Let’s break up the last episode of Smallville into what I liked, and what I didn’t like. I’ll start with the “likes.” I liked Erica Durance in a Playboy bunny outfit. OK, done, now on to the dislikes – but before I proceed, I’d like to categorize the viewers of this particular program from my brief stay with you fine folks.
The first group of people who watch Smallville, are the fierce loyalists. You people, I don’t understand. There is a surprising amount of people who watch this show, and are happy each and every week with what is broadcast into your living room. I’m not assuming you’re the majority of viewers, but I am surprised that your nationwide combined total is in double digits. I can forgive anyone in this category if you are less than 10 years old, OR you live alone, AND you are without the use of your limbs, AND your television was set to the CW as some sort of cruel joke by an arch nemesis of yours.
Those are the only two acceptable reasons to watch this program, and to be honest, if I didn’t have arms and legs, I’d be scooching like a mad worm to rip the plug out of the wall with my teeth.
The second group are those of you who have watched since the beginning and believe you have too much invested in this show to give up on it at this point. It’s like you guys sunk a large portion of your savings into some can’t-miss blue chip stock at a 100 bucks a share. You didn’t expect them to go through the roof overnight necessarily, but you felt confident you weren’t going to take a loss. It was a sound and prudent investment if you bought in at Season One.
The problem with you guys, is you should have sold back before Season Two ever began. Sure. You got some nice bumps along the way, but if you’re looking at your portfolio, you know deep down you’re never going to see your initial investment. Those of you in this group feel like you’ve ridden this stock this far, and while it underperformed overall, you’re terrified if you sold off now the market will turn around.
The last group are the ones I identify with most. You’re not invested, but you like the character. You’ve seen a few good episodes, so you know they’re capable. You’re like an Oakland Raider fan. You love the brand, and sadly, you know the odds are your team won’t finish better than 6 – 10. Every now and then however, your teams wins one, and you’re willing tune in with the hopes you luck out and view one of the victories.
So now - what didn’t I like about this episode? I thought the villain, Ray Sacks, was once again played way too over the top. I’m not sure if I blame Dylan Neal for his acting choice; though it’s hard to believe anyone chooses to act like that. I’m comfortable blaming the writers and director for this one-dimensional portrayal too. Let’s blame ‘em all, because if one of them did their job this would not have happened.
Seriously, a guy gets out of prison a couple months after tossing Lois Lane off a roof (let’s not even ponder how he got a tried and convicted so quickly) and his first order of business is to try and kill her again? This is a pretty powerful guy, and this makes sense to him? He gets out of jail and very soon after, Lois Lane is found dead, and no one suspects him?
Next, Lois and Clark are going to fight each other for their job because the new editor thinks he’ll make an impression with the higher-ups if he cuts the fat. In reality Lois and Clark would have raced to HR and filed a grievance, and the new editor would be on his ass before the ink was dry for the morning edition. You can’t have that discussion in an open hallway with other employees walking by.
Number 3, not that I’m complaining, but how come Clark managed to crash this swanky shindig without having to slip on a pair of F- Me pumps, some butt floss and then pop out of a cake?
Here’s another one – If Lois Lane was trained to fight in hand-to-hand combat by her tougher than nails military daddy, and she even gave a Checkmate trained assassin, Tess Mercer, a run for her money in the fisticuffs department, then why did that 85 pound dweeb with the cell phone smack her around so easily?
Speaking of Tess, isn’t she supposed to be in hiding?
Speaking of the dweeby guy, how about that ridiculous mental image Maya 3D program Mawwell Lord hooked him and Lois and 4 other people up to? Really? That contraption pulls tiny bits of visual recollections from the captives’ minds in builds a perfect image of the combined memories? Seems a bit out there.
AND, when The Blur (geez, I am hating that nickname only slightly less than calling him the Red/Blue Blur – that was painfully stupid) meets up with Max Lord, and Lord threatens to screw with Lois’ mind permanently, Clark is frozen until he notices his identity is about to be revealed – via the big unfeasible Multiple Memory Gatherer and Visual Combiner Machine. Then not only does Clark smash through it, but Maxwell Lord doesn’t hurt Lois’ brain, but somehow manages to escape from Clark. This despite the fact that Clark happens to possess super speed, and super hearing and x-ray vision. Oh yeah, and of all the people hooked to this machine, Lois is the only one who wakes up. Were there other sadly typical “Smallville moments? You bet, but I just remembered another good thing, and I didn’t want the people in Group One to complain that I only liked Lois in her rabbit costume. I also liked Lois all kind of bondaged-up, wearing the short trench coat in that goofy mind trap.
So who is the Red Queen? It could be Martha Kent as some of you surmised. It may very well be Tess Mercer. She also has the red hair thing, so it makes a little bit of sense. Well, a little bit of Smallville sense anyway. It could be the return of Lana Lang. I did hear that Kristin Kreuk was seen on the set a bit ago. Then those lovely gams could belong to Lex Luthor. Maybe he had to sneak into a fancy soiree in a Playboy bunny outfit.
It makes Smallville sense.
Check out some of Joe Oesterle’s artwork. He just updated the Design section on his site. Let him know what you think.