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Superhero Santas!

Comicscape: Superhero Santas
© Mania

‘Tis the season and all that jazz. Family and friends gathered around a fireplace, singing carols, sipping hot chocolate (or something stronger) and most importantly, exchanging presents. We’re not fooled by all this goodwill and cheer; we know exactly what the season is all about. Sometimes, the only way to make it through the bitter cold of winter is through the joy of new toys. And it’s just as much fun to give as it is to receive! But we also know that for every G.I. Joe aircraft carrier or Amazon gift certificate, you’re bound to get underwear, socks and ties. So today’s Comicscape takes a look at some of the best and worst gifts that have been given in the world of superheroes and villains.

Jolly Jonah’s Holiday Spirit

J. Jonah Jameson was definitely a giver. Just ask Mac Gargan. Jameson first employed Gargan as a private investigator to find out how Peter Parker obtained such amazing shots of Spider-Man. When that failed, Jameson convinced Gargan to take part in an untested experiment that would give Gargan scorpion-like abilities. The only downfall was that Gargan was bonded to the scorpion armor that gave him his abilities. Or he was dependant on it… something like that. We’ve never fully understood that part, but the the main thing to remember here is that Mac Gargan was seriously #&*$-ed when he got that suit. The poor guy went insane!

Plus, Jameson was only giving him that gift for selfish reasons, which is the absolute worst reason to give a gift. It’s like giving your mom a copy of Watchmen because you haven’t read it yet, only a whole lot crazier. JJJ’s gift winds up buried in the back corner of your closet along with that Pet Rock and those latch hook rugs your grandma’s been giving you for years.

Put a Ring on It

Getting a ring from the Guardians is sort of like getting a puppy. It’s a lot of responsibility and a lot of hard work, but damn if it isn’t the coolest present in the whole wide world! And the upside of a ring is that it doesn’t pee all over the floor or chew on your shoes. Sure, your girlfriend might end up mangled and stuffed into a refrigerator; but on the other hand, she just might become a Star Sapphire and those costumes are HOT. We’ll take our chances and gladly accept a gift that allows us to construct hard-light objects like giant green baseball mitts, giant green boxing gloves and giant green mousetraps.

Celebratory Symbiotics

Spider-Man is a jerk, there’s nothing more to it. While regifting seems like a practical idea, it’s just not cool – especially when the gift in question is an evil symbiote. Sure, the symbiote grants the wearer additional strength and healing as well as empathic abilities, but it’s sort of like kicking a heroin addiction and giving it to your buddy for Christmas. Wow… this is really fun. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

And regifting a gift that was already regifted to you by giving it to a homicial maniac in the form of Cletus Kasaday? That’s just unforgivable and completely contrary to the Holiday Spirit. Eddie Brock is a jerk too.

Seasonal Sidekickery

How cool would it be to take the oath in the candlelit darkness of the Batcave? To solemnly swear to uphold truth and justice and to fight side-by-side with one of the all-time coolest superheroes ever? To be granted your own costume and - well, this is pretty much where it all goes sour. As awesome as it might be to fight crime with Batman, there is absolutely nothing cool about that costume. Back in the 1940’s, when men were men, it was fashionable for superheroes to fight crime with exposed gams. But by the time the 1980’s rolled around… not so much. Actually, that costume looked ridiculous by the time the 1950’s rolled around, but who’s counting?

To cut to the chase, the best gift Bruce Wayne ever gave to a sidekick was when Tim Drake got a new costume. It had a cool black cape, a stylish R logo and pants. PANTS! In the style of the day, it was also equipped with every manner of pocket and belt, