The fifth season cast of ANGEL.
© The WB Television Network
Saving ANGEL
By: Andrew HershbergerDate: Monday, March 15, 2004
Based on Actual Television Shows
Greetings Cinescapers! Last week I asked you if you wanted ANGEL saved and by golly it looks like you do! Reader response was four to one in favor of the show, that means if 10 million of you hate ANGEL and want to see it staked, 40 million people want to punch your 10 million selves in the face! Think about it, if 5 billion of you wish for ANGEL to be soaked in holy water, 20 billion of you wish ANGEL to find his soul and remain on TV for life.
Actually what the above really means is that five people responded and only one didn't want the show to continue. But WB doesn't need to know that. Take the above and abbreviate it so that it sounds like a phenomenal response and send it to those zany WB executives, like so:
Dear cretinous executive,
Please take a break from eating the hearts of small children to listen to the truth! ANGEL must not be cancelled! Why, say you foul demon from Hades, because according to Cinescape's "TV Wasteland" (which I can assure you is read by trillions) "20 billion ... wish for ANGEL ... to remain on TV for life." 20 billion viewers means at least 47 billion DVD sales, which translates into enormous wealth. You might have enough to buy absolution from a corrupt priest, you lizard you.
Signed,
[your name]
Biggest ANGEL fan ever.
You can feel free to use the above as a template for your campaign, but let me assure you, I'm not the one who will be punching you in the stomach if you do.
Well until next week, keep watching the set and write me at TVWasteland@cinescape.com.
MONDAY, MARCH 15
THE FAIRLY ODD PARENTS (8 pm, Nik) Timmy wishes to become part of the Internet, gets crushed Trip gets horribly injured in the ENTERPRISE episode "Similitude". © UPN
EVERWOOD (8 pm, HBO) Madison tells Ephram her roommate will be out of town. Ephram thinks this means he'll be getting "lucky" and buys a bottle of discounted cologne.
BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (9 pm, IFC) Wow, the Independent Film Channel can't get enough of this Russ Meyer classic. What's next BENEATH THE VALLEY OF THE ULTRA-VIXENS?
CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) When a body disappears on the way to the laboratory everybody blames the necrophiliac. (Repeat)
TUESDAY, MARCH 16
AMARCORD (6:45 pm, IFC) Federico Fellini's Oscar winning episodic tale of life in an Italian Village during the 30s. Since it won an Oscar you'll be considered part of the great unwashed if you don't see it.
WATERWORLD (7 pm, SCIFI) The extended version of a film that The fifth season cast of ANGEL. © The WB Television Network
DIAL M FOR MURDER (8 pm, TCM) Hitchcock is the only man who knew how to use Robert Cummings to great effect. Here the actor's lame duck personality enhances the charm of Ray Milland's deliciously malicious performance. Best seen in 3-D, but since that isn't going to happen, why not watch it here.
NYPD BLUE (10 pm, ABC) A parrot is brought to the precinct. Dead parrot routines abound as it turns out half the staff are Monty Python fanatics.
THE SHIELD (10 pm, FX) The team tries to fix one Vic's mistakes while Vic eagerly sets about to make new ones.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17
CHAPLIN TODAY: THE GOLD RUSH/THE GOLD RUSH/UNKNOWN CHAPLIN/PAY DAY/CHAPLIN TODAY: A WOMAN OF PARIS/A WOMAN OF PARIS/CHAPLIN AT ESSANAY STUDIOS I/CHAPLIN AT ESSANAY STUDIOS II (8 pm, TCM) Wednesday nights with Chaplin: the leading Ephram (Gregory Smith) and Madison (Sarah Lancaster) go PG-13 on the couch. © The WB Television Network
ENTERPRISE (9 pm, UPN) Trip gets cloned. Wow. (Repeat)
SMALLVILLE (8 pm, WB) 1) Clark's dream girl turns out to be a girl in a coma, just like the Smiths' song. 2) We pick the show, but it's the programmer who gets paid. (Repeats)
STEPHEN KING'S KINGDOM HOSPITAL (10 pm, ABC) Rickman's roommate attracts a new evil to the hospital, Patch Adams. (BTW if you live in New York, do check out the screening of this show's source, Lars Von Trier's THE KINGDOM at the American Museum of the Moving Image on March 20th and March 21st. You will be the coolest person ever if you do.)
THURSDAY, MARCH 18
TRU CALLING (8 pm, FOX) Tru enters a beauty pageant ostensibly to save a contestant, but really to win.
NATIONAL VELVET/THE STORY OF SEABISCUIT/THE BLACK STALLION (8 pm, TCM) A triple bill of horseracing films. Good betting is on the first and third runners. The second should be shot.
SABRINA (9 pm, USA) The tepid remake of the Billy Wilder classic, now TRIPPING THE RIFT's Chode and Gus. © The Sci Fi Channel
TRIPPING THE RIFT (10:30 pm, SCIFI) Six is entered in a beauty pageant, things go hysterically awry.
FRIDAY, MARCH 19
WHAT WOMEN WANT (8 pm, TNT) Apparently women want to see this twice back-to-back, cause that's how TNT is showing it.
REBA (8 pm, WB) Reba's allows Barbara Jean to fix her up on a blind date. Wacky humiliation Anubis (David Palffy) makes an ominous appearance in the seventh season finale of STARGATE SG-1. © The Sci Fi Channel
STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCI-FI) 1) Season finale. O'Neill starts to process the ancient knowledge downloaded in his brain, discovers the answer to all is 42. 2) O'Neill regresses to his teenage self, nobody notices. 3) Third verse same as the first. (Second episode a repeat. Third episode a repeat of the first.)
PROPHECY (8 pm, AMC) Mutant bear tries to kill Talia Shire and fails. An American movie classic.
SATURDAY, MARCH 20
SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT II (6 pm, AMC) Another American movie classic.
JAWS (8 pm, BRAVO) Killer shark attacks upscale community. Good for him.
TEEN TITANS (9 pm, TOON) Starfire's sister, Blackfire, shows up. Next week Starfire's cousin Scrappyfire drops in. (Repeat)
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (11:30, NBC) Treat yourself to spastic humor this week with Jennifer Aniston and musical guest the Black Eyed Peas.
SUNDAY, MARCH 21
THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) 1) Homer gets Marge blamed for his DUI yet the marriage continues. 2) Homer makes a bear-fighting suit, succeeds in getting himself killed. (Second episode a repeat)
CHARMED (8 pm, WB) When the Lady of the Lake appears Phoebe says, "Supreme executive power rises from a mandate from the masses not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!" Nobody knows what the hell she is talking about. (Repeat)
FLETCH LIVES (8 pm, AMC) An American movie classic.
ALIAS (9 pm, ABC) When his children are kidnapped Dixon goes to Sydney ... Australia, for a nice relaxing vacation.
That's a wrap, now go play in the street.
Um, make that don't play in the street, be more constructive, write me at Tvwasteland@cinescape.com. Tell me about some of your favorite "American Movie Classics."
TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.
