MIKE NELSON'S MOVIE MEGACHEESE

By: John Thonen
Date: Monday, June 11, 2001

If you're anything like mewhich is fat, old, balding with bad visionthen you probably greeted the word that Mike Nelson was doing a movie book with a bit of trepidation. Sure, he'd been a jovial host of MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 for half of the show's TV run, and he was its head writer for all 10 years of its lifebut a book? Especially one with a title which seemed to suggest that it was just another dreary compendium of jibes at bad movies. Thankfully, after reading the book, I came to the realization that a guy who has spent much of his life in the company of robot puppets, was unlikely to do anything so conventional.

MOVIE MEGACHEESE is just the fix that depressed MST3K fans needed: more caustic and lunatic wit aimed at the movies. Only this time, Nelson's targets are the major movies and their stars. Opening with the dedication: 'For the very real suffering they have endured, I dedicate this book to the countless millions of courageous victims who have witnessed the feature film version of LOST IN SPACE,' Nelson proceeds to skewer the likes of Jean Claude Van Damme, Val Kilmer, Sylvester Stallone, the Baldwin, Arquette, Eztevez/Sheen families, and many more. Not all of the movies at which he takes aim are in the fantastic genres. THE SAINT, SNAKE EYES, STEPMOM and ACTION JACKSON all take well-placed hits, but they aren't alone. Nelson goes after JUDGE DREDD, SPHERE, EVENT HORIZON, ANACONDA, THE SHADOW, WHAT DREAMS MAY COME, and other overblown, lame Hollywood ducks. And hey, I kind of like SPHERE and WHAT DREAMS MAY COME, but his comments are still funny.

In these pages you can learn: that Nelson's most 'despised person list' includes Hitler, Satan and the guy that invented the leaf blower; that Kevin Costner's character in THE POSTMAN brought hope to a devastated America by delivering J. Crew catalogs and coupons for free oil changes; that sorting bullion cubes is preferable to listening to the star interviews on the SPHERE DVD; that Gene Roddenbery didn't write 'Black Like Me,' create the Popeye's Fried Chicken chain, or invent Clean Shower; and that the perfect viewer for any of the BATMAN films would be a narcoleptic, alcoholic seven-year old.

If you can laugh at movies you like, and laugh even more at movies that deserve to be laughed at, then take that gift certificate Aunt Flavia gave your for Christmas and use it to buy this book. But when she asks what you got, don't let her read itcould give the dear woman a heart attack from laughing.


MIKE NELSON'S MOVIE MEGACHEESE: 2000, Harper Entertainment. 288 pages. 15.00 U.S.