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The Perils of Anime Crossovers
By His Lordship Chaos
[We begin with a focus upon our ranter, a debonair Chaos with his hair slicked back, wearing a dignified bathrobe, and leisurely reclining in a highback chair.]
His lordship Chaos: "...so like I was saying, I don't see what all the fuss is. These Mokona slippers I'm wearing for this column look very dapper indeed. Aren't the way the ears flop over just so kawaii?"
Cameraman: [ahem!] "Um, sir, you're on."
His lordship Chaos: o.O "I'm what? KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
[This rant is experience technical difficulties. Please stand by....]
His lordship Chaos: *ahem!* "Ah, kon'nichi wa to you all. I am your illustrious ranter, His lordship Chaos. Today I get to be your host for our first installment of...of...somebody please cue the title."
His lordship Chaos: "Thank you! Is it too much to ask that you guys actually work around here?"
Cameraman: "Sir, you're ranting again."
His lordship Chaos: "Anyhoo, many many times in the wide world o' Anime, fans are so inspired by a series that they write an original story based on the show. This is known as fan fiction. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad--"
Mokona slippers: ^^ "PU!!"
[His lordship Chaos abruptly kicks his slippers against the base of the highback chair.]
His lordship Chaos: [sincere smile!] "--and other ones we don't ever want to talk about outside of our therapist's office. While fanfics are not illegal to write or post on the Internet, there's nothing to say that such fics are legal either. As a result, a lot of fan fiction is out there...somewhere."
[His lordship Chaos gets out from the chair & does the obligatory, dignified stroll around the set bit.]
His lordship Chaos: "Now there are all sorts of fanfics out there, each with it's own genre. You get action, drama and character studies, or comedies. And then the lemonfics which are full of naughty tentacles and other such wonderful family values. But we're not going to get into that right now!"
Cameraman: "Won't the reader levels go down as a result?"
His lordship Chaos: "I don't pay you to criticize me, Techie-boy! *Ahem* Usually in finding a decent fanfic, it's a hit or miss scenario. Generally you find that searching by authors is more productive than a fic by fic search. It's hard work, but many times it's quite rewarding to read more about a series that's ended...or been put on hiatus...or STILL has yet to be released on DVD...."
Cameraman: "Pssst! What about the fic we're presenting today?"
His lordship Chaos: [sitting back down in his chair] "Quite right. Yes, we are here to present to you a small portion of fan fiction so inspiring, so poignant, so magnificent, that it can only mean one thing!"
Cameraman: "You're only deluding yourself?"
His lordship Chaos: --;; "Hush! And so, without further ado, I proudly present to you...Bishoujo Senshi Slayer Moon!"
[Cue the crossover fic!]
Once more, Tokyo's Jyuban park was about to witness another epic battle between the forces of good and evil. He stood towering over the trembling victim; she seemed fairly certain of the fate that awaited her.
"Do not be afraid," he said with a slight smile, his two eyes sealed shut in blindness. "With your pure heart, I shall be able to at last complete my deal with the demon lord Shabranigdo!"
With that, the red priest Rezo laughed, slamming the base of his shakujyo against the ground. The metal rings attached to the head of his staff gave a metallic echo, and the girl screamed as her pure heart was extracted. And it was a beautiful gem, a crystal with a lot of sharp points going in all directions.
Rezo could hardly contain his near-maniacal laughter. Ever since his birth he had been gifted with a magic that was surpassed by no one else, but cursed with being unable to even cure his own blindness. Not any longer.
"Yes! YES!!" he exclaimed, feeling the warmth of the pure heart's light against his face.
"Hold it right there!" a loud female voice cut in, snapping Rezo from his reverie.
"Na ni?" he hissed, turning around.
Suddenly a lone young lady with long red hair, dressed in a sailor battle fuku, appeared in the park. Rezo scowled, already knowing who had shown up. "So," he said darkly. "You managed to find your way here after all, ne, Sailor Lina?"
Yes, there could be no mistaking Lina Inverse inside that sailor blouse and pleated skirt. That short figure. That flat chest. That short temper. That really irate eyebrow twitch she was giving the narrator for pointing out all her flaws. Sailor Lina: "Was I asking for a commentary? DIL BRAND!!!"
Sailor Lina gave a dramatic pose, pointing directly at Rezo. "I will not allow you to rip out the pure heart of this girl, who has yet to pay us for our services! Agents of money and all-you-can-eat buffets--!"
Rezo raised an eyebrow. "What happened to being agents of love and justice?"
"Hey!" Sailor Lina snapped. "Who's reading the cue cards here? You or me?! I am Bishoujo Senshi Slayer Moon! And in the name of the moon, I'll Dragu Slave your sorry--!"
"WOH HO HO OHO HOH HO HOH HO!!!"
Sailor Lina facevaulted as a round of high-pitched cackling echoed across the park, this laughter causing all the forest animals to flee in terror. Picking herself up off the ground, Lina turned and glared at her fellow Slayer Senshi.
Sailor Lina: "Naga! What the hell are you doing ruining my speech like that?!"
