Every now and then your run across a film that just seems to beckon you forth with an irresistible call that screams, “Watch me!” Such is the case with appropriately named Nude Nuns with Big Guns. A “Nunsploitation” film in the tradition of 1970’s grindhouse and drive-in features. The kind of feature they showed in the dead of Winter when hardly anyone went to the drive-in except for those looking for a cheap night out…not that I would know anything about that. This is one of those films that (almost) falls into the category of “so bad it’s good” unlike another recent film Hobo with a Shotgun that was so bad it was very bad.
The witless excuse for a plot is nothing more that a means for a helluva a lot of nudity and blazing guns. Somewhere in the Southwest or Mexico (not quite clear which) the local Catholic Church is running drugs and selling them to an outlaw motorcycle gang called the “Los Muertos”. The priests use the nuns to weigh out and package the narcotics which they do completely naked except for their religious habits. When one of the shipments of drugs comes up short, Sister Sarah (Ortega) is tortured and sold off to a pimp. After being abused repeatedly in a brothel and left near death, she is aided back to health by a medicine man. Sister Sarah receives a commandment from God to punish those who have sinned. Soon she’s tracking down not only the members of the motorcycle gang, but also the priests who are behind the drug trafficking.
Nude Nuns with Big Guns unfortunately doesn’t live up to the bravado of its title. Sure, there’s plenty of nude nuns and strippers but the film comes up short in the ‘big guns” department. The fact is that this should be one of those films that smacks you upside the head with silly, over-the-top violence and gunplay and it doesn’t. The middle portion of the film features a lot of yelling and not much else…the priests yell at the leader motorcycle club (Castro) to find the nun…the club leader yells at his minions to find the nun…there’s a lot of posturing and preening for the camera but not much else. The final 15 minutes goes a long way to make up for what was lacking earlier as Sister Sarah finally whips out the big guns (literally, boys, literally) in a final climax (pun intended) of bullet frenzy carnage. One disappointment is that the female actresses aren’t as attractive as you’d hope for. If there was ever a film where you’d dispense with any need for acting ability as a trade off for sheet hotness, this is it. But most of the women are mildly attractive at best.
Despite several glaring weaknesses Nude Nuns with Big Guns has a certain sacrilegious charm although it lacks the sense of humor you’d expect it to have. It does embrace its Grindhouse roots, even utilizing split screens during the final gun battle, a trick ripped right out of the 1970s. Every actor in the production chews as much scenery as they can. The final product might not be as bombastic as the title but it’s worth a rainy day diversion.
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