March 4 March 10: Genre Movies Galore!

By: Sonia Mansfield
Date: Monday, March 04, 2002

So, I'm sitting here eating away at my pile of Girl Scout cookies and I'm thinking, "You know what would really make a good show? I wanna see a sitcom about a group of twenty-something friends livin' and lovin' in the big city? How come networks don't make a show like that?"

OK. I'm not really thinking that. You know why? Because that would make me a damn idiot!

I'm so sick and tired of sitcoms about beautiful people in their 20s who sit around and complain about their lives. It makes those of us who aren't beautiful and in their 20s feel like crap. Well, not me. But, other people.

I only bring this up because UPN has put ROSWELL on a shelf while it debuts THE RANDOM YEARS and AS IF, two craptastic little sitcoms about beautiful people and their damn problems.

Sorry folks. It might soften the blow to ROSWELL fans if I could tell them that the shows are at least good, but they're not. In fact, they are very, very bad. They're so inane and lame that I'd rather watch THE FAMILY GUY, and I hate THE FAMILY GUY.

I guess the only good thing I can say about them is that neither one stars a former cast member of SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE or Bob Saget.

Yeah, so anyway, let me break down the week for you. And, as always, check your local listings.

Monday, March 4

Fearing for

little Connor, Wesley kidnaps the tike from Angel only to have Holt kidnap the baby from him in tonight's all-new ANGEL (WB, 9 p.m.). Well, you know what they say about the road to Hell and good intentions...

Encore has got the right stuff at 8:20 p.m. Oops. I mean, THE RIGHT STUFF at 8:20 p.m.

I didn't particularly like UNBREAKABLE (Starz!, 7 p.m.), but a lot of people loved the unusual take on superheroes. It's got Samuel L. Jackson and he's one bad ass [expletive deleted] so it's not all bad.

The Sci Fi Channel is airing BLADE RUNNER at 6 p.m. and apparently it's the director's cut, but I don't know which one. Well, there were so many. How's a girl to keep track of them all?

TUESDAY, March 5

On his wedding day, Xander gets cold feet (marrying an ex-revenge demon could do that to you) when a stranger offers to give him a glimpse of his future in tonight's all-new BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN).

An old family friend of the Kents shows up and man, oh man, has he got the shakes in this rerun of SMALLVILLE (WB, 9 p.m.).

It's 1 p.m. to 2 p.m. in tonight's all-new 24 (Fox, 9 p.m.) and Nina thinks that Jack's family is still in danger. Plus, Palmer shows up at the headquarters demanding to talk to Jack. This show gives me a small panic attack every week. It just gets better and better.

You'll laugh because it's so freakin' awful: BORDELLO OF BLOOD is on Comedy Central at 8 p.m. Sure, it's great to see Corey Feldman working again, but not like this.

TNN (The National Network, or the network formerly known as The Nashville Network) has got STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN at 9 p.m.

WEDNESDAY, March 6

ALIEN (Sci Fi, 6 p.m.): The movie that spawned a good sequel and some other really bad ones.

Disguised as

locals, the crew of the Enterprise explore a civilization inflicted by a dangerous ailment possibly linked to a covert nuclear reactor in tonight's all-new ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.). A nuclear reactor causing birth defects? That's just crazy talk. Like that would ever happen.

SOUTH PARK kicks off its sixth season tonight on Comedy Central at 10 p.m., followed by a second episode at 10:30 in which the boys learn to properly use condoms.

TNN has got STAR TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK at 9 p.m.

Talking plant alert! LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS is on VH1 at 9 p.m.

THURSDAY, March 7

When Peter and Chris's favorite TV show is canceled, Peter concocts a plan to get it uncanceled in tonight's THE FAMILY GUY (Fox, 8 p.m.). Then at 8:30 p.m., an article in the school paper with Meg's byline, but written by Peter, outs Luke Perry (who provides his own voice).

After an accident at his gun club destroys Dale's confidence, Peggy proposes sending him on a bogus mercenary mission, which he fouls up in this rerun of KING OF THE HILL (Fox, 9 p.m.).

Earth's most popular new food is discovered and marketed by the crew, that is until one of the snacks speaks to Leela in this rerun of FUTURAMA (Fox, 9:30 p.m.). You know the same thing happened to me at Red Lobster once. True story.

