Nov. 12 Nov. 18: Mucho TV

By: Sonia Mansfield
Date: Monday, November 12, 2001

Are you finding it harder and harder to watch all those shows you wanna watch? I am.

Even with a TiVo, I'm missing stuff. On Tuesday nights alone there's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, 24, GILMORE GIRLS, SMALLVILLE, THAT '70S SHOW, UNDECLARED and SCRUBS. I mean, come on, I can't record all of them. I'm only human.

I think networks pull this crap on purpose. They know the shows' demographics. They have a pretty good idea of who's going to watch. Damn them.

It sucks. Some of these shows are going to fall through the cracks of my TV viewing. My only hope is that they don't all get cancelled so I can watch them come rerun season.

I guess I should just be thankful that these shows aren't on Sunday night against Fox's super cool line-up of FUTURAMA, KING OF THE HILL, THE SIMPSONS, MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE and (to a lesser extent) THE X-FILES.

Hey yeah, speaking of THE X-FILES, there was a time when I adored that show and now, eh, I could do without it. Honestly, it's not appointment television for me anymore. Now that Mulder is really gone (unlike his part-time gig last season) I really don't have an interest.

Now, don't get me wrong: Robert Patrick is good on the show. It's just that THE X-FILES has gotten way too complicated for me. Gone are the alien conspiracy and monster episodes. Someone has to draw me a pie chart and family tree just to explain one episode to me. THE X-FILES claims that "The truth is out there," but I have to wonder if the viewers still are.

So anyway, let me breakdown the week in TV for you. And as always, please check your local listings.

Monday, November 12

Angel must protect that bitch Darla and his unborn child when Wolfram & Hart decide to come after her on tonight's ANGEL (WB, 9 p.m.). I call her a bitch because I'm jealous, you know.

What are the chances that someone will bust a chair on Anne Robinson's back when WWF personalities appear on tonight's WEAKEST LINK (NBC, 8 p.m.)? Vegas is calling it a million-to-one shot, and I have to say, I like those odds.

I don't know how genre this item is, but I just thought I'd throw it in the mix: BIOGRAPHY (A&E, 8 p.m.) is profiling Satan. I'm not joking. I have a feeling Satan sold his soul to get this so you better watch it.

Tuesday, November 13

Uh-oh, it's magic... After her success with using magic to make Tara forget their fight, Willow tries using magic to make Buffy forget she was in heaven when they pulled her out of her grave on tonight's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, 8 p.m.). You think Willow could cast a spell on me to make me forget I ever saw THE NAKED GUN, so I could see it again for the first time? Just wondering.

Some kid falls through the

ice and almost drowns on tonight's SMALLVILLE (WB, 9 p.m.). Wait, there's more. The kid can't seem to get warm unless he steals other people's body heat. Of course, the kid does this in an evil "I'm going to kill you" way, and not the "Hey, let's get naked" kinda way. Oh, and speaking of hey-let's-get-naked, Lex convinces Clark to ask Lana out.

Tonight's 24 (Fox, 9 p.m.) takes place from 1 a.m. to 2 p.m. Jack tries to find out why a plane exploded over the Mojave desert while he hunts for his missing teenage daughter, who has been gone now for (yikes!) a whole hour. Someone alert the press! This is so unlike a teenager to sneak out and lie about it. And I'm sure Jack doesn't have other things to be worrying about.

Isabel is nervous about her impending wedding on tonight's ROSWELL (UPN, 9 p.m.). Do you think it's the lying about being an alien or is she worried about some long lost relatives crashing the reception and embarrassing her?

Wednesday, November 14

The crew of the Enterprise find a planet that's kinda like Earth, only less advanced, on tonight's ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.). We call that the 1950s.

An ancient Native American necklace is stolen and unleashes a dragon in Chicago on tonight's SPECIAL UNIT 2 (UPN, 9 p.m.). Could be worse? Could be Godzilla.

