Upon hearing the news that this week’s Smallville would center around a bottle of magic champagne, courtesy of Zatanna, I assumed this review would be focused on two things; the fact that Serinda Swan can’t act out her way out of wet a top hat, and the more impressive fact that as long as she’s wearing an outfit made up primarily of fishnet stockings and 4 inch heels, that I might be able to overlook her lack of genuine thespian abilities. Imagine my chagrin when the shimmering stockings and the sexy stilettos of this episode were worn instead by Justin Hartley.
At least we now have a conceivable answer as to why logic, plausible dialogue, decent character arcs and basic continuity are ignored, forgotten or simply never thought of. The writers are drunk off their collective asses on enchanted bubbly.
I’m sure some of you out there thought this was just another harmless filler episode, and I am by no means against frivolity, especially when we’re dealing with a character that got his start on the inexpensive pulpy pages of a 1938 comic book. My problem this week is chiefly poor time management. Personally I just don’t think they have the luxury of a silly episode with so many loose ends to tie up before the final confrontation between Darkseid and Superman, Lois and Clark’s wedding and the final confrontation between Clone Lex and Clark. I’d have thought they would have concentrated on building more tension and give us a bit more back-story on the dark god of Apokolips. I would have also assumed if not that, than we’d get a little more information on Clone Lex, and if he’s aware his motherly sister, Tess tried to euthanize him. At the very least I would have expected after so much was made of it last week that Clark would be wearing his glasses. I mean that seemed like a pretty big deal at the end of last week’s episode, correct? I mean it would only make sense to follow up the logic built up in the last five minutes of the previous episode, right? Ahhh, but I’m willing to forgive the writers. After all, if I was drinking that much supernatural Dom Pérignon I probably would have forgotten what we had already established just 7 short days prior.
While I’m assuming how things get done on the CW lot, I’ll also surmise the writers and producers are constantly watching movies while they’re all getting wasted on sparkling wine. Just recently it’s clear they’ve watched Date Night, The Matrix, parts of Star Wars, and now The Hangover must have just popped up on their Netflix account. Someone really ought to hack that account.
I imagine some will forgive the ridiculousness of the entire first 50 minutes for the special send-off they gave Chloe. Chloe was given a special heart-to-heart with Clark (again) she was given some sort of overseer of super hero status, she gets to become a professional journalist at a great metropolitan newspaper (based I suppose some samples she did between the ages of 15-18 a number of years ago) and she gets to marry Oliver Queen. I however am not among those individuals. I never cared for her character, and her overall story seemed to wrap up a little conveniently. While I did get a little geeked up over the casual mention of a billionaire with high tech toys and a wondrous woman who will knock you for a loop, I quickly realized that’s just an old Smallville trick; divulge something cool the viewers will never ever see on this show, and hope the nerdy euphoria will make the rest of the evening’s crap smell like roses.
Here’s what I did manage to actually enjoy during this installment. I liked drunkish Clark running at full speed and slamming into a wall, taking out a chuck of it in the process. I also liked the fact that he’s not above a little good-natured vandalism after knocking back a few, as evidenced by his sign stealing antics at Lexcorp. I also surprisingly enough liked the cinematography for Emil and Tess duet. It was a bit reminiscent of the Johnny Cash biopic, Walk the Line, but then again it would have to be, because these guys don’t create anything original.
What didn’t I like? Well pretty much everything else. I’m not nitpicking when I say the fact that Tess is suddenly one of the guys/gals is a little jarring. I get she’s on the good guy’s side, but realistically there should still be some distance between her and the rest of the superfriends. Seeing her all happy and jokey with the gang was a real disconnect for me.
I absolutely hate the fact that someone over there thinks Erica Durance is the go-to actor when it comes to slapstick comedy. How about just never doing slapstick comedy again on this show. It always lays an egg. Watching her crawl around the floor as that wedding ring was kicked just out of her reach each and every time she made a grab for it was just painful.
Oh, and by the way, Lois Lane was the Black Jack champion at Fort Dix. Of course she was. She was the champion at everything at some point in her short life, and here’s a part that really made me want to heave magic puke against my tv screen. Not only does Lois know for a fact the casino was dealing from the bottom, because the only way she’d ever bet her wedding ring was on a sure thing, (and she was drunk on Zatana’s mind-erasing champagne mind you) she also managed to actually shame the hard nose pit boss into looking at his shoes in disgrace when Lois brought up the fact she must have been cheated out of that hand. Seriously I rewound that scene a few times. I wrote a book on Las Vegas once and spent a good amount of time in the casinos. I interviewed a number of pit bosses in that time and witnessed many more of them doing their job. You know what I never witnessed from any of them? Shame. That doesn’t mean these men can’t feel shame. It’s just that I never had the chance to sit any one of them down to an episode of Smallville. I’m betting (heavily) each one of them would have feelings of embarrassment and dishonor after viewing a single episode.
Well that about wraps up this week’s review. I don’t have any magic champagne so I now need to hit the harder stuff if I want to wipe out any memories of this last episode. Unfortunately I think Oliver “Drag” Queen will be forever burned into my mind’s eye, and the stranger part is looking back at this last two years of watching/reviewing Smallville that’s not even one of the top 50 lamest moments for this show.
I need a drink.
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