Grissom investigates the murders of four monks who were shot point blank while chanting in a Buddhist temple, while Catherine reopens a cold case in which her best friend was murdered in tonight's all-new CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, 9 p.m.).

Paige discover a 10-year-old firestarter of the Stephen King variety in this rerun of CHARMED (WB, 8 p.m.). And, at 9 p.m., Paige and Piper accidentally switch bodies in yet another rerun.

FRIDAY, March 8

DARK ANGEL (Fox, 9 p.m.) is back. Max takes on a cult of superhuman blood addicts led by a Manticore mutant intent on rebuilding an X-5 army. Blood addicts? Aren't those called vampires?

Turner determines that a lethal virus is man-made, so he calls for input from his controversial mentor in tonight's STRANGE WORLD at 8 p.m. on Sci Fi Channel.

In search of a rare photo of Elvis Presley, Tucker, Grace and Wes crash an Elvis-impersonator convention sponsored by a collection of vampires eager to feed on the King's fans in tonight's THE CHRONICLE at 9 p.m. on Sci Fi Channel. I guess Elvis isn't really dead then. He's just undead.

AMC has got INDIANA AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM at 7:15 p.m.

[Cue music] I am a man of constant sorrow. [End music] You know I still can't get that song out of my head. Dammit. See if you fare any better by watching OH, BROTHER WHERE ART THOU? on Starz!, 7 p.m.

And then... HBO has got DUDE'S WHERE MY CAR? at 8 p.m. And then... No and then... And then...

SATURDAY, March 9

NBC is airing that crapsterpiece GODZILLA at 8 p.m. You know, the big budget Hollywood version for 1998. Consider yourself warned.

Buffy and Angel try to wrestle up some cowboy vampires in tonight's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (syndicated, check local listings).

And when you're done watching BUFFY, check out GENE RODDENBERRY'S ANDROMEDA (syndicated, check local listings).

What 'til they get a load of me. Check out BATMAN at 7:15 p.m. on AMC, followed by ALIEN NATION at 9:15 p.m.

Check out Roger Moore's first outing as Bond in LIVE AND LET DIE on ABC at 8 p.m.

It's a good night for movies on the Sci Fi Channel. First, there's STAR TREK: GENERATIONS at 6 p.m. followed by INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE at 8:30 p.m.

SUNDAY, March 10

An all-new FUTURAMA?! It must be my birthday or something. A planet with an ancient-Egyptian influence makes slave labor of Leela, Fry and Bender, who turns on his pals when he gains some power in tonight's FUTURAMA (7 p.m. Fox).

Cotton's financially strapped VFW group moves into Hank's home in tonight's all-new  KING OF THE HILL (7:30 p.m., Fox).

Grampa Simpson regains his driver's license to woo a new woman (voiced by Olympia Dukakis), but is goaded into a race by senior punks in tonight's all-new THE SIMPSONS (Fox, 8 p.m.).

Malcolm battles obsessively with a computer program in tonight's all-new MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (Fox, 8:30 p.m.). I think we can all relate to that. I'm still battling with my Atari 2600.

Scully circumvents the FBI's investigation into the kidnapping and does her own, assisted by Reyes and the Lone Gunmen in tonight's all-new THE X-FILES (Fox, 9 p.m.).

UPN is giving you a second chance to catch last Wednesday's ENTERPRISE tonight at 9 p.m.

Roger Moore

guest stars in tonight's all-new ALIAS (ABC, 9 p.m.) as a lethal British operative who drops a bombshell about a traitor within the Alliance of 12.

A more formidable Kroehner representative visits the Fishers. Meanwhile Brenda is nervous about hosting dinner for an old boyfriend in tonight's all-new SIX FEET UNDER (HBO, 9 p.m.).

The Sci Fi Channel gives us an update of a Stephen King classic with a two-part, four-hour miniseries titled FIRESTARTER: REKINDLED, beginning tonight at 9 p.m. and concluding tomorrow night at 9 p.m. I'll tell you what, I can't wait for an updated, two-part, four-hour miniseries for CUJO or, even better, CHRISTINE. Oh yeah.

Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.