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  • TV Series: Spartacus: Blood and Sand
  • Episode: The Red Serpent
  • Starring: Andy Whitfield, John Hannah, Lucy Lawless, Craig Parker, Viva Bianca, Manu Bennett, and Erin Cummings
  • Written By: Steven S. DeKnight
  • Directed By: Rick Jacobson
  • Network: Starz
  • Series:

Spartacus: The Red Serpent Review

You're Kidding, Right?

By Rob Vaux     January 24, 2010


Spartacus: Blood and Sand
© Starz/Bob Trate

 

Watching Spartacus: Blood and Sand right after Caprica is (to paraphrase Dennis Miller), the intellectual equivalent of a groin pull. While Caprica meditated soulfully on humanity's self-made doom, Spartacus made us believe it was already here. I spent two hours contemplating our place in the universe, our capacity for self destruction and our fumbling search for God, only to follow that with a literal orgy of gratuitous button pushing delivered in the most craven and ham-handed manner possible. To call Spartacus a pandering piece of crap insults other pandering pieces of crap, who at least have the decency to admit what they are. So derivative and unoriginal are the results of this show--so clearly appropriating the hard work and effort of other projects--that one scarcely knows which aspect to be offended by first.
 
We'll start with the creative team, who were knee-deep in Xena: Warrior Princess a decade ago and who bring Lucy Lawless along for the ride here. That earlier show was just as ludicrous as this one, but it went about its task with a knowing wink and a sense of fun that turned its ridiculous qualities into assets. Why they chose to abandon those instincts here is beyond me, but if you can contemplate Xena played straight, you'll have a good idea of what horrors Spartacus holds. After negotiating a deal intended to free his people from the depredations of nearby barbarians, the title character (Andy Whitfield) finds himself betrayed by the Romans and chucked into the nearest gladiatorial arena. From there, he'll presumably battle his way to Revolutionary Messiah status, but who has time to contemplate all of that beneath the avalanche of tits and beheadings shoveled indiscriminately on top of us? Spartacus abuses its premium cable status in every conceivable scene, from crude dialogue littered with "fucks" to naked starlets far too skinny to ever pass themselves off as Roman nobility. (They knew how to eat back then, folks.)
 
Don't get me wrong: I love unnecessary toplessness and gore-spattered fights as much as the next man. But Spartacus has no idea how to deliver them. It treats the sex and violence like a child with a piece of roadkill, constantly thrusting it in our faces and shouting "look what I found!" Any sense of guilty pleasure gets buried beneath the witless presentation. We get it, fellas: you can show us the hoochie. But you have to find something better to wrap it around, because you're never going to sell us on quantity alone. (You just can't compete with the Internet in that department.)
 
The story and imagery fall into the same disastrous traps. Spartacus borrows heavily from both Gladiator and 300--though mostly from the latter with its heavy reliance on CG backgrounds and carefully coordinated slow motion. The differences stem from the source. 300 made a conscious effort to emulate the style of artist Frank Miller: there was a coherent creative vision behind its look. Spartacus tosses the same tools around willy nilly, devoid of thematic cohesion and trusting that we'll be too distracted to notice what it's ripping off. Similar elements appear like Third World stereo components, from the Lisa Gerrard wannabe wailing on the soundtrack to the internecine Roman scheming trying lend the proceedings more depth than it could ever hope to support.
 
Having acknowledged all that, and with the standing caveat that this show is really, truly dreadful, one certainly can't accuse it of inducing boredom. Indeed, with such brazen lack of originality and a street pimp's instincts for catering to our basest desires, Spartacus's resolute efforts to take itself seriously are certainly good for a laugh or two. The first episode retains a hypnotic fascination of the kind Ed Wood movies used to produce: a dawning realization that they actually mean it and intend to follow through on their untenable premise without once acknowledging the world-class goofiness of it all. Lawless and co-star John Hannah provide a few glimmers of hope, playing the husband-and-wife owners of a gladiator training academy and the only people onscreen who don't need to get naked to hold our attention. But they are all but powerless beneath the staggering moose turd surrounding them, and if we gain some amusement by the show's other aspects, we're definitely laughing at them, not with them. Xena and Gabrielle would be very disappointed.
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COMMENTS AND RESPONSES

Showing items 1 - 10 of 18
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okonomiyaki4000 1/24/2010 3:32:45 PM

 Agreed. The second episode is even worse. 

djcgmcse 1/24/2010 6:17:40 PM

The battle scense are pretty good, but the acting and dialog are just so awful, it's hard to take anything serious with this show.  Really dissapointing too, I was really hoping for something great.  Funny that Starz renewed this series for a second season already.

MrJawbreakingEquilibrium 1/24/2010 11:51:16 PM

Yeah, this show is awful.  I was literally groaning and fighting myself to not turn off my PS3 - I was streaming it with Netflix.  I sat through it and I can't recall one good thing about it.  Hell, I can't recall anything from it bad either.  I think I repressed those memories.

bjordson 1/25/2010 8:19:32 AM

There is now an army of Moose that are complaining that there are many redeeming values to their turds. There are NO redeeming values to this show.

raa2001 1/25/2010 8:45:46 AM

I'm sure it'll be cancelled really soon

monkeyfoot 1/25/2010 8:46:24 AM

Yeah, this was very disappointing. Saw the premiere on Encore but I don't think they will be running the regular series there.

I never thought slo-mo battle scenes could get so boring and repetitive. Everything 300 did with great effect is overdone to the point of - well to the point of pointlessness. Because it was so stylized, I found no identification with the characters and don't really care what happened to them. Hopefully producers Raimi, Tapaert and Donen will start to give it its own feel and heart because I won't need to catch another episode otherwise.

 

MrJawbreakingEquilibrium 1/25/2010 2:51:45 PM

Raimi is involved with this?  Oh, yeah, now I remember...well, I never thought everything he did was good anyway.  I never cared for Xena, Hercules, and Brisco.  He might not have worked on Brisco, though, I forget.

violator14 1/25/2010 4:51:30 PM

an F!?!?!  wow. I was about to setup a DVR recording for this, but I guess not anymore. haha

Wyldstaar 1/25/2010 5:03:00 PM

Don't keep it all in man, tell us how you really feel! %}

Moz72 1/26/2010 1:04:45 AM

Guys, don't be so high brow. This is a sword and sandal show w/ tits and ass and loads of violence produced by Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert. What were you all expecting,..Masterpiece Theater??

Next time it's on, order a pizza and some wings, crack open a six pack and enjoy the show, or change the channel.

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