Arrrrrggghhh!!!!!! This show frustrates the hell out of me sometimes, and the latest installment, “Pandora,” was a perfect example of said frustration. This show has so much potential, and has, on occasion, created so much good but it’s always weighed down with the kind of convoluted logic and out and out stupidity that makes me want to rip out every single hair on my head, and join the other bald former Smallville resident Lex Luther and hide away from these writers for a couple of seasons.
I’ll try to address the positives before the urge to rail on against idiocy overtakes me; I really enjoyed the special effects. The red sun looked huge and powerful. I won’t bother wondering how the Earth’s sun got so big, I’ll just accept that it did…. Did we get closer to it? Did it get closer to us? Did the sun physically grow? Once the sun becomes yellow again won’t most of the earth just burn up anyway? Ahhhh look at me. I went negative. I said I’d try to address the positive, but one sentence in and I went negative. By the many moons of Graxios, I can’t help myself! This show is maddening.
Phew, I need to collect myself. Yeah, alright, the sun was ten times bigger than normal for some reason and that will never harm us, or any of the other planets in our solar system even when it goes back to yellow… Ok, I can deal with that.
I loved the fact that they were on a quest to retrieve a ring, and there were two towers, and they had to battle the mighty inhabitants of Mordor – I mean Kandor.
Ok, ok, I’ll stop.
I did like the look of the post apocalyptic Metropolis slums, and the tattered Superman insignia hanging like a warning flag was nicely reminiscent of the Doomsday comic, so many years ago.
We get to see all of this because Tess, the misguided Earthist, has invaded Lois’ brainwaves thanks to the technological genius of Chloe’s wild side counterpart, Stu.
Chloe in the meantime is justifiably pissed off at Clark because he dared call her ethics into question. I’ll give it up to the writers for that one. They managed to pull off a reasonable bait and switch on us there. For a few weeks many of us have wondered in the comment boxes below if Chloe was letting all this Big Brother intelligence go to her head. While I think it would have been more interesting to turn Chloe into a chaotic good girl gone rogue for altruistic reasons, I’ll accept that her morals are still unwavering.
Just think though, how intriguing would it be to have a Chloe, who clear mindedly decides the only way to win the war against the baddies is to use her Watchtower tech to eavesdrop on potential evil doers as well as innocent civilians? She would obviously go too far, and Clark would have to step in to stop her, but she’d certainly be the most formidable foe ol’ Smallville could ever face at this point in his life. Could he defeat her, and if so, at what cost? Plus it would make Chloe kind of interesting.
Those last few paragraphs weren’t overly critical, but here’s something that irked the crap out of me. Why in the world would a Kandorian who wants to beat up or kill Lois because she dared ask for food even consider letting her go unharmed for a freaking wristwatch? I mean, I get that it has sentimental value to Clark, so it is indeed a heroic and selfless gesture on his part, but I’d bet she could have grabbed a few dozen watches at an abandoned Macy’s or Nordstroms if she really wanted a watch. AND if she really really wanted a watch she could have ripped Clark’s arm out of his socket and taken it. My point is, Clark had nothing to bargain with. Bad-ass Kandorian assassin chick didn’t need to bargain, and she really didn’t need a watch anyway. That scene was just there to show us that Clark had Lois’ back, but come on. We’re not all 6 years old in this audience. There was a better way to convey Clark’s still a hero under a red sun without insulting my intelligence. It’s stupid, it’s sloppy, and too often, it’s Smallville.
And by the way, why did Zod reach into Lois’ pocket? He seemed to know she had something in there. Does he have x-ray vision, or did he just want to get inside her pants? Too bad Lois didn’t have a wristwatch of her own to bargain with.
Speaking of bargaining, when in the history of ever does this ploy work? “Take my life, just let her live!” That’s what Clark screams out shortly after Zod announces there will be a double execution. Clark, you already gave up your wristwatch, so unless you have a really cool skipping stone, or a slingshot in your back pocket, I’m guessing you’re plumb out of sentimental valuables to trade.
As Zod raises his sword in an attempt to separate Clark’s head from his body, in pops some masked guy shooting green arrows. Oh the tension! I can’t wait until this guy removes the scarf from his face so we can find out who is shooting green arrows. At first I thought Red Tornado, then I guessed Blue Beetle. Boy was I surprised when it was revealed that the masked hero shooting green arrows was Green Arrow. I can only surmise he was masked because it truly did come as a surprise to me that Chloe was the other sharpshooter. I assumed it was his hooker with a heart of gold friend from a couple weeks ago, but Chloe was an effective switch twice this episode.
And man did those two clean house. They were a seriously lethal Kandorian-killing machine, and Chloe being all deadly cool when she declared in matter-of-fact detached tones, “I had the shot, I had to take it.”
Allow me to digress here, because I watched this episode twice, but I’m still unclear how the Kandorians get superpower under a red sun, and Clark is reduced to the strength of a mere human. I know Jor-El did something to rob the Kandorians of their powers, but what powers did they have? They weren’t flying back on Krypton, and if everyone on the planet has super strength, then isn’t that just called normal strength? Owwwww my brain hurts again. Please someone explain the whole red sun gives everyone from Krypton super powers – yet robs Clark of his.
So Lois, running a block in heels somehow manages to hide behind a truck, and she thinks Chloe is going to be safe after she notices a flying super strong Kandorian heading their way? I assume since Zod knew there was something in Lois’ pocket that all these Kandorians have the powers of The Blur. This would include, heightened vision, and hearing. Hiding behind an SUV is no defense against an angry Kryptonian. What was Lois thinking? If you touch the truck it’s some sort of safety zone?
Eh, that’s not the worst part, because after Bad-ass Kandorian assassin girl runs Chloe right through, Green Arrow comes and warns the much more powerful enemy to “Get the hell away from her!”
WTF!?! Get the hell away from her? This is the same guy who only 8 minutes ago slit the throat of a Kandorian in the heat of battle. If he ever had a chance at taking out an integral piece of the Kandorian army it was to stealthily shoot that chick in the back. Am I the only one crying right now? I hope not. It’s so painful. Please Smallville writers! Please! Please do not insult my intelligence any more. There is NO excuse for that kind of writing. G. A. is fighting a war, he just watched his partner get slain before his eyes, and instead of firing a righteous kill shot of his own, he lets her escape?!? Please allow me to reiterate, WTF!!!!!
And since I’m reiterating, AAAARRRRRRGGGHHH again.
Oh, and at the end, Clark and Lois hold hands in the elevator. Who the F cares! That romantic Lois and Clark moment may have made me forgive some glaring errors in past shows, but not this time. I am officially insulted by shitty writing. And why wasn’t Clark wearing his glasses? Or better yet, why have him put them on last week if he wasn’t going to wear then this week. WHY!?
I want answers! I need answers! I deserve answers!
Who the hell could have guessed from last week’s coming attraction that the Wonder Twins episode was going to be so much better than Pandora? Maddening.
I’m going to cry some more.
And so fair citizens of Smallville, until next week, once again this is Joe Oesterle, your mild-mannered blogging, reviewer guy saying, “It's kryptonite, Superman. Little souvenir from the old home town. I spared no expense to make you feel right at home.”
Joe Oesterle is an award-winning writer and illustrator, but what he often fails to mention is that many of those awards were won on a New Jersey boardwalk. Pick up his latest books "Weird California" and "Weird Las Vegas" in any Barnes and Noble near you, and look for his next book, "Weird Hollywood," due out soon.
And if you enjoy stories of naked women being hunted with paintball guns, be sure to check out Joe’s latest article on his own blogsite, http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/2009/11/18/442/