Note: This is all, sadly, absolutely true. So given that, and the content below, I'm dedicating this one to darkknight and violator.
So it's the 4'th of July. What a national holiday has to do with becoming a Cullen for Halloween, I have no idea. But given the recent conversation in the "Eclipse" review by the slowly warming Rob Vaux, I thought this one would be good for a laugh by you lot.
I'm watching "Not The Messiah" on Blu-Ray when my niece and nephew barge in. My niece immediately expects me to start bragging on having seen "Eclipse" before her, and then she sets down a path of recounting her favorite scenes and lines with as much dedication as the average Maniac concerning their favorite movie.
She expects me to brag, but I'm not interested in doing so. I do show her my copy of the "Eclipse" soundtrack, which brings on salivation and Jacob inspired lust.
So life goes on for a few hours, and about half an hour I came in, laid down in my floor to rest, and about twenty minutes into that she steps in. She wants one of my Nestle Crunch bars, and, for unknown reasons, she starts listing things she's going to need: glitter, makeup, scissors, etc...
"What are you planning?"
She has decided that, for Halloween this year, she is going to make me into a Cullen. Probably Edward or Jasper, and if such Jasper then I'll need to dye my hair or find a wig.
I say "nope, I'm Jacob" knowing full well I look nothing like the boy.
YOU CAN'T BE JACOB!
"I'm Jacob. See my tight werewolf butt?"
YOU CAN'T BE JACOB BECAUSE.....
"Why can't I be Jacob? Huh?"
...because you're skinny and bony.
(Well duh. That's why I said I'm going to be Jacob. Did I mention she prefers Lautner over all others?)
You can't be Jacob! Maybe you can be...
(...and this is when the giggling started. I already know what she's considering: Bella. She then states it, and says I have her forehead.)
(don't ask, I've no clue myself)
"...nope, I'm Jacob."
YOU CAN'T BE JACOB! Maybe Jasper or Edward.
And on and on it went.
There are dangers to having 16 year old nieces. She enjoys combing my hair....in as many weird ways as she can. She wants to dress me up as a Cullen, and is leaning quite heavily to Jasper. And I buy her Taylor Lautner posters for her birthday and Christmas.
Sometimes I wonder if, when I'm dead, spoken at my eulogy and upon my tombstone will be these words: "Twilight Fanatic."
Happy Fourth Of July