Heroes Review: "How to Stop an Exploding Man"

let's review Heroes.

I'm disappointed in this finale. Sure, there were some great scenes: you can't get better than Claire completely bitching out Nathan and Mrs. Petrelli, and Peter's dream sequence was great, except that the actress who plays Simone has one mood she can play, and that's high-strung suspicious. I honestly thought she was being sarcastic when she said "you're the real hero" or whatever while trying to be complimentary.

But the rest of the episode... yeeagh. Why could D.L. sit around with a belly wound for twenty minutes, then walk all over the place... then stand up for the final battle under his own power? I don't know if you've been shot recently, but I'm not sure that's really on anyone's playbook after taking a bullet. How'd he get his hand back if Linderman lost his brain? Does he have brain-hand now? Because it sure didn't look like it. I call bullshit on Heroes physical law.

Second, and this is the real pisser, what the frick, Nathan? Your motivations were all over the map this episode. First you're hell bent on stopping the bomb because it's the way things have to be and so you can be there for the American people afterwards. You've got this all sorted out in your head. And then you just sort of... show up at the end! Oh yes, Peter, even though CLAIRE CAN TOTALLY SHOOT YOU AND IT WILL ALL BE FINE, YOU COMPLETE DUMBASS. The only problem with Claire shooting him was that she just didn't want to. Oops, Uncle Peter, I don't think I can do it. How about Daddy flies you into space where HE WILL DIE, whereas the only thing I would've faced is GUILT and then you would've been fine because

PETER

CAN

FUCKING

REGENERATE.

WHAT THE HELL, SCRIPTWRITERS?

And since when does Syalr let people run at him from like ten feet away to skewer him? Matt SHOT him, and Sylar just turned the damn bullets around! Bullets go a LOT FASTER than little Japanese men! It's not like he hasn't thrown Hiro across long distances before! He did it THAT VERY EPISODE! But no, Hiro got to charge for a second and a half while Sylar stood there like a dork, WAITING for it.

I was glad to see him crawl down the sewer, though. Mostly because I do love me some Sylar, and also because it'll lend some consistency to next season, since there WASN'T ANY THIS SEASON.

And when Molly and Micah did the little kid-flirt, I almost threw up in my mouth. Does anybody remember being ten? Boys had cooties. Girls were weird. Nobody wants a little boyfriend or little girlfriend before puberty. If the show makes them grow up and get married, you best believe it's getting a punch to whatever gland will be most painful.

And hey, Molly! You just got a blood transfusion! What are you gonna do now? "Well, gee, Charlotte, I don't know, maybe show as much energy as your average ten-year-old on speed?" Gee whiz, Molly, seriously? Even though you just got laid flat after a sudden bout of your magical illness that can be cured by any ol' man-on-the-street? "Sure thing! Who needs to rest after losing all strength? Not me! I'm good to go!" Well, okay, Molly, if you insist!

And hey, Candace! You talked about being fat last episode, but when we knocked you out, who did we see? Skinny li'l Candace! Well, maybe she can use her power in her sleep, or something. I don't know. That wasn't top of my list by any means. But God, woman. Learn to throw a punch.

And Matt. I hate to repeat anything evil Company execs said, but seriously. I don't want to hear another goddamned word about your pregnant wife. In all honesty? I'm kind of glad you're dead, so now you can't mention your wife and unborn child ever again as justification for doing something completely stupid.

Oh God, though. Favorite exchange ever:

Sylar: Do you think I'd die that way? Stabbed by a silly little man?
Ando: Hiro isn't silly!

Oh, Hiro. Yes you are.