Most family sitcoms lately are complete crap. MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE is a rare exception. Tonight is another exception: BERNIE MAC is an unsentimental family sitcom starring comedian Bernie Mac (FRIDAY, THE KINGS OF COMEDY). You'll have to trust me when I saw it is definitely worth checking out. It premieres tonight on Fox at 8:30 p.m.

Thursday, November 15

Hey, CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION is on tonight at CBS 9 p.m. You know what that means don't you? That's right. Grissom and company investigate a crime scene. Man, you guys are smart - I don't care what those other TV columnists say about you. More specifically, tonight's episode has Grissom and Catherine delving into the fetish clubs of Vegas. There are so many clubs like that... ummm, not that I know anything about it.

Matt tries to uncover the truth about how his brother really died on tonight's THE AGENCY (CBS, 10 p.m.). Since when does the CIA care about the truth? Isn't that more of an FBI thing?

Prue considers marrying Cole until she comes face-to-face with his past, i.e. a woman who wants vengeance for her husband's death on tonight's CHARMED (WB, 9 p.m.). Also, Piper and Leo test their readiness to be parents. You think they'll try that old high school child development thing where they carry

around an egg?

The Griffins are placed in the witness protection program after Chris identifies a thief in a police line-up on tonight's THE FAMILY GUY (Fox, 8 p.m.). I have a place I'd love to relocate THE FAMILY GUY to. Wanna take a guess where?

Captain Liberty sleeps with the famous superhero The Immortal and kills him on tonight's THE TICK (Fox, 8:30 p.m.). I hate when that happens. Meanwhile, Arthur is crushed by The Immortal's death, and the Tick (surprise) doesn't understand what death is.

Friday, November 16

Max goes searching for her brother Zack on tonight's DARK ANGEL (Fox, 8 p.m.). Of course, her brother is in Seattle and he's half man/half machine. Ewwww, Seattle.

Encore, encore! UPN is repeating the all-musical, all-dancing BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER at 8 p.m. If you missed it the first time... what the hell is wrong with you? Idiot! Don't miss it this time.

If Buffy is not your thing, then maybe you'd like to check out THE INVISIBLE MAN on the Sci-Fi Channel at 8 p.m.

Saturday, November 17

Willow unknowingly unleashes a demon into the Internet in BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (syndicated, check local listings). The dirty old demon hangs out in chat rooms and pretends to be a hot and horny 18-year-old girl. Evil huh?

After Buffy there's GENE RODDENBERRY'S ANDROMEDA (syndicated, check local listings).

Let's play Spot the Plot Holes! Watch MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2 tonight on Showtime at 8 p.m. Of course, the real winners of the game are the people who don't watch at all.

Sunday, November 18

The gang checks out the Professor's "What If" machine on tonight's FUTURAMA (Fox, 7 p.m.).

Bobby ruins Hank's favorite pair of jeans in a home economics class project on tonight's KING OF THE HILL (Fox, 7:30 p.m.). Hank doesn't know what's worse: the ruined jeans or Bobby taking a home economics class.

"Hmmm, I'm going out

of town. Who should I get to run my bar for me while I'm gone? I'll get Homer. That's a great idea." Think that's a bad idea? So will Moe when he returns from his trip on tonight's THE SIMPSONS (Fox, 8 p.m.). REM guest stars.

Lois joins a book club while Hal stays home with the boys on tonight's MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (Fox, 8:30 p.m.). Anyone else starting to think Hal is the unsung hero of that show? Me too.

Scully's baby is starting to show signs that maybe he isn't exactly normal on tonight's THE X-FILES (Fox, 9 p.m.). Of course the baby is not normal. Duh! Doesn't Scully watch the show?

Remember last week when I said that Sydney goes undercover in a mental institution to break out John Hannah from THE MUMMY RETURNS? Well, that episode was postponed so tonight's ALIAS (ABC, 9 p.m.) is that one. Got it?

Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.