The Sexy Episode

Press releases are a fascinatingly audacious thing. For if one is to believe them, every show coming up is the "greatest thing to hit the airwaves, ever," a "revolutionary new concept in television," and "a nod to the great creations of the past done with a style that gives it a hip, contemporary edge that is infectious." How these all apply to a show about a man who has his DNA spliced with a frog to become AMPHIBIOUS MALE is beyond me, but I'm simple.

One other thing about press releases that amazes me is how many times the word "sexy" is incorporated. Not once did I encounter a show that didn't have something "sexy" about it. Be it a man, woman, horse, duck, pig or maggot-riddled corpse, darn it, there was something in every fall show that was going to have the viewer breaking out the drool cup and licking the television screen.

Now PR firms are not run by morons, I think, and so if they are going to use the word "sexy" like you and I use the vowel "e" then it must be a proven ratings booster. Thinking this through, I've decided that I want you to watch every show I've listed so I've pulled a little trick with the descriptions guaranteed to lure you in... like a moth to a dark alleyway.

Now a word from our writer:

BLUE'S CLUES (8 pm, NIK) Sexy Joe and Blue go to pre-school, where Joe's chants of "we are looking for Blue's clues" infuriates the savvy tots who are more than aware of what they are looking for and don't need a constant reminder from some

Jennifer Garner stars in the "Dead Drop" episode of ALIAS

© ABC 2002

WATERWORLD (8 pm, USA) Sexy star Kevin Costner thinks this is a good film; he also doesn't suffer fools. Conclusion: every day Mr. Costner has to dwell in his own presence must be intolerable.

STEPHEN KING'S STORM OF THE CENTURY (9 pm, ABC) When a storm hits a sexy island community they all hole up in a building and take turns watching a sexy demon. Sexy Stephen King hasn't had his name on a film this good since LAWNMOWER MAN.

CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) When the nude corpse of a sexy male stripper is found after a sex party a sexy onlooker tells the sexy police to hold off "covering up that super-sexy fine hunk of all-American dead beef." (Repeat)

MISS TEEN USA (8 pm, NBC) You've never seen so much sexy as 51 girls from all the states and Washington D.C. compete to see which one is the sexiest of all. Sexy musical guests Jessica Simpson and Justin Guarini lend credence to the rumor that their careers are failing by appearing on this. (Note: In deference to Middle and South East America the show will be listed as MRS. TEEN USA in those regions.)

ACCORDING TO JIM (9 pm, ABC) Sexy California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger makes a surprise cameo on his sexy RED HEAT co-star's show to demonstrate to the simple people that he can tolerate their tastes. When sexy star Jim Belushi say's, "Hey everybody, it's sexy Arnold Schwarzenegger," sexy Schwarzenegger responds with, "Shut up unfunny sexy man." (Note: Actual show has something to do with a sexy baby monitor.) (Repeat)

MI-5 (9 pm, A&E) Sexy anarchists stage a sexy demonstration that divides sexy MI-5 and sexy MI-6 giving us sexy MI-.83333333333 (ad infinitum).

VAMPIRES AMONG US (10 pm, TLC) Some sexy people think they are sexy vampires, no s%&#. (Note: In the acerbic North East regions the show will be listed as LOSERS AMONG US.)

ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN)

Author Stephen King on the set of NIGHT FLIER.

© 1998 New Line Cinema

SMALLVILLE (8 pm, WB) Sexy Clark has to save sexy Lionel without revealing his powers. He does so by having a sexy somebody else do the job. (Repeat)

PEPSI SMASH (9 pm, UPN) Sexy Jewel performs this week. JEWEL?!! I thought she was dead. (Repeat)

INSIDE THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE (10 pm, DSC) They say the sexy audience for this thing disappears halfway through the show.

SECRETS OF THE BOG PEOPLE: WINDOVER (9 pm, TLC) A Florida bog keeps corpses sexy for thousands of years.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) At a sexy "little people's" convention somebody sexy dies. Sexy Grissom investigates and says, "So which one of you represents the Lollipop Kids?" He gets a sexy kick in the nuts. (Repeat)

WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) When a sexy child is abducted, people - with the exception of Roman Polanski - start to wonder if the word sexy is being used a little too much. (Repeat)

REN & STIMPY / GARY THE RAT / STRIPPERELLA (10 pm, TNN) This sexy group walks the fine line between the clever and the puerile with no regard for the line.

TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCI-FI) A sexy monster hunter appears on the right show. (Repeat)

STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCI-FI) Sexy Jaffa Warrior Women who prey on other Sexy Jaffa must be stopped lest the production of other sexy Jaffa Warrior Women goes down to nil.

SPIDER-MAN (10 pm, MTV) 1) Sexy Spider-Man is tricked into a robbery, changes name to Stupid-Man. 2) Sexy Spider-Man enlists the aid of a super sexy intelligent monkey who was bitten by a radioactive human; that's right, this week Man-Simian is introduced.

DEAD LIKE ME (10 pm, SHOW) Sexy George gets a sexy pet, one snuggle later it is dead like her.

MISSION TO MARS (8 pm, ABC)

John Billingsley as Dr. Phlox on ENTERPRISE

© 2001 UPN

TEEN TITANS (9 pm, TOON) Sexy Beast Boy teaches some sexy troublemakers a lesson by giving one a tracheotomy with a shard of glass, the other a chainsaw appendectomy, and the last an eye-scraping with a cheese grater. Sexy Robin tells sexy Beast Boy to lay off the Lucio Fulci films.

DRAGNET (10 pm, ABC) A sexy woman is found dead six years after she went missing. Sexy family nonchalantly says, "Well, it's not like we didn't have time to prepare." (Repeat)

BLOOD SURF (7 pm, SCI-FI) A sexy monstrous crocodile wonders if there's more to life than killing sexy documentary crew members.

FUTURAMA (7 pm, FOX) Sexy Amy gets knocked up by Sexy Kif Kroker, has one of those sexy IT'S ALIVE babies. (Repeat)

WITHOUT A TRACE (8 pm, CBS) When a sexy boxer goes missing before a fight one of the sexy team says, "I hate to bring negativity up in moments of tragedy but for some inexplicable reason this case compels me to state that I hate that Simon and Garfunkel song "The Boxer" with a passion usually reserved for people who kill a family member or a pet. My mother loves it though, for what it's worth, God rest her soul." (Repeat)

THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Sexy Bart nominates sexy Mrs. Krabappel for a teaching award. Sexy writers are forced to make an immediate trip to the sexy unemployment line. (Repeat)

And so we come to the end of another column. Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow.