SCARY MOVIE 2

Lying awake at Christmas camp, I tapped the upper bunk and awoke a fellow councilor. "Hey Greg, you know I was just thinking. That movie SCARY MOVIE 2, it had some funny moments. In fact, I think it might be Chris Elliott's finest hour." Greg, awoken, jumped down from his bed and punched me in the face.

What is it about SCARY MOVIE 2 that has caused such a gap in our nation, between those who hate the film and those who can't even get jobs at gas stations? I wish I could say, once I found myself chuckling, half my teeth rotted away, my belly popped out and I suddenly found myself converting all my dirty Ts into wife-beaters. I knew on a conscious level that the film was puerile, uninspired, boring, nudity-free, not porn, and all other sorts of bad things, but on a subconscious level, whenever Chris Elliott showed up as Hanson (a nod to the already forgotten rock group?), the deformed butler, I lost my cool in a fall-to-the-floor laughing fit.

SCARY MOVIE 2 is about a bunch of students who spend the night in a haunted house and are "violated." There is a prologue that doesn't really fit (though it does take place at the haunted house) with the rest of the story concerning an exorcism. Hell, all this movie is is a bunch of wacky takes on horror movie scenes - THE LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE, POLTERGEIST, THE EXORCIST, DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS. Oh wait, I forgot, it's not just a bunch of wacky takes on horror films, it's also wacky takes on contemporary films like CHARLIE'S ANGELS and HANNIBAL, so there's groaners for everybody.

As directed by Keenan Ivory Wayans, SCARY MOVIE 2 comes across like a bad episode of MAD TV, only longer, much longer. Filled with jokes that revolve around flatulence and urine, it's so sophomoric as to stop time. A few bright moments pop up here and there, mainly through minor comedic talents like Andy Richter, David Cross and the notorious Chris Elliott.

Like most of America, I thought Chris Elliott would never make me laugh again. After his boring appearances in THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY and that Steve Weber show, CURSED, the nation gave up on Chris. Sure, he deserved it with such crap offerings as CABIN BOY (the so bad it's just bad film) and SNOW DAY. Yet, wasn't Chris Elliott the man who in the early '90s gave us GET A LIFE, the hysterically funny until you watch it again recently sitcom, and antagonized David Letterman in a series of now forgotten vignettes during the '80s? Yes, Chris was the man who taught us to kinda half laugh and yet still be able to change the channel. I hate Chris Elliott, I hate him like Jesus hates nails.

No matter how deep my hate for Chris Elliott might be, and it's pretty deep, I must say he is really the only reason to see SCARY MOVIE 2. Maybe if you're the least stinky turd in a pile of feces you look like a diamond, I'm not sure, but he stands head and shoulders above a cast that includes a bunch of over mugging newcomers and horrible celebrity cameos (James Woods crapping on the toilet, wow that's not funny! Natasha Lyonne pissing for two minutes, hmmm, equally dull! Ginger Lynn taking an 18-inch... wait, wrong film!). Just remember that C (marked down from a B+ because, well, even Chris can't save the world) is all Chris, otherwise D-. (And that's all David Cross.)

Walt Disney Home Video has done everything in its power to disgrace Walt's name, and its release of SCARY MOVIE 2 continues the trend. Boasting a very good widescreen print of the film and solid Dolby Digital 5.1 sound the movie certainly doesn't lack anything on the technical side. The animated menus feature a wisecracking bird who makes a lot of pot jokes, which are funny if you're stoned and not if you're sober. There are a bunch of behind the scenes featurettes that are broken up into various independent segments that are dull but, fortunately, brief. (Did you know that the filmmakers had to watch 160 horror movies to come up with this film? Feels more like 6.) A collection of trailers for other Dimension films is included, for what it's worth. The biggest extra on the disc is a deleted scenes section featuring 22 lost takes. Personally I thought the Tori Spelling "taking it doggie style" scene in the film was shameless enough, but the cut segments including a bikini crotch wax scene that made me vomit - demonstrate that the filmmakers were geared to piss on the face of this poor, untalented, exceptionally rich actress. Most of the clips are dull and its rather easy to see why they were cut, aside from a few Chris Elliott moments and a great zinger from David Cross - "What, I'm dead and I'm still crippled... this is bullshit." I know that's a spoiler but I'm saving you from watching this crap. Overall this DVD release's extras made me long for the days of no frills VHS. One can only thank God that there's no director's commentary track.