T'Pol gets a new costume for the third season of ENTERPRISE.
© Paramount Pictures

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Summer's Gone

Based on Actual Television Shows

Greetings Cinescapers! Looks like summer has finally come to a crashing end. I have to tell you that since I have a day job, I never once got to enjoy the 3 month reprieve that some of you little buggers and/or filthy rich persons did. There is a lot of resentment because of this and I don't feel much like talking to you. Yeah you, with your 3 months off!

You know what I did for the last 3 months?! I worked in a Siberian Gulag cleaning the ice off toilets! You, you basked in the sun, ate mangos, played with your friends and were just the cat's meow!

Well, I will say good day to you!

Good day!

Uh... did you go?

Oh, thank god you stayed - I'm so lonely up here! Please read my column and send me letters at TVWasteland@cinescape.com. Tell me what the sun is like and what it's like to cry without your tears freezing your eyes.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 8

THE FAIRLY ODDPARENTS  (8 pm, NIK) Wanda and Cosmo create a video game that Timmy can go into. Once in, Timmy is eaten by Pac-man. (Repeat)

THE WACKIEST SHIP IN THE ARMY (8 pm, TCM) During World War II a ship full of zany characters goes on a Spy Mission. Due to their insane antics their ship is promptly sunk and their hysterical bodies are eaten by sharks.

LEAVE IT TO BEAVER  (8 pm, DISN) Another '50s sitcom gets the motion picture treatment.

CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) When federal agents compromise Horatio's case, he starts knocking things over. Grrrrr (Repeat)

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9

CHARADE  (8 pm, AMC) Audrey Hepburn is stalked by men looking for loot, Cary Grant comes to her rescue. Directed by

Tom Welling as Clark Kent, Kristin Kruek as Lana Lang, and Michael Rosenbaum as Lex Luthor in SMALLVILLE

© The WB

SMALLVILLE (9 pm, WB) Clark gets the super beaten out of him when he tries to prevent a robbery of a truck carrying Kryptonite. (Repeat)

MI-5 (9 pm, A&E) Somebody's suspected of training suicide bombers. Society's blamed.

SOUTH PARK (9:30 pm, COM) A fireworks ban in South Park results in the creation of a giant snake whose uncontrollable ashen body kills millions. (Repeat)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) Yes, it's season premiere time, and as the crew hunts down a force that is out to destroy mankind, us viewers will seek out a bag of popcorn and a comfy chair in which to indulge in

Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg, Alexis Denisof as Wesley Wyndam-Pryce in the "Orpheus" episode of ANGEL.

© 2003 The WB

JAKE 2.0 (9 pm, UPN) Series premiere! A computer technician is infected by nanites, causing him to have superhuman powers and ponder the nature of his existence. Is he a man with nanites in his blood or is he nanites in the form of a man?

SMALLVILLE (8 pm, WB) Ghost starts visiting Lana, because even the undead find her too cute not to make a play on. (Repeat)

ANGEL (9 pm, WB) Willow is called upon to restore Angel's soul. (Repeat)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

THE FLINSTONES IN VIVA ROCK VEGAS (7 pm, SCI-FI) The epitome of the science fiction film.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (8 pm, CBS) 1) When a car salesman has a heart attack everybody cheers. A human eyeball is found in a bird's nest, it eventually hatches into a flying eyeball. 2) One of the team goes down in a bank robbery, that is they die. (Repeats)

MY FAIR LADY (8 pm, AMC) Guys! Tell women you like this film and you will score serious points!

WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) During a hostage situation Samantha gets shot. (Repeat)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 12

TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCI-FI) An old foe reacquaints itself with Perfection. (Repeat)

STARGATE SG-1  (9 pm, SCI-FI) Leave it to that wacky Anubis to threaten to enslave Jonas's people and destroy their planet. (Repeat)

SPIDER-MAN (10 pm, MTV) 1) Spider-Man's brain is washed. 2) Some honor-obsessed warrior exchanges blows with Spider-Man. (Repeats)

DEAD LIKE ME (10 pm, SHOW) It's a late night for the reapers.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 13

TEEN TITANS (9 pm, TOON) Beast Boy needs affirmation.

SOUTH PARK (10 pm, COM) The show exposes the dangerous side effects of holding your farts in.

SEX IN THE CITY (10 pm, HBO) Carrie's emotions go on the fritz after a visit from Mr. Big.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK (7 pm, FOX) Dinosaurs kill people, but the majority of them are bad

T'Pol gets a new costume for the third season of ENTERPRISE.

© Paramount Pictures

MY LIFE AS A TEENAGE ROBOT (7 pm, NIK) Hey everybody, it's my life story.

WITHOUT A TRACE (8 pm, CBS) A pregnant woman disappears with, get this, out a trace. (Repeat)

Well, looks like another week is done so I'll just chalk a line here on the wall of my prison cell. Let me give a warning to all of you, pirated cable may appear free at first but you'll pay in the back end!

Want to keep a prisoner warm, in a comfortable fear-free way that is? Well, drop a line or a pack of cigarettes to Tvwasteland@Cinescape.com.

Next week, I'll show you all the weapons you can make out of a metal spoon.

TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.