November 25 December 1: BIRDS OF PREY Crashes

By: Sonia Mansfield
Date: Monday, November 25, 2002

Hey, I know you guys are all upset about all this talk about the WB shooting down BIRDS OF PREY.

As of this column's writing, the WB hasn't officially cancelled BIRDS OF PREY, but it hasn't extended the series order beyond the original 13 either.

Here's why: The show started out with strong ratings, but over time the ratings dipped down while ratings for ABC's evil, mind-numbingly stupid BACHELOR 2 went up.

Well, the season finale of said craptastic reality show aired last week, so now is the time for all you BIRDS OF PREY fans to watch the show and get those ratings up, if you want it to survive. But, I'll be honest the outlook is not so good, well, according to my Magic 8-ball anyway.

Personally, I watch THE AMAZING RACE 3, while TiVo-ing THE WEST WING and then catching FASTLANE when it repeats on MTV, but hey, that's just me.

Just so you know, I was invited to listen in, via speakerphone, on a press conference with the participants of THE BACHELOR 2 the morning after the season finale last Wednesday. (True story.)

Yeah, that's right, I'm a big time TV critic.

So, I was totally going to do it and then I realized that I really didn't want to because I think the show is evil and stupid as hell. But here's my impression of how it would've gone:

Me: "Hi, Sonia Mansfield, TV columnist from Cinescape. What the hell is wrong with you people?"

Bachelorette: "Aaron and I really connected."

Me: "That wasn't the question. What's it like to whore yourself out on national TV?"

Bachelorette: "Ummm."

Bachelor: "Don't talk to her like that."

Me: "You're right. My bad. I'll talk slower. Whhhaaatttt... waaaass... iiiitttt... llliiikkkkeeee..."

Yeah, so anyway, let me know what you think. E-mail it to me at RedSonia@cinescape.com.

Now, let me break down the week for you. Oh, and as always, check your local listings.

Monday, November 25

It's the first Thanksgiving without mom in tonight's all-new EVERWOOD (WB, 9 p.m.). Sounds like this episode will be packed with laughs.

Tonight is the last episode for Kim Delaney in tonight's all-new CSI: MIAMI (CBS, 10 p.m.). But I have a feeling that the mystery of her bad hair will remained unsolved.

FX has got THE ICE STORM at 8 p.m.

Dwight Yoakam, Adam Goldberg, Seth Green and Jennifer Beals are the guests and Jon Favreau is the host on IFC's DINNER FOR FIVE at 8 p.m.

TUESDAY, November 26

Spike is held captive in Buffy's house while the Scoobies try to figure out what the hell is going on in tonight's all-new BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, 8 p.m.). I can't wait until they figure it out so they can explain it to me.

You know what? I love GILMORE GIRLS (WB, 8 p.m.) and I'm going to start including it in the Remote Patrol, because I freakin' love it. So there. Tonight, Lorelei learns that Rory applied to Yale without telling her.

Clark meets

a Native American girl in a cave and discovers drawings on the walls from the girl's ancestors that tell a tale mirroring Clark's arrival in Smallville during a meteor shower in tonight's all-new SMALLVILLE (WB, 9 p.m.). That's weird. I have drawing like that on my wall too.

It's 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. and bad girl Nina is back in tonight's all-new 24 (Fox, 9 p.m.). If you're not watching this show, then you are truly missing out. But it's not too late to get on board the 24 train. Woo-woo.

WEDNESDAY, November 27

Bernie catches food poisoning on Thanksgiving in tonight's all-new BERNIE MAC (Fox, 8 p.m.). Have you ever had food poisoning? I have and all I have to say is "Sucks to be Bernie."

Hoshi is

convinced her body's molecules are destabilizing after enduring a traumatic trip through the Enterprise transporter to escape a sudden storm on a primitive planet in tonight's all-new ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.). Sounds like Hoshi is a hypochondriac.

Van poses as a recovering alcoholic to get in with a sober but psycho hit woman in tonight's all-new episode of FASTLANE (Fox, 9 p.m.). And let me guess, he falls in love with her.

The WB is unleashing two hours of BIRDS OF PREY tonight, starting at 8 p.m.

