The new iPhone will take your money, soul!
© Apple
Mania Manifesto: Top 6 Evil Uses for the New iPhone
By: Damon BrownDate: Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Each week, Mania special correspondent Damon Brown, author of Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider and Other Sexy Games Changed Modern Pop Culture, offers his unique take on society, entertainment and other issues of critical concern to Maniacs. You can also find Brown writing about technology, sex, music and video games for Playboy and New York Post.
#6: Frivolous Spending
THE SITUATION: Earlier this year Apple made the Apple Music Store available on the iPhone so, via wireless connection, customers could download music on the go. This week Apple officially launched the mobile App Store, which, according to the New York Times , will have 500 different widgets and accessories. Steve Jobs says 25 percent of them will be free…
WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: This means the other 375 apps will cost you cash. Like the video game microtransactions for a bigger gun or for a limited character costume, the App Store is shaping up to be the ultimate Chinese water torture. iPhone apps are already addictive, but now they’re waiting in your pocket. And you thought buying a Coldplay ringtone whenever you went into Starbucks was tempting. Ha!
#5: Neurotic Social Networking
THE SITUATION: Facebook, MySpace and other social networking tools are being updated for the new iPhone 2.0 software. While they have had limited mobile versions before, the social networking sites’ new editions seem as robust as their full-fledged Internet counterparts. To be fair, mobile MySpace and its ilk have been around for years on obscure phones such as the Helio , but the iPhone 2.0 software, which is available for both new and old iPhones, is the first time it will be freely available to buckets of consumers. Apple sold 5.8 million iPhones before the new one was announced.
WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: Productivity and rampant ADD are already on the rise because of our damn need to check to see if someone posted on our wall or if some hot girl added us as a friend. Imagine if you could keep track of these updates every second of the day? Now you can.
#4: Surveillance
THE SITUATION: During last month’s Apple conference, CEO Steve Jobs excitedly showed the new built-in GPS system. Missing from the original iPhone release, the GPS not only can give directions but follow your movements as you travel. (Displaying a video, he showed how the blue dot shifted as he went across San Francisco.) A startup called Whrrl then showed its social networking software and how you can add people to a buddy list to see “where they are and what they are doing at this second.”
WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: Geeks are known for creating genius instruments but not having the wherewithal to think about the negative social applications. Now you can pretend to be friends with people, get into their inner circle and, if you like, freely hunt them down or, if you like, let them continue to live their pathetic lives. And surely someone in Homeland Security is having a heart attack as we speak. Remember: If you add “OB Laden” to your buddy list, the terrorists win.
#3: Walking ATMs
THE SITUATION: The App Store, as well as other new tools, such as the business networking tool Mobile Me, will increase the amount of sensitive information passing through the iPhone, through the wireless channels and to the receiver.
WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: A year ago critics complained that the iPhone wasn’t as secure as a laptop, or even as much as other smartphones. Now? Not much has changed. And companies like eBay and Barnes & Noble are ready for you to do big-budget purchases through your phone. Identity theft is a hell of a surcharge.
#2: Helping Steve Jobs’ Turtleneck Fund
THE SITUATION: The Apple conference crowd roared as Jobs announced that the next generation iPhone would only be $199. It wasn’t until days later that journalists realized the new a la carte service plan would actually cost customers more.
WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: The phone is half price, but the service is crazy high! Between charging for (once cheap) text messaging, increasing the monthly data transfer cost by a Hamilton and pushing the expensive Mobile Me networking service, users end up paying an additional $1,000 compared to the original’s two-year contract. Thanks, Steve!
#1: iPorn
THE SITUATION: By opening up software development to everyone, Apple is allowing everyone to make tailor-made applications for the iPhone. The iPhone 3G promises three times the download speed.
WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: Naughty website Digital Playground , not safe for work, ahem, depending on your job) launched iPhone-compatible trailers for their videos the week the original iPhone came out. Now DP and its competitors are going to have a field day with the iPhone 3G and its, cough, fast-streaming downloads. The touchscreen and zoom haven’t been utilized by any major porn companies, but the iPhone’s new easy software creation will make today’s mobile porn look like ASCII.
Read Damon’s blog at www.damonbrown.net.
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