Anne Hathaway and Steve Carell star in GET SMART(2008).
© Warner Bros.

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Mania Manifesto: Top 7 Get Smart Gadgets

Each week, Mania special correspondent Damon Brown, author of Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider and Other Sexy Games Changed Modern Pop Culture, offers his unique take on society, entertainment and other issues of critical concern to Maniacs. You can also find Brown writing about technology, sex, music and video games for Playboy and Spin.

#7: Canine Mind Control

THE SITUATION: When the evil organization KAOS secretly infiltrates a pet spa, it uses a mind control device to brainwash and manipulate dogs. They begin mercilessly killing their owners.

WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: With future ASCPA-award-winner Michael Vick and insane rapper DMX treating dogs like roaches, the CIA could do much worse than to invest in this technology. If only every drug dealer’s pitbull could talk…

#6: Knife-Throwing Suitcase

THE SITUATION: Like the accessory for a black-tie ninja, the knife-throwing suitcase would shoot at unsuspecting victims with the press of a button. If wielded incorrectly, the only person getting stabbed would be the agent himself.

WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: The coolness doesn’t come from its power – the whole idea of bringing a knife to a gun fight doesn’t sound so appealing – but the passive design makes it perfect for sneak attacks. How many people still carry briefcases today, though? It would have to be updated to a MacAir (for shrunken), a Nintendo DS (for small poisonous darts) or a Rock Band guitar (for spears).

#5: Suction Cup Shoes

THE SITUATION: Two decades after Velcro was invented, Max Smart used suction cup shoes to scale vertical walls. They often didn’t work.

WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: There isn’t a modern day equivalent of suction cup shoes because they are stupid. However, the concept itself is solid. Magnetic shoes would be much more practical, perhaps with a little charge control to manipulate how much gravity to create. If Max Smart were a young, spry spy today, though, he probably would skip the fancy shoes and just learn to parkour. Who needs to climb a wall when you can bounce?

#4: Necktie Communicator

THE SITUATION: As an agent often on dangerous missions, it was imperative that Max Smart send messages to his other colleagues discreetly. The necktie communicator was both fashionable and subtle, as was his football, Fudgesicle and French baguette.

WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: Star Trek Bluetooth ears are already the hot accessory, and it will only be a matter of time before they fit inside your ear. As with suitcases, neckties are a little out of fashion – perhaps a bolo or the little alligator on the Izod shirt. It’s also worth noting that Smart may have inspired one of the best fake inventions ever: the Beeper Tie.

#3: New Face Spray

THE SITUATION: After his cover is blown, Max Smart (played by Don Adams) goes to the CONTROL agency’s resident, Dr. Proctor, to get a new face sprayed on. His first face they try is based on Martin Landeau, the actor who played the disguise expert on the ‘60s show Mission Impossible. The second is Phyllis Diller.

WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: Number one, a spray-on face would ease the lives of bank robbers, Interpol-listed ethnic cleansers and guile adulterers. Second, everyday people would be able to show a “better” version of themselves. Imagine getting ready for that big job interview by getting a fresh haircut, spitshined shoes and a new face. It must have seemed bizarre four decades ago, but we seem to be virtually there  now.

#2: Cone of Silence

THE SITUATION: When discussing top-secret intelligence to a CONTROL colleague, Smart would use the Cone of Silence. Shaped like a plastic right-side up bra, the Cone of Silence would snuggly overlap Smart and another officer. It sometimes worked so well that the two agents themselves wouldn’t be able to hear each other – they’d have to yell.

WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: Secrets are getting harder to keep as the world gets smaller and smaller. While DARPA has likely already had its own Cone of Silence up and running since Get Smart first aired, our publicly known technology, like the Mosquito, restricts who can hear what sounds. The next generation will totally have voice modulators tuned into who they specifically want to talk with.

#1: Shoe Phone

THE SITUATION: Smart’s best-known gadget, his loafer would be the easiest way to contact CONTROL headquarters. The agent would eventually use other devices, such as cigarette lighters, fire hydrants and cheese sandwiches.

WHY IS THIS ON THE LIST?: This month’s Apple conference keynote pushed the idea of “location-sensitive searching,” meaning that your iPhone will modify itself based on your whearabouts in the current city or country. Would it take much more to modify any object, via satellite, into a virtual phone? Finally we can get some real taco talking!

Read Damon’s blog at www.damonbrown.net.