"Puttin' on the Ritz," YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN style
© 1974 Twentieth Century Fox

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Oct. 22 - Oct. 28: TV Gears Up for Halloween

Reality bites for THE MOLE II: THE NEXT BETRAYAL. ABC put the low-rated show on the bench until January after only three episodes. Geez, that really sucks for the five or so people who watched it. Now they have to wait months before finding out who the mole is. Damn! How will they sleep at night?

Now for the really bad news: with THE MOLE II on, ummm, vacation, ABC will air AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS in its place. How will I sleep at night?

I can't decide which show is worse. THE MOLE II doesn't constantly show videos of men getting hit in the crotch. But, at least AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS isn't THE MOLE II. You see my dilemma.

Note to ABC: If you are looking to clear out your schedule maybe I could offer you a few tips. I don't want to point fingers but perhaps you should try watching an episode of DHARMA & GREG or ACCORDING TO JIM. Just a suggestion.

So, speaking of suggestions, let me break down the week for you - and don't forget to check your local listings, because even a TV goddess like myself can't predict if or when the network schedules might change.

Monday, October 22

It's the battle of

"Puttin' on the Ritz," YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN style

© 1974 Twentieth Century Fox

In this corner we have brooding, hunky ANGEL (WB, 9 p.m.). Tonight's episode could be called "Meet the Parents." Fred's parents come to town for a visit, but Angel and company are stuck dealing with them when Fred goes into hiding to avoid them.

And in this corner we have brooding, sexy DARK ANGEL (Fox, 9 p.m.). Tonight's episode is a repeat in which Max protects a bunch of transgens from being killed. Is that the correct terminology? A bunch of transgens? Or is it a gaggle of transgens? A school of transgens? A herd of transgens? If anyone knows the correct term, clue me in.

You wanna see something scary? Halloween time is coming, and BLAIR WITCH 2: BOOK OF SHADOWS is on Showtime at 10 p.m. The scary part is someone in Hollywood thought this sequel was a good idea.

Tuesday, October 23

Jonathan, Andrew and

DARK ANGEL's Jessica Alba

© 2001 FOX

Over on ROSWELL (UPN, 9 p.m.), Liz learns a deep dark secret about her father, while Jesse and Isabel make a decision about their relationship.

A teenager gets bitten by a bug and then gets superpowers on SMALLVILLE (WB, 9 p.m.). Hey, I thought this show was supposed to be about Superman, not Spiderman.

We get yet another repeat of DARK ANGEL tonight at 9 p.m. on Fox. This one has Alec helping Max in her quest to stop Joshua, but, of course, he's not telling her the real reason why.

If you would rather watch a movie than all these shows then check out STARZ, which is airing ALIEN 3 at 8 p.m. followed by THE CELL at 10 p.m. Vincent D'Onofrio is so creepy in THE CELL yet so hunky in LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT. It brings up all these strange issues for me, but maybe now is not the time to get into them.

Wednesday, October 24

Hey, speaking of hunky guys, Archer (Scott Bakula) goes looking for a long lost space colony and then has a run in with some human-hating cave dwellers on ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.).

Kate and Nick go hunting for, and I'm not making this up, the Boogeyman on SPECIAL UNIT 2 (UPN, 9 p.m.) Are they running out of ideas or what?

And over at WOLF LAKE (CBS, 10 p.m.), Matt (Tim Matheson) gets shot, but CBS executives still won't let him out of his contract that requires him to appear in more episodes.

Thursday, October 25

In tonight's CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, 9 p.m.), Grissom investigates a crime scene. Oh, you want more info than that? OK. He finds an apartment with blood-splattered walls, but no body. Someone is not going to get their deposit back on that place.

You've got to feel sorry for THE AGENCY (CBS, 10 p.m.). With episodes dealing with terrorism and anthrax being postponed, the new show has hardly seen any primetime action. Considering that the show was filmed before any of this terrorist stuff went down, it's basically being punished for having some insight into things that could actually happen. So, after CBS goes through tonight's episode with a fine-tooth comb and confirms that it doesn't use the words "terrorism," "anthrax," or "Osama Bin Laden rules," the episode should air as scheduled.

If you find THE AGENCY to be too scary for you, you could always check out CHILD'S PLAY on TBS at 7:45 p.m. There's nothing scary about Chucky.

Friday, October 26

Hey, what do you know? DARK ANGEL (Fox, 8 p.m.) is on again. That's three times this week, making it the WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE of one-hour dramas. Well, at least this episode is a new one. Renfro's poison has made Max dangerous to Logan. I think the immortal words of Bell Biv Devoe are appropriate here: "That girl is poison."

If DARK ANGEL isn't your thing, then watch YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN at 7 p.m. on AMC, followed by 1931's FRANKENSTEIN at 9 p.m. You'll laugh. You'll cry. Then you'll laugh at yourself for crying. It's all very therapeutic and healthy. Trust me.

Or jump back into the '80s - peg your pants, put on your Wham record and watch TEEN WOLF on TBS at 7:15 p.m.

Saturday, October 27

Buffy has to break her

Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) contemplates Kryptonite in the "Hothead" episode of SMALLVILLE.

© 2001 The WB

That's the power of love. I dare you to watch BACK TO THE FUTURE at 8 p.m. on TBS and not get that Huey Lewis song stuck in your head.

Bob alert! TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME is on Bravo at 7:30 p.m. Find out why Agent Cooper had to go to Twin Peaks in the first place.

One time I made this fake vomit at home and went to the movie theater and poured it over the balcony and made this vomiting noise and then everyone in the theater starting throwing up on each other. OK, I didn't really do that, but Chunk did. Check out THE GOONIES on TNT at 8:45 p.m.

Sunday, October 28

Syndey tries to pull a fast one on SD-6 with the help of her new FBI buddies on ALIAS (ABC, 9 p.m.), but when it doesn't go exactly as planned, her daddy has to step in and save the day.

I don't care what anyone says. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, airing tonight on FX at 8 p.m., scared the crap out of me. Honestly, I hadn't been that scared since the time I heard a rumor that THE SIMPSONS were going to get cancelled.

See how a real Mummy movie is supposed to be made and watch 1932's THE MUMMY on AMC at 8:30 p.m.

Check out James Woods the Vampire Slayer in JOHN CARPENTER'S VAMPIRES on USA at 8 p.m.

Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.