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Return of the TV

Greetings Cinescapers! Looks like the holidays are descending on us like meteors upon earth in a 50s Sci-Fi flick. Of course we all know what this means! Yes it's time for LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING! Forget all that religious stuff, we don't need it we've got JOAN OF ARCADIA, some episodes of THE SIMPSONS and in its own way CHARMED for that.

Yes now is the season to dress yourself up in Elf gear and go straight to your local multiplex. There you can take in the film that many are calling "The greatest movie I've yet to see in all my days."

But enough of my catering to the cinema, this is a television column and if there's one thing regular readers know, it's that I am ignorant of this.

Hey remember last week, I don't (drinking), but my ex-wife does (alimony ... or lack of receipt thereof) and so do the save TARZAN fans. So without further ado here are the final results of the poll:

Out of 340 votes:

Pro TARZAN: 275

Con TARZAN: 9

Cheating (you know, voting twice): 56

Unfortunately it doesn't look like this is going to do much for TARZAN and the word is that its respirator is being unplugged to make way for a really nice toaster.

Another television tragedy occurred this week when Ashton Kutcher announced that PUNK'D was soon to end. This announcement confirmed the worst, that Mr. Kutcher is still employed by the entertainment industry.

Question: Does a butterfly flapping its wings in Texas effect the box office potential of THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT and if so should that butterfly be squashed? Let me know at TVWasteland@cinescape.com.

ROBOCOP 3 (7:05 pm, Showtime 2) If you missed

Lee Majors in CYBORG, the pilot for THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN

© Universal

THE FAIRLY ODDPARENTS (8 pm, Nik) Timmy wishes everybody would shut up, but, alas, can't make another wish after that. (repeat)

EVERWOOD (9 pm, WB) When offered a new treatment to save his eyesight, a minister says, "Nope, no sir, that is not, I tell you, that is not what a wanna-be martyr would do." (Repeat, but the minister will not be seeing it again.)

CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) Hardcore D&D leads to death.

COME LIVE WITH ME (8 pm, TCM) A little know Jimmy Stewart romance picture about a woman who marries a man for convenience and then starts dating his boss. Why it's NED AND STACEY 1941 style!

THE SIMPLE LIFE (8:30 pm, FOX) Those lovely ladies of millions cause a sensation at the kissing booth. Rigged reality entertainment at its finest.

24 (9 pm, FOX) 8 pm 9 pm. The President discovers vital information concerning national security has been withheld from him.

HARD TO KILL (10:10 pm, TBS) A comatose cop comes back from the dead to extract revenge on those who wronged him. A Steven Seagal "classic" from the days his career seemed limitless. Nowadays he spit cleans car windows at L.A. intersections.

ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) The crew

Clark gets branded in "Exile", the third season premiere of SMALLVILLE.

© The WB Television Network

SMALLVILLE (8 pm, WB) Red Kryptonite turns Clark into evil (a.k.a. sexy) Clark again. This time he teams up with a crime lord played by the once promising actor Rutger "BLADE RUNNER" Hauer. (Repeat)

JAKE 2.0 (9 pm, UPN) Its the JAKE 2.0 meets THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN episode when Jake teams up with Lee Majors. This episode promises lots of slow motion shots of high speed running.

ANGEL (9 pm, WB) Some evil gourmets want to eat a werewolf. Of course with the show being ANGEL this is seen as a bad thing. (Repeat)

TRU CALLING (8 pm, WE) Tru wakes up to find her ex-boyfriend dead beside her. She lingers beside his corpse for hours savoring the moment.

DR. SEUSS' HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS (8 pm, WB) Along with the cartoon network and a few other cable stations this seasonal special promises to be on virtually everyday till Dec 25. Should have a name change to DR. SEUSS' HOW THE GRINCH SATURATED CHRISTMAS, except that sounds a little too urinary.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) When a body is found beaten to death with a hammer at a construction site one of the team says "A hammer ... at a construction site ... preposterous!"

WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A well-liked individual may be leading a sinister double life - as well-liked people are wont to do.

JOAN OF ARCADIA (8 pm, CBS) God tells Joan not to be an underachiever. Later he tells her shoes are untied and her shirt is un-tucked in the back. (Repeat)

REBA (8 pm, WB) Cheyenne desperate for daddy's love attempts to become a dentist. On her first day at dental school she mangles a patient's mouth beyond repair. The next day she takes up the drink, but not before Reba unleashes her scabrous wit upon her. (Repeat)

TV'S NAUGHTIEST BLUNDERS FROM AROUND THE WORLD 3 (8 pm, Fox) You'd never expect something this lurid from Fox.

TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCI-FI) Burt is subcontracted by the government to help rid a town of shriekers. (Repeat)

STARGATE SG-1 (8 pm, SCI-FI) Some super duper Goa'ulds put the team in a pickle. (Repeat)

ROBBIE THE REINDEER IN HOOVES OF FIRE/ROBBIE THE REINDEER IN LEGEND OF THE LOST TRIBE (8 pm, CBS) Wacky satire of Rudolph mythos features Ben Stiller, Hugh Grant, Britney Spears and James Belushi doing what they do best ... drama.

A MERRY MICKEY CELEBRATION (8 pm, ABC) America's favorite disease riddled rodent gets yet another special.

TEEN TITANS (9 pm, TOON) A psychedelic bad guy torments the team with old Byrds records. (Repeat)

TITANIC (7 pm, NBC)

Detroit's supercop of the future, Robocop.

© Columbia TriStar

THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, Fox) Homer commits a felony to save his mom. (Repeat)

CHARMED (8 pm, WB) While Paige is working as a dogwalker one of the dogs turns into a man. Paige immediately has this man do her job for her. (Repeat)

ALIAS (9 pm, ABC) A terrorist organization wants to trade two of our spies for one of theirs. Sounds fair. (Repeat)

So now we must part again. Until next time ponder these words from reader Van, who found the WB's TARZAN'S direction lacking. (TARZAN fan or not I think you'll agree that Van is quite the wit.)

"So, what's next for the WB?  How 'bout... MOBY DICK!  A male model named Callme Ishmael wakes one morning to find himself possessed by the spirit of the Great White Whale.  He finds he can morph into a pasty white version of The Incredible Hulk, and can spout high velocity water from his blow hole.  He goes to a female psychiatrist/marine veterinarian, a beautiful blonde named Capatina Ahab, and together they decide to fight crime on the Las Vegas strip.  Oh... and they're in High School."

Until next week, buy the new Ween limited edition live album at www.ween.com and write me everyday at TVWasteland@cinescape.com

TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.