Oct. 29 Nov. 4: Halloween 2001 and Beyond

By: Sonia Mansfield
Date: Monday, October 29, 2001

It's Halloween week, and a variety of creepy and crawly programming can be found on the boob tube for the next several days. With the ghoulish holiday landing smack dab in the middle of the workweek this year, there'll be less inclination to go out to celebrate as more folks decide to just stay in and cozy up with a good horror movie. Of all the Halloween programming airing this week, the best is AMC's multi-day MONSTERFEST. For a complete guide to that event, follow the link at the bottom of this page. And now back to our regularly scheduled rant:

I've got a question: Who came up with this crap?

There are some bad, bad shows on TV and I can't even begin to comprehend how they got on the air in the first place. I supposed there are two groups to blame for some of the craptastic shows that are on network television: network executives and the people who watch the awful shows.

Let's focus on the network executives, because it's much more fun to make fun of them than ourselves.

Some network drone sat down in a conference room filled with other network drones and said, "You know what? We should make a sitcom with Emeril." And they all nodded their heads in agreement.

"You know who's funny? Bob Saget." Yep.

"Let's make a sitcom with Reba McEntire." Well, why not? They made TV movies with Kenny Rogers.

"It's a town full of people who can shapeshift into wolves. It's Twin Peaks meets The Howling." Genius.

I've got a show I'd like to pitch to the networks. It's about these brain-dead network executives who obviously got their jobs through some sort of special education work release program for retards, and they continually underestimate the intelligence of the public and give the green light to these really lame ideas for shows. That show would be pure gold, but I'm sure none of the networks would touch it. Well, maybe UPN.

Like I said, the network executives aren't the only ones to blame for all the crappy shows, so do your duty and watch responsibly. Yeah right. So anyway, let me breakdown the week for you. And please check your local listings, because all schedule information is subject to change at the whim of a network exec.

Monday, October 29

Remember that guy that ANGEL (WB, 9 p.m.) freed

from that prison in Hell in order to save Cordelia? Well, the guy is on the loose and apparently he's a bit of a ladies man, meaning he likes to beat them up.

Jeri Ryan Alert! The hot babe of STAR TREK: VOYAGER makes her first appearance as a new regular cast member of BOSTON PUBLIC (Fox, 9 p.m.).

Check out Vin Diesel before THE FAST AND FURIOUS made him famous in PITCH BLACK (Showtime, 8 p.m.). Yeah, I know. He's not much different.

Wanna give yourself the creeps? Watch the 1941 version of DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE (Turner Classic Movies, 7:30 p.m.).

Tuesday, October 30

Dawn finally starts acting

like a real teenager on tonight's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, 8 p.m.). She sneaks out of the house so she can have some Halloween fun with a boy, while the rest of the Scoobies celebrate Xander and Anya's engagement. Sorry, no Legion of Nerds tonight. Damn!

Crossover Alert! Max heads out to Hollywood to audition for a role as an alien in ENTERPRISE in tonight's ROSWELL (UPN, 9 p.m.).

Clark Kent tries to deal with his emerging X-ray vision powers on SMALLVILLE (WB, 9 p.m.). Hey, what's to deal with? Isn't that what every teenage boy dreams of? There is just no pleasing this man of steel.

I got a rock: IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN CHARLIE BROWN on ABC at 8 p.m.

Wednesday, October 31

The crew of the ENTERPRISE (UPN, 8 p.m.) decide to hang out at a Vulcan spiritual sanctuary over T'Pol's objections. What a surprise! T'Pol objects to something. Of course, they're going to wish they had listened to her when they discover that the sanctuary has been taken over by another race of aliens who aren't quiet as friendly.

Nick bumps into the, ummm, thing that killed his former partner on tonight's SPECIAL UNIT 2 (UPN, 9 p.m.).

ABC is showing a special encore performance of the pilot episode of ALIAS at 9:30 p.m. So all you guys that missed the first time got lucky. And all you guys that forgot to tape it the first time so you could watch it over and over in slow motion got lucky too.

Tonight's WOLF LAKE (CBS, 10 p.m.) was postponed from last week. Therefore, I will make the same joke. Matt (Tim Matheson) is shot, but CBS executive stills won't let him out of his contract and force him to film more episodes.

Remind yourself why Dennis Miller doesn't have a movie career: Check out BORDELLO OF BLOOD on Comedy Central at 8 p.m. The movie also answers the question: Whatever happened to Corey Feldman?

Thursday, November 1

Grissom and his team investigate some

sort of crime scene on tonight's CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION on CBS at 9 p.m. Want me to get more specific? Grissom catches a murder suspect burying his victims, while the others try to figure out what happened to a woman found dead in a hotel spa. Well, there goes that hotel's AAA approval.

The CIA learns of a possible terrorist attack in Europe, they just don't know exactly where in Europe in THE AGENCY (CBS, 10 p.m.). Come on, Europe can't be that big? Just go knock on some doors.

Paige accidentally conjured up a handsome prince who just so happens to be under the enchanted spell of an evil woman who looks just like Paige on CHARMED (WB, 9 p.m.). Damn! Why doesn't that ever happen to me?

I know it's not Halloween anymore, but if you want to see something really scary watch LOST IN SPACE on Fox at 8 p.m. The fact that they might consider making a sequel keeps me up at night.

Friday, November 2

It's Halloween on DARK ANGEL (Fox, 8 p.m.) and Max dresses up as a naughty catholic schoolgirl and goes trick or treating. HA! You wish. She goes hunting for a particularly nasty Manticore nomlie.

I hate when I go hiking and I get lost and I lose the map and some stupid witch tries to kill me and stuff. That's why I can totally relate to THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (FX, 8 p.m.).

Saturday, November 3

Xander starts getting all aggressive, hangs around with the wrong crowd, and makes his move on Buffy in BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (syndicated, check local listings). Puberty? Yeah, that was my guess too. But, as it turns out, he's possessed by some evil hyenas.

FX has TREMORS 2: AFTERSHOCKS at 7 p.m., followed by BRIDE OF CHUCKY at 9 p.m. I can't decide which is worse - you guys watch and tell me.

Oh wait, Sci-Fi has ALLIGATOR II: MUTATIONS. I'm sure that's worse.

Sunday, November 4

Check out one of the best movies of 1999 tonight on ABC at 7 p.m. No, it's not THREE KINGS. No, not FIGHT CLUB. No, not BEING JOHN MALKOVICH. Damn, you guys suck at guessing. It's TOY STORY 2.

Prepare yourself for THE SIMPSONS' return later this month with this rerun in which Marge cuts off Homer's thumb and hilarity ensures on Fox at 8 p.m.

Sydney goes undercover as a patient in a mental institution in tonight's ALIAS (ABC, 9 p.m.). And, on top of that, she learned some info that suggests her father may have caused her mother's death 20 years ago. Say it with me folks: Duh!

Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.