Mania Manifesto

Akira
© Toho

The Mania Manifesto: Five Signs the Apocalypse is Upon Us

By: Damon Brown
Date: Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Each week, Mania special correspondent Damon Brown, author of Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider and Other Sexy Games Changed Modern Pop Culture, offers his unique take on society, entertainment and other issues of critical concern to Maniacs. You can also find Brown writing about technology, sex, music and video games for Playboy and Spin.

Reason #5: Megatron, Optimus Prime Join Forces to Own You

THE SITUATION: Microsoft has been salivating over Yahoo! for more than a year, and now, based on cutting remarks by CEO Steve Ballmer, the Borg is ready to assimilate.

WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: Along with Google, Microsoft and Yahoo! own the internet. The merger of these two companies would fuse the communications user bases of Yahoo! mail and Hotmail, the entertainment link between Yahoo! Games and Xbox Live, and the search power of Yahoo! and MSN.com. It would be hard not to open up a browser without being part of the Microhoo! system. However, the real apocalypse comes when Google decides not to idly stand by and, in retaliation, purchases Wal-Mart, Starbucks and Celine Dion’s eggs.

Reason #4: Gas Will Drink Your Milkshake

THE SITUATION: According to a recent report from a gas research organization, average American fuel prices will top off at $3.60/gallon. Whew! As a result of skyrocketing prices, scientists worldwide are researching cars that run on corn, water and other biofuels.

WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: We’re positive some genius/madman is researching blood-efficient hybrid cars, using street urchins, working girls and “other undesirables” as fodder. It’s people. Chevron gas is made out of people. (R.I.P. Moses)

Reason #3: Uber-Nerd William Petersen Is Highest Paid Actor on Television

THE SITUATION: According to several sources, while other actors sweat the financial fallout of the prolonged Writer’s Guild strike, CSI lead actor William Petersen negotiated the biggest deal in recent memory. Grissom will now earn approximately $600,000 per episode for the rest of the 2007-2008 CSI season. Furthermore, he isn’t going to show up in all the remaining episodes–just a handful. One recent episode, for instance, had Grissom in only half the show because he was “sick at home.” He is now the highest paid actor on television.

WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: David Caruso will be getting a raise soon.

Reason #2: Nintendo Will Initiate the Next (and Final) Crusade

THE SITUATION: Churches from San Francisco to Grand Rapids are using Nintendo’s must-have-well-beyond-holiday-season-2006 system to pull in younger, hipper potential followers. It’s unclear whether Sunday service includes doing a grand slam on Miisus.

WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: Religion is a dangerous thing. During the Middle Ages, thousands, if not millions were hanged, skewered and shish-kabobed in the name of the Lord, and everything from the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to 9/11 goes back to holy books. Combine religion with the power of the world’s most loved brand and you have the ultimate merger of church and state. You thought the Wiimote accidents on YouTube were bad? Wait until Miyamoto-san launches SkyNet.

Reason #1: Akira Is Being Remade…by Hollywood

THE SITUATION: According to Variety, a Leo DiCaprio-affiliated company is translating Otomo’s classic 1988 apocalyptic anime into two live-action movies. The first will be out in summer 2009. Can we say “fast track”?

WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: From Transformers and Speed Racer to G.I. Joe and the A-Team, Hollywood is pimping the hell out of our childhoods. However, touching this beautiful, flawless gem of a movie and turning it into two live-action American flicks is the last straw. The movie’s Armageddon theme isn’t a coincidence. DICAPRIO!!!!!

Read Damon Brown’s blog at www.damonbrown.net.

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Comments/Responses

ponyboy76 • Apr 22, 2008, 02:39am •

Good article, but I'd day hands down the scariest point made on this was the first. Microsoft already has a huge monopoly and allowing them to buy Yahoo! is just going to make it worse. I have a yahoo! email address and a hotmail address for a reason. It gives me more freedom or at least the sense of freedom. Having the 2 merge is just plain wrong. I wonder when Bill Gates will begin construction on the Death Star? If he hasn't already.

mike10 • Apr 22, 2008, 04:37am •

Didn't you notice? That's not the Moon, it's a Space Station!

