Greetings Cinescapers! I must say that I've fallen under the spell of my television and, well, discovered that it's much nicer to collect an unemployment check than go to work. Alas, my job doesn't see it that way and refuses to fire me so as not to have to pay unemployment insurance. Without being fired I can't collect unemployment, or at least I'll have to work a little harder to get it (and we all know that's not going to happen), plus I can't complain to my friends about how my job was run by fools who didn't know what a super guy I really was.
Still I try and try and try, but then somebody pointed out that my job was being a television reviewer so why would I want to lose my job - my job is my sloth! I never had it put to me that way before, so now I'm desperately calling up the CINESCAPE staff and telling them I never said those "horrible, wretched" things about them and blaming it all on miscommunication and their inability to see the satire in my writing and rants.
Alas, I was told that there's not much satirical about "Dear -----, you are a #&*&^@& *#?*%* and your mom is ($&&*#?*%* #&*# as well!" Particularly in light of the fact that symbols don't translate well into English. For example, the above - "you are a numberandasteriskandcarrotatandasterisk" doesn't mean a hell of a lot.
Anyway, after claiming insanity, attending "jerk control" seminars and telling everybody that I'm no Sonia Mansfield, I was allowed to keep my job and all is well.
So now that the world is round again, let me just say that this week we have a bunch of shows listed and they're on something called a television. Read on and know what to watch!
(Fans and fiends feel free to drop a comment or a complaint to email@example.com.)
MONDAY, MAY 12
STARGATE SG-1 (7 pm, SCI-FI) 1) A horny toad learns Goa'uld secrets from a princess. 2) The Goa'uld try to win back a planet they once had, but the planet has moved on. Flowers were nice, though. 3) Alien life unleashed by found object; Stargate crew slapped on hand and reminded of "don't pick up trash" rule. 4) Kidnapped kid gets all screwy in head and starts badmouthing his father. Father suspect brainwashing, Stargate crew suspect puberty. (Repeats, every last one of them.)
THE CRAFT (8 pm, TBS) Goth favorite pits goody two shoes post-suicidal teen against former friends after witchcraft and other Wiccan shenanigans result in death and destruction.
CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) A drug addict's home is the location of a murder and an explosion, leading addict to do that comical bit where he looks at his drugs, looks at the mayhem, looks back at his drugs and after shaking his head throws the drugs away.
TUESDAY, MAY 13
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (8 pm, UPN) OH MY GOD!!! Angel is back helping Buffy!!! WHOA!!! This is sure to be the best episode ever!
SHAFT (8 pm, TBS) Forget plot, forget adherence to the original concept, this film is all about Samuel L. Jackson spouting out one liners and us loving every second of it. Bring on the sequels.
SMALLVILLE (9 pm, WB) Chloe finds out about Lana and Clark; no longer thinks of Clark as such a super man.
24 (9 pm, Fox) It's 6 am and there's this guy who can stop the war, but it's up to Jack to bring him in. All goes fine until war stopping guy's insistence that Hanson "rock's the house" causes Jack to forcibly remove him from his car.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 14
ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN), Archer bores the hell out of T'Pol when he rambles out a tale of how he teamed up with a former rival to consolidate their assets and businesses in order to provide the best company from which to court investors. UPN's slow transformation of ENTERPRISE into a show about establishing one's own private business continues to alienate fans and delight business students.
RAISING ARIZONA (8 pm, BRAVO) Is there a greater reason for living than the existence of this film? (Well, maybe wife swapping... maybe.)
ENTERPRISE (9 pm, UPN)
STEPHEN KING'S CHILDREN OF THE CORN (9 pm, SCIFI) Demon in the cornfield turns kids into killers. Bad rip-off of VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED in and of itself spawned a plethora of sequels and rip-offs, most notably the family Christmas favorite BEWARE! CHILDREN AT PLAY.
THURSDAY, MAY 15
A FEW GOOD MEN (8 pm, TBS) You want the truth! You can't handle the truth! That this film has dated badly.
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (8 pm, CBS) 1) When a model is found dead, sibling rivalry is blamed. So remember kids, always be kind to your brothers and sisters or they'll cut your face. 2) The CSI team loses a member in a gun battle. No not that kind of member. The first is a rerun the second is a premier in this no-brainer ratings boost for CBS
CLIFFHANGER (9 pm, TNT) Sly Stallone had his last taste of success with this thriller. Nowadays he's working on ROCKY VI, in which a nuclear spill causes his turtles to become teenage ninja mutants and help him fight whatever nationality America's against at the time. (My money's on the French.)
WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) When Samantha gets shot in a hostage situation the team tries a new strategy called "the don't get shot" plan.
FRIDAY, MAY 16
ME, MYSELF AND IRENE (8 pm, FOX) Jim Carrey does a bad Clint Eastwood impression in a bad movie, the title of which is a bad word play on me, myself and I. Awful; if I did this kind of work at my job I'd get fired in 10 seconds.
CROCODILE DUNDEE II (8 pm, TBS) Thank god this follow up came along. There were so many unanswered questions from the first.
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) 1) When an amateur hockey player is killed during a pile up, Canada is blamed. (Repeat) 2) Leave it to the law to investigate you when all you've done is get suspected for murder and get caught burying bodies. Geesh, doesn't the law have anything better to do? (Repeat) Two hours of CSI mean a lot of potato chip consumption.
SATURDAY, MAY 17
TERMINATOR II: JUDGMENT DAY pm, WB) I'll be back, in a sequel that begs to be called TERMINATOR III: IN DESPERATE NEED OF HIT.
THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS GAME SHOW MOMENTS 5 (8 pm, NBC) You know there's just no way they can top 4.
CHARLIE'S ANGELS (9 pm, ABC) MATRIX-effects-laden film revered as exquisite eye candy. Plot seen as holy.
SUNDAY, MAY 18
PRETTY WOMAN (8 pm, TBS) Hooker with heart of gold scores big in love and box office.
THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) 1) Bart joins an activities club, Millhouse joins another, there is a fight to the death. 2) Moe is allowed to baby-sit Maggie. Do Homer and Marge have no sense? Two new episodes; I'm so there.
HITLER: THE RISE OF EVIL (9 pm, CBS) The 20th Century's greatest monster gets the film of the week treatment.
That wraps up the week, so remember, if you want to see a favorite show listed in this column do drop a line to firstname.lastname@example.org. I will try to include it in future columns. No s....
TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.