A Suck-Proof Christmas

By: Andrew Hershberger
Date: Tuesday, December 24, 2002

You don't have to be a Grinch to hate Christmas, merely a cable subscriber. For this is the time of year that the various stations bombard our humble houses with innocuous programming. Seeking refuge from seasonal programming hell, one might find himself at the local Video Supreme looking for something a little less saccharine. Sure, there are lots of holiday specials one could go on about, but for the purposes of this article we will focus on Christmas films. Why? Well... uh... hey, look over there!

With so many Christmas films, what should you get? Well, Cinescape is here to help! We've put together a list of 10 Christmas films that don't suck; in fact, it's also the top ten Christmas films of all time list. Two birds with one stone - pretty clever, huh? So get your credit card ready, print up this list, log on to Amazon.com or visit your local rental outlet - and get into the Christmas spirit!

10) SANTA CLAUS

CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (Nicholas Webster, 1964)

Considered by many to be the most unappealing Santa Claus movie in existence, Cinescape takes a different view. The plot features those wacky Martians kidnapping a couple of earth children in order to locate Santa, whom they also kidnap. As they attempt to bring Santa back to their planet the Martian community becomes divided on the issue and certain persons actually attempt violence to stop this introduction of an alien species. Ahead of its time in its frank discussion, through analogy, of the way a virus spreads, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS is the sort of complex examination of science that only J.D. Salinger's smart kids would understand. But since they're always jumping into swimming pools with no water, screw them. With a young Pia Zadora in greenface, ugly sets, a scene in which a Martian actually attempts to blow Santa Claus and two earth children out of an airlock, and the most obnoxiously infectious Christmas song, "Hooray for Santa Claus," this is essential viewing. This masterpiece is only available on VHS - hopefully this injustice will soon be corrected. (Note: This film is the real reason John Hinckley Jr. shot Ronald Reagan. His declaration that he did it because of an insane love of Jodie Foster was an 11th hour concoction to cover up the fact that he wasn't sure if the film was called SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS or SANTA CLAUS VS. THE MARTIAN, and he didn't want to look like a fool.)

9) THE NIGHTMARE

BEFORE CHRISTMAS (Henry Selick, 1993)

A film that comes across as a full length Rankin & Bass special with dead Goths (and, oddly, ones that like Oingo Boingo). Jack Skellington, head of Halloween town, becomes interested in celebrating Christmas, but the ghouls and such that inhabit his sleepy hollow really don't have the knack! Solution? Why not crib an idea from the Martians in SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS and kidnap the fat bastard. Lots of songs, plenty of black humor lite and the fact that this might be too ghoulish for kids - though personally I found nothing in this movie as terrifying as the Abominable Snowman castration scene in Rankin & Bass' RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER - make this a questionable choice for today's rugrats, but hey, kids suck. Available on DVD in a wonderful Special Edition from Touchstone with a plethora of extras that will have fans singing with joy (hopefully, not songs from this film). (Note: John Wayne Gacy would have dressed up as Jack Skellington, had he not been in prison... one might speculate.)

8) SCROOGED (Richard Donner, [IMG10R]1988)

Bill Murray plays Francis Xavier Cross in this update of the Charles Dickens classic, A CHRISTMAS CAROL. As a ruthless corporate executive with nothing in the area of compassion, he gets his Christmas comeuppance in the form of three Christmas ghosts. It's a surpassingly funny update that has dated a bit since its release but many of the jokes remain timeless; the ending is ruined by a big, stupid sing-a-long; possibly Bobcat Goldthwait's finest hour on film. Features a lot of grisly effects and a Ghost of Christmas Future that has a stomach that looks like a bunch of cheap latex masks. Available on DVD from Paramount in a barebones package. (Note: Not to be confused with the Albert Finney musical disaster SCROOGE with its Oscar nominated song "Thank You Very Much," to which the inevitable reply is "thank you very not.")

7) SANTA CLAUS:

THE MOVIE (Jeannot Szwarc, 1985)

While many people think of this as the nadir of Santa Claus movies, we at Cinescape know better. Santa Claus is that rare film that exposes the commercialization of the holiday, something no other Christmas movie has ever done, and shows it to be, well, bad. It also exposes Santa Claus for what he really is, a member of the living dead, ghoulishly haunting kids once a year, leaving his own twisted type of ectoplasm - that is toys - in their houses. John Lithgow appears as B.Z., a megalomaniacal jerk who needs a good Christmas killing. Actually, now that I think about it, this movie is a piece of crap - it doesn't suck, it blows - but isn't that what Christmas is all about, spreading the hate? Available letterboxed on DVD from Anchor Bay, who should have known better, SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE can be used to punish children regardless of the season. (Note: This is the movie that made Robert Oppenheimer change his mind about creating nuclear weapons.)

6) BLACK CHRISTMAS (Bob Clark,

1974)

A film that let's you know it's never a good idea to stick around the dormitory during Christmas break. Featuring actors on their way down, Keir Dullea & Olivia Hussey; an actress on her way up, Margot Kidder; and an actor who always seems to be in the same spot, John Saxon, BLACK CHRISTMAS is an above average slasher film that has suffered in recent years because so many of its ideas have been appropriated and enhanced (a.k.a. killer who likes to make prank calls, non-killer weird guy suddenly acting weirder, John Saxon, etc.). The story is that a psycho has managed to get himself into the attic of a girls' dormitory during Christmas break and starts killing the residents. A few subplots pop up here and there, but only to act as red herrings and such. This is director Bob Clark at his second Christmas best (look down the list for his first). This movie is also known as SILENT NIGHT, EVIL NIGHT, STRANGER IN THE HOUSE and on the tape I just planted in my nephew's room, MR. WUGGLES' CANDYLAND CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR. Available on DVD from MVD in a 25th anniversary package. (Note: This is the perfect film to rent for your children when you leave them alone for the first time at Christmas, or any other time for that matter.)

5) TALES FROM [IMG11R]THE CRYPT (Freddie Francis, 1972)

Five EC tales are presented in this Amicus anthology minor classic, but only one is of to concern us: "All Through the House," starring Joan Collins in full bitch mode. The old lady offs the old man and is all set to get her groove on when a psycho Santa decides to pay her a little visit. (Well, not so much decides, it's just fortuitous circumstance that lands him at her door.) Naturally there is much unpleasantness to be had and children everywhere will be pissing themselves to sleep after watching this. What better recommendation could you ask for? Sadly, this movie is not available on DVD, but it is available on something called VHS, whatever that might be. (Note: This is the movie that alerted me to the fact that my aunt and uncle were jerks. They still laugh at my pain.)

4) DON'T OPEN 'TIL

CHRISTMAS (Edmund Purdom, 1984)

Sing to "Here Comes Santa Claus": "Here comes Santa Claus/Here comes Santa Claus/To an early grave/Psycho's a stalking/Santas he's chopping/Blowing out their brains/Children cringing/Parents yelling/Movie is really a fright/Therapy for hundreds of years/Cause Santa Claus dies tonight." What can you say about a movie in which a psycho goes on a Santa killing spree, particularly when things get so black as to include a Santa castration scene? How about the fourth greatest Christmas film ever?! A masterpiece, if for nothing else then the depths it will sink to provoke a response on a visceral level. Makes a great gift for that jerk who keeps giving your family fruit cake every year. Not available on DVD or VHS, but someday soon that will change. Best keep your eye on the bootleg market for this gem. (Note: Nominated for over 22 Academy Awards... in the director's mind.)

3) THE SHOP

AROUND THE CORNER (Ernst Lubitsch, 1940)

Not so much a Christmas story as a story that takes place at Christmas. Two lonely hearts working at the same shop hate each other to their faces, but love each other in the letters they write - unbeknownst to them - to each other. Ernst Lubitsch's classic stars the ever reliable Jimmy Stewart and Margaret Sullavan. Remade later as YOU'VE GOT MAIL, the forgettable Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan team up that made JOE AND THE VOLCANO look inspired. Strictly speaking, not genre but even we need a break from sci-fi and horror sometimes. And besides, it's basically a fantasy film. (Note: Takes place in Budapest/I hate Christopher Guest... see I'm a poet.)

2) A CHRISTMAS STORY (Bob Clark, 1983)

Seriously folks, this is one of the finest Christmas movies ever made, practically perfect from start

to finish as it relays one particularly memorable Christmas in the life of Ralphie Parker. Based on the writing of humorist Jean Shepherd and directed by Bob Clark, of BLACK CHRISTMAS fame, this is a movie that will raise spirits year after year. Sure, Mr. Clark could have thrown in a castration scene to stir things up, but he didn't. Nor are there any eyes being gouged out or throats being torn up by vicious seeing eye dogs. Sadly, at no point in this movie does a group of tarantulas rip a man's mouth to shreds. But Ralphie does almost shoot his eye out with a Red Ryder BB gun, and that's something! Released on DVD by Warner Brothers in a full frame no frills package. (Note: There is a sequel, IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY, that pales in comparison.)

1) IT'S A

WONDERFUL LIFE (Frank Capra, 1946)

Yeah, it's kind of a cliché to list this as the least sucky of all Christmas films, but what the hell, it's earned this spot. As George Bailey goes through the suckiest of Christmases - but, one assumes, not as sucky as that of the department store Santas in DON'T OPEN 'TIL CHRISTMAS - the angels up in heaven get together and show him his true value to the community. Actually, a simpleton, wing-less angel comes up with that idea. Sure, George Bailey as a character may be a 1940s equivalent to Jesus, but when played by actor Jimmy Stewart, one really doesn't care. Filled with brilliant moments from start to finish, never afraid to show the dark side of life, and including a happy ending that you've got to pay for, this is American filmmaking at its finest, and Capra's never been better. A nice print is available on DVD from Republic with a few little extras. (Note: If a certain Chapman had enjoyed this rather than CATCHER IN THE RYE, we'd have one less dead John Lennon, and ten more crappy Yoko Ono albums.)