But don't worry, it's systems are run by Microsoft Vista...

ponyboy76 • Apr 22, 2008, 05:06am •

Haha, good one Mike10. I`m picturing the end of Star Wars just as the guys about to hit the switch.

manjisan • Apr 22, 2008, 06:01am •

"KANEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" shall be the new "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Seriously though, why? Why not a live adaptation of Blade of the Immortal or Ninja Scroll to start?

gauleyboy420 • Apr 22, 2008, 09:15am •

I think the scariest one is #4. Not because of the $3 gas, but because we're growing food for cars (ethanol) while people are starving and food riots are happening around the globe. F ethanol. It's a less than half assed solution designed to make the upper middle class fell good about themselves, and to make the oil companies more $$$. (Shell Oil is buying farmland in the mid-west U.S.) .......................................FOOD IS FOR PEOPLE NOT CARS!!!!!

trazalca • Apr 22, 2008, 10:26am •

These signs couldn't be more apt, but I think it ought to be far bigger than it is. I'm just too tired think of them. Long story worth blogging later about.

Reason 5: Yahoo! owned by Microsoft simply scares me. I see nothing good in it. It's only another step in Microsoft's attempt to ruling the world. I own a few accounts on Yahoo, and the idea of Microsoft touching them sends ice water down my spine.

Reason 4: "Chevron gas is made of people." Genius!

Reason 3: I'm kind of glad Mr. Petersen is getting the kind of moolah he's signed up for. But no matter how many times I see him, his acting just doesn't warrant it for me. It always seems just enough for the job. The question I have is where's Keifer Sutherland's money? I mean, come on! His acting chops are da bomb, yo.
Seriously.

Reason 2: Church-goers are a social lot. That said, the Wii fits them to a tee. However, the idea of using technology or a game to draw people in seems terribly gimmicky. The idea may sound great on paper, but the reality may prove something else entirely. It raises the level of being disingenuous to such a high glare, the threat of ruptured corneas would abound. It's just not a good idea.

Reason 1: When I read about this, I nearly gagged on a Pringles chip. And in kind, I would love nothing more than for DiCrapio to go choke on that Heart of the Ocean sapphire ala Titanic. Do we really need a live action version for EVERY ANIME/MANGA ever RELEASED??? The best line in that whole article summed it up for me:
"Hollywood is pimping the hell out of our childhoods." Sad, but true.

You know, when I was a kid, I loved the heck out of my Micronauts collection. They were awesome, with interchangeable parts that Lego hadn't the idea-machine to dream up of yet. How cool was it to turn a working, battery-powered engine that could act to turn parts for a spaceship AND a submarine that actually worked under water? And shoot missiles? It was too sweet.
[sarcasm]So, where's my movie? Where's my mega-million franchise for them? And for that matter, from the bowels of that forlorn arcade era, what about a TV mini-series for Tempest? I know I plunked down more than a few bills of quarters for that one. And for that matter, Hollywood is taking WAYYYY too long for kicking Discs of Tron out of pre-production hell. I mean, really. They need to get on the ball.[/sarcasm]

jrok78 • Apr 22, 2008, 10:39am •

SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OF PEOPLE!

Now that was a good reference

WISEGUY562 • Apr 22, 2008, 11:34am •

#5-IMO is total hyperbole. The net cannot be owned by any one co. There are two many search engines, companies and individuals willing and jumping in with new and great ideas all the time. If anyone wants to they can bypass these companies for the most part.............#4-Agree with gauley and on top of that the price of food is skyrocketing because of the demand of ethanol. Ethanol just isn't a viable solution in the long run and is hurting everybody now............#3-who cares? The best people at their craft are not always the best paid...............#2-who cares? That's an individual choice.............#1-I'm glad our childhood is being pimped. I love that they're making all these films, even if they are remakes and I don't agree with their new vision. At least it's being kept alive and introduced to a new generation and it'll keep being passed down with new interpretations. In 20 years our kids will be upset to the new changes made to Transformers and GI Joe, but they will still be alive, and not just in our memories.

hanso • Apr 22, 2008, 11:47am •

What's a clearer sign that this is going to end than our current administration??

gauleyboy420 • Apr 22, 2008, 12:43pm •

True dat, Hanso...oh jeezus did I just say true dat?
Thats another sign of the coming apocalypse

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