A hardware salesman gets a chance to trade his future for a stranger's in tonight's all-new THE TWILIGHT ZONE (UPN, 9 p.m.). Doesn't sound particularly spooky, does it? Well, what if I told you that stranger was Suge Knight. Now that's scary. And it's also a lie.

Don't forget to check out an all-new SOUTH PARK at 10 p.m. on Comedy Central.

THURSDAY, November 28

Happy Thanksgiving folks!

Fox has got PHANTOM MENACE at 7 p.m. It doesn't really have anything to do with Thanksgiving unless you consider that turkey Jar Jar.

Run, don't walk from the new TV series DINOTOPIA (ABC, 8 p.m.). I've seen it and the thought that there is a show out there that is this terrible keeps me up at night.

You want the good news or the bad news? Well, the good news is CBS has got two hours of CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION starting at 8 p.m. The bad news: both episodes are reruns.

CBS is also re-airing the pilot episode of WITHOUT A TRACE at 10 p.m. I guess the folks at CBS think people like to hang out with friends and family on Thanksgiving. And we all know that's just crazy talk.

FRIDAY, November 29

OK, instead of FIREFLY or JOHN DOE, Fox has got THE BRADY BUNCH IN THE WHITE HOUSE at 8 p.m. Here's the story/Of a TV movie/That was preempting my favorite shows...

NBC has got IT'S A VERY MERRY MUPPET CHRISTMAS MOVIE at 8 p.m., featuring appearances by Joan Cusak, David Arquette, the cast of Scrubs, Carson Daly, Mel Brooks, Kelly Ripa, Jon Stewart, Molly Shannon, William H. Macy and Whoopi "Center Square" Goldberg. Hey, all I wanna know is that the cranky old guys from the balcony are going to be there and I'll watch.

At 8 p.m. UPN has got what some people consider the very best of all the STAR TREK movies: STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN.

SATURDAY, November 30

The Cartoon Network has got a HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE marathon, starting at 2:30 p.m.

"He looks like a pink nightmare." Yep, TNT has got A CHRISTMAS STORY at 8 p.m. The holiday season has officially begun.

Hilarious terrorist TV movie alert! If you want to see a couple of TV movies that are soooo bad they're funny then definitely watch THE PRESIDENT'S MAN and THE PRESIDENT'S MAN: A LINE IN THE SAND on USA, starting at 4:30 p.m. Both TV movies star Chuck Norris, and I laughed myself silly watching them.

HBO has got A.I.: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE at 8 p.m. I'm asking for a Gigolo Joe for Christmas.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 1

The Planet Express ship falls in love with Bender in this repeat of FUTURAMA (Fox, 7 p.m.). Hey, what's not to love?

Connie takes up bluegrass music in this repeat of KING OF THE HILL (Fox, 7:30 p.m.). And in a second episode at 8:30 p.m. Hank and Ladybird compete against Bobby, Connie and their dog in a dog dancing contest.

UPN is giving you a second chance to check out Wednesday's ENTERPRISE at 8 p.m. Well, that's downright hospitable of them, ain't it?

The ladies are attacked by fairy tales in this repeat of CHARMED (WB, 8 p.m.).

The Simpson family competes on a reality series similar to PBS' successful FRONTIER HOUSE in tonight's all-new THE SIMPSONS (Fox, 8 p.m.). In case you've never heard of FRONTIER HOUSE, basically the Simpsons have to live like a family in the 1800s would. Undoubtedly, hilarity will ensue.

There's going to be an unhappy birthday boy in tonight's all-new MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (Fox, 9 p.m.).

Woo-hoo! ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE

returns tonight at 9:30 p.m. on Fox.

Furio goes to a casino and I'm sure someone gets whacked or they all talk about someone getting whacked in tonight's all-new THE SOPRANOS (HBO, 9 p.m.).

I'm sure the entire Bristow family will sit down for a touching Thanksgiving dinner in tonight's al-new ALIAS (ABC, 9 p.m.). Hee hee. Just kidding.

The WB is repeating the season opener of ANGEL at 9 p.m.

Don't forget to check out tonight's all-new BOOMTOWN (NBC, 10 p.m.). One of the best shows on network TV.

The Cartoon Network's ADULT SWIM begins at 10 p.m.

Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.