SPIDER-MAN: SWEET CHARITY #1

By: Tony Whitt
Date: Saturday, June 29, 2002

Just when I thought Ron Zimmerman's writing couldn't get any more obnoxious, repulsive, or dumb, SPIDER-MAN: SWEET CHARITY comes along and shows that, given enough ballast, even the lowest can sink even lower. Rarely have I come across such a complete crock of crap as this book-well, not since the last time I had to read one of Zimmerman's SPIDER-MAN titles. This book has all the entertainment value of a case of the dry heaves.

In the hands of a more competent and less completely annoying writer, the concept behind this book might have been fun: J. Jonah Jameson wants to put on the mother of all charity auctions to benefit victims of the WTC catastrophe, and he wants Peter Parker to get hold of Spider-Man to participate in the event. Peter doesn't think he'll get any bids, though, and it takes the combined brute power of the Thing, the Human Torch, and (cough) Aunt May to convince him to do it. When the moment of truth comes and the webhead's getting no bids(!), Alyosha, son of Kraven, bids $100,000 if Spider-Man and Jonah will go camping together. Hilarity ensues. So does nausea. (Seems Zimmerman can't do a book without Leno or "Al", and this one has both. Rapture.) Add a revenge plot by the Scorpion into the mix to make it look more like a comic book and less like a self-imposed challenge on Zimmerman's part to see how many pop culture references and sycophantic ass-kissing remarks about Jay Leno he can fit into one book, and you've pretty much got the plot. Such as it is.

I've written before about what a complete lack of grasp Zimmerman has on Spidey's character, and here he simply proves he has no idea of what this character is about. Zimmerman writes Spider-Man as a character truly lacking in any sort of charm - J. Jonah Jameson comes off as more likeable by comparison, especially when we get to hear about Jonah's (sniff!) abusive childhood. If Zimmerman should be paying attention to any character in this book, it's Spidey, not Jonah. It also completely strains credulity to hear Peter going on about how he'd never get a bid because everybody hates him - and it strains it even further when lo and behold he doesn't get a single bid! Does Zimmerman truly think that the most controversial vigilante in all of New York wouldn't garner a single dime? Even in the Marvel Universe, there's an allure to Spider-Man that even his greatest critics can't deny. Why on Earth would Jameson want Spidey for this auction in the first place if he thought he'd get no bids? And don't even get me started on the lack of credibility in the scene in which Spidey and the Thing discuss the merits of Bob Saget as a comedian. ("Totally underrated," Ben opines.) Honestly, is there a single ass in the celebrity community Zimmerman doesn't want to kiss?

And you can forget about narrative restraint - at one point, the script becomes so wordy and unwieldy with what Zimmerman thinks is immortally funny dialogue between Spidey and Jonah that the artists have to size down the panels just to fit it all in. Believe me, there's nothing in this script worth going to small print in order to keep. And just so that we remember that we're no longer under the Comics Code Authority, Zimmerman plops in a couple of fart and diarrhea jokes. Boy, that's funny stuff there. Nice.

By the time the Scorpion shows up - but not until after we've gotten to watch Spidey doing his business in the bushes (I kid you not) - you probably won't care about how the inevitable fight plays itself out. Nor should you. There are loads of far more talented writers out there who can handle Spider-Man without having to resort to fart jokes and toilet humor, fawning at celebrities, or making Spider-Man as detestable as J. Jonah Jameson seems to think he is. The madness must stop.

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