nataleekw's Blog
To Know or Not To Know...
(Wed 02/27/2008 11:56am)
I have always wondered whether it would be best to know the exact moment when you were going to die, or be sent to a place in which you were uncertain but knew that death was possible.
I remember writing farewell letters all starting with the sentence, ...If you are reading this, then I am dead... right before my tour to Iraq. I remember how hard it was to sum up everything that I wanted to say in those awkward notes. It was almost as if my life had already ended and I was forced to recall the most intimate details in order to properly thank or apologize for what I had done, or for what others had done to or for me. I wouldn't relive those moments for anything. I struggled for the last few weeks before heading off to training. I surrounded myself with friends and family to try and ease the pain, but nothing ever made it go away.
Is it harder to know that you are going to die inevitably? I once had a friend who was given a time frame on when he would pass on. He was diagnosed with Progressive Multiple Schlorosis at the ripe old age of 34. He surpassed the amount of time that he was given, but later decided to end it anyway. His six months to live lasted a little over six years. That did not stop him from shutting himself in a room in his brother's house and splattering his blood and brain all over the walls and floor. Could it have been the pressure of knowing that he would soon be eliminated or was it just the pain and the medications that forced him to pull the trigger?
(Wed 02/27/2008 11:56am)
I have always wondered whether it would be best to know the exact moment when you were going to die, or be sent to a place in which you were uncertain but knew that death was possible.
I remember writing farewell letters all starting with the sentence, ...If you are reading this, then I am dead... right before my tour to Iraq. I remember how hard it was to sum up everything that I wanted to say in those awkward notes. It was almost as if my life had already ended and I was forced to recall the most intimate details in order to properly thank or apologize for what I had done, or for what others had done to or for me. I wouldn't relive those moments for anything. I struggled for the last few weeks before heading off to training. I surrounded myself with friends and family to try and ease the pain, but nothing ever made it go away.
Is it harder to know that you are going to die inevitably? I once had a friend who was given a time frame on when he would pass on. He was diagnosed with Progressive Multiple Schlorosis at the ripe old age of 34. He surpassed the amount of time that he was given, but later decided to end it anyway. His six months to live lasted a little over six years. That did not stop him from shutting himself in a room in his brother's house and splattering his blood and brain all over the walls and floor. Could it have been the pressure of knowing that he would soon be eliminated or was it just the pain and the medications that forced him to pull the trigger?
I am no longer afraid of death, I use to be but not anymore and I am not sure what has contributed to that, if it is my age or if I am welcoming it, I think it is a little of both plus some other factors...
What does concern me is that God has been silent to me and as many times as I have asked him to talk to me or let me know he is there in one form or another I just don't feel his presence and this has left me hallowed inside to a degree...Maybe I have followed science to much and have come to the conclusion that there is more proof in where we came from instead of relying on the whole Faith concept...I can't begin to understand what you went through when you had to write your letters to those that meant so much to you and weather or not you would see those loved ones again...I guess we all come to the conclusion that we are going to die but deal with it in our different ways based on our outlook of life,religion and introspect...
As for your friend, only he knew the pain and suffering that Multiple Schlorosis was causing him and only he can answer what can't be answered now...Do you wait for death to claim you while suffering? or do you take matters into your own hands? Do we think of someone as selfish for taking there own life?, I mean there must have been so many questions running through his mind and the end result may leave allot of unanswered questions for you and his loved ones but then again you now know he no longer suffers based on weather or not religion has a big part to play in your life...