murky underground throne room!]
Dark Schnitzel: "Peanut Butter...Jelly...where is my pure heart?"
Peanut Butter: [bowing] "I'm sorry, Sir, but it would appear that this planet has managed to sign someone on to be its guardian magical girl."
Dark Schnitzel: "A Magical Girl on Earth?! And I'll bet she's got some annoyingly kawaii mascot with her too."
Jelly: "But that's not all, Sir! This magical girl is...well...is not really a girl."
Dark Schnitzel: [eyebrow twitch!] "Cross-dressers?"
Peanut Butter & Jelly: "Hai!"
Dark Schnitzel: "Hmmm...it would appear I underestimated the Magical Girl Instrumentality Project. You two can take five in the jacuzzi for the obligatory bathhouse and fanservice scene. I must be left alone to ponder this new development."
Peanut Butter & Jelly: ^-^ [nekkid flashes for everyone!] "Hai, Schnitzel-sama!"
[The twins slowly walk out of the throne room.]
Dark Schnitzel: [to himself] "Well then, my little Magical Cross- dresser, you may have won this battle. But I'll have the last laugh when I conquer Earth! MWAH HA HAH HA HAH HAH HA H--haaaack! *sniffle!* Stupid allergies."
Peanut Butter: [aside to Jelly] "I keep telling him to dust this place once a week, but does he ever listen?"
Jelly: [nod!] "And he should really put in a few skylights too. This room is so devoid of sunshine, it's depressing."
Dark Schnitzel: "I heard that!"
Peanut Butter & Jelly: o.O [erk!] "......"
Dark Schnitzel: "I do not tolerate insubordinate underlings--even if they are really cute and underdressed. As punishment, you two must take a bath in a jacuzzi...with your swimsuits on!"
Peanut Butter & Jelly: "Awwww, but Schnitzel-sama!"
Dark Schnitzel: [talk to the overlord's hand] "You can give the male readers fanservice later--when you get me a pure heart."
Peanut Butter & Jelly: ;_; "Hai...."
[End...or is it?]