Sailor Naga: [or is it Sailor Ganaix Bounce?] "Ara, Lina, you honestly don't think you'd be able to get away with drawing all the attention away from me, Naga the white serpent! Oh, how foolish of you! WOH HOH HO HO HOH H--!!"
Sailor Lina: --;; "Fireball."
Sailor Naga: o.O
Meanwhile, it was actually proving quite useful for Rezo that he happened to be blind. For he was naturally unable to see the ample- bosomed Naga all dressed in a sailor bikini. There really wasn't much of a uniform to show off in actual fact. And there was much rejoicing.
Male readers: ^^ "Yea."
"You're already too late," Rezo stated, gesturing with his shakujyo towards the fallen maiden. "I have extracted her pure heart, and with it I can call lord Shabranigdo!"
"Uruseii!" Sailor Lina retorted. "That part of the plot was already given away a page and a half ago! You're going to bore the readers if you keep being repetitive like that!"
"Ara, then perhaps you would like me to show you my newest Lemures O' the day," Rezo chuckled. "Presenting Noonsa! Noonsa-chan!"
He struck the base of the shakujyo against the ground, and the second the metal rings chimed, a large gray blur leaped out from the surrounding vegetation.
Sailor Lina recoiled in stunned disbelief as the Noonsa youma, an enormous fish with spindly human arms and legs, stood between her and Rezo. "You call this a youma?!" she exclaimed.
"WOH HO HOH HO HO!!!" Sailor Naga laughed. "Feeling a little inadequate right now, Lina?"
Line turned, standing on her tiptoes and glaring right into Naga's face. "And just what does my breast size have to do with this, Naga?!"
But before there could be a further response, the Noonsa youma charged. His arms opened wide for a loving embrace as he puckered up his lips. "Ooooh! Give us a kiss!" Noonsa exclaimed joyously, bounding after the two Slayer Senshi.
Sailors Lina & Naga: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Rezo shook his head as the two young ladies frantically ran around the park, desperate to evade the Noonsa youma. "A valiant effort, but stupid none the less. Now her pure heart is mine, and nothing can stop me."
"Shimatta!" Sailor Lina hissed. "Now I've got to deal with a stolen pure heart, a lovesick fish *and* an annoying, big-chested sidekick! And just where the hell is Gourry?!"
Gourry, all dressed up in an oversized moo-cow suit, abruptly paused in his grazing upon the grass. "Hmmm," he remarked between mouthfuls of greenage. "I can't help but think I need to be somewhere right now."
He shrugged and went back to his grazing. "Oh well. If I can't remember it, it must not have been important."
"Lina, come and give us a kiss!" the Noonsa youma crooned, still chasing after Sailor Lina.
"How many Elemekia Lances do I have to throw at you before you take a hint?!" she shouted back.
Suddenly a red lightening bolt shot right across Noonsa's face, nearly taking out the fish youma. Both Sailor Lina and Noonsa froze, looking up to the treetops.
And there the demon, Xellos, all clad in a smashingly debonair tuxedo and cape, grinned at everyone. "Ohayo!" Tuxedo Xel said, waving to Lina. "Yare yare, it looks like you really can't do anything without me after all, Lina."
Sailor Lina's eyebrow twitched. "What?"
"HEY!" Zelgadis snarled, hopping onto the scene--also dressed in a tuxedo, but wrapped up in a cocoon of duct tape. "It was supposed to be Tuxedo Zel, not Tuxedo Xel!! That's my role you're stealing!"
Xellos gave Zelgadis an innocent smile. "Ara ara, but Tokyo is a very unsafe place at night, what with all those killer duct tape rolls lurking around."
Sailor Lina smacked her forehead. "No wonder Tuxedo Kamen rarely shows up in the Anime." She directed her attention towards Rezo. "Ne, Rezo, the way I see it, you've got five options going here. You can let me kill you, or (heaven forbid) you can let Naga kill you, or you can let Zelgadis kill you, or you can let Xellos kill you, or you can let all of us kill you."
Rezo visibly frowned. "I would hardly call those options."
Sailor Lina sighed. "Yeah, I guess so...Well then, you could just bribe me, and we'll forget about your whole 'take over the world' thing!"
[Cue the facevaults!]
A dark smile tugged at the edges of the blind priest's lips. "Ara, you're that ready to kill me even when I haven't even told you my plans yet? For shame, Sailor Lina. You don't even know why I want to summon Shabranigdo."
"Hai hai," Sailor Lina agreed. "So why do you want to resurrect a demon lord? You gonna take over the world?"
Xellos: ^^ "Sore wa...himitsu desu!"
[Lina facevaults yet again!]
Sailor Lina: [grrr!] "Whaddaya mean it's a secret?! I wasn't even asking you!"
"WOH HO HOH HOH HOH HO OHO HOH!!!!" Sailor Naga cackled, letting her generous cleavage and tight fuku make a Richter 10 on the Gainax bounce-o-meter. "Ignoring me...how dangerous."
Sailor Lina facevaulted. "Naga! This is not the time be worrying about your close-ups!"
"But Lina," Sailor Naga countered, fluffing out her long dark hair. "We both know I could finish this fish youma off easily with my jellyfish attack."
"DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT A BUNCH OF RABID SEA CUCUMBERS ALL OVER THIS PARK?!?!" Sailor Lina shot back.
"They do taste good pickled," Zelgadis remarked.
That caused Sailor Lina to pause for a moment. "Ooh! You're right!"
Suddenly, before any of them could trade recipes, the Noonsa youma charged, racing after Sailor Naga in the hopes of getting a kiss from her. Unfortunately for the Noonsa youma, Naga's enormous bosoms got in the way, absorbing the full impact of the oversized fish and then bouncing it back across the park.
"M-Masaka...." Sailor Lina gawked, watching Noonsa crash into a cluster of trees.
"There has to be some trick to defeating him," Tuxedo Zel said, finally getting loose from all the duct tape. "But what could it be?"
Tuxedo Xellos grinned. "Oh, that one's easy! I've got a secret weapon that will work wonders in this kind of situation!"
[Xellos unveils his secret weapon!]
"Waaaaaahh!" Amelia cried, squirming around from inside the barrel of a cannon. "This wasn't in my contract!"
Xellos shrugged as he lit the fuse. "Hey, if it worked for you in the 'Try' season, it should work here."
Amelia's eyes bugged out wildly. "'SHOULD'?!"
"Now now," Xellos said, patting her nicely on the head. "Just remember to tuck and roll when you go through Noonsa."
However Amelia didn't have any more chance to scream, for right then the cannon blew her straight across the park. And not only did she wind up clocking the Noonsa youma right in the face, she also didn't stop shooting through the air until she had broken the laws of time and space, and wound up crashing right into Galaxia's throne.
Amelia: @.@ "Itaaaaaaaiiiiii...."
Galaxia: [looking around] "Security!!"
"So much for her Pacifist Strike," Tuxedo Zel sighed, shaking his head.
Sailor Naga took this moment to once again cackle victoriously. And at the same time, she also managed to have everyone else go into hideous twitching spasms over her maniacal laughter.
"Wh-What kind of demon is she?!" Tuxedo Xellos stammered, trying to shield his ears from the terrifying sounds.
Suddenly out from the smoldering crater of debris appeared the Noonsa youma!
"Na ni?" Zel exclaimed, whirling backwards. "Noonsa's still alive!"
"Daijobu," Sailor Lina said, a dark smile appearing on her face. "I get to be the one who finishes him off this time. And I'll do it using only this!"
Everyone except for Tuxedo Xel facevaulted as she pulled out from behind her fuku a fork and a bottle of Tartar sauce. Upon seeing the meal plans Sailor Lina had for him, the Noonsa youma naturally freaked and ran off screaming.
"My snack won't get away from me that easily!" Lina exclaimed, summoning an attack. "Fireball!!"
An enormous ball of fire promptly mowed down and neatly barbecued Noonsa. The charbroiled fish collapsed on the ground, defeated and ready to eat.
Tuxedo Zel could only sweatdrop as Sailor Lina did a happy li'l SD Slayer Senshi dance over a hard-fought meal. "Ano...shouldn't we be worrying about Rezo right now?" he asked.
Lina waved it aside. "Aw, that can wait until the next episode. Right now, ITADAKIMASU!!"
Suddenly Gourry Moo-cow leaped out of nowhere, and grabbed the cooked Noonsa. The enormous fish hanging out of his mouth, the obligatory series mascot made a fast break out of the park.
"Hey!" Sailor Lina exclaimed angrily. "That was my fish, Gourry! I'm the one who gets to eat it! Gourry!! MEGA BRAND!!!"
[End of the fic!]
His lordship Chaos: o.O [sweatdrop!] "What...the...?!"
Cameraman: "Was this one of those hit or miss occasions, Sir?"
His lordship Chaos: "Hush, Techie-boy! Evidently we got some wires crossed in our transmission, and were unable to bring you the real Masterfic Theatre presentation. Our sincerest apologies to all of you readers who had the decency and lunacy to continue tuning into this rant until now. But be sure to check us out next time when we present to you...Mermaid's Forrest Gump!"
His lordship Chaos: o.O;; "Mermaid's what?! Okay, who's the idiot who wrote that?!"
Cameraman: "Um, you did, Sir. You also wrote Bishoujo Senshi Slayer Moon too."
His lordship Chaos: [shrinking down in his chair] "Who's the narrator here, chowderhead? You or me?!"
Cameraman: "Chowderhead?! Look who's in the bathrobe!"
His lordship Chaos: "I'll have you know this is quite the styling bathrobe, buddy!"
Sailor Naga: [leaping onto the scene!] "WOH HOH HOH HO HO OHO HO!! Now you two are ignoring me. How dangerous of you."
His lordship Chaos: o.O;; "Good lord, she's escaped from her fanfic! Security!"
Sailor Naga: "WOH HOH HOH HO HO OHO HO HO HO HOH HO!!"
His lordship Chaos: [frantic super-deformed mode] "KYAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Cameraman: "Run away! Run away!"
[Transmission is abruptly terminated as the computer screen shatters from Sailor Naga's laughter. We would apologize for any inconvenience...if we actually felt sorry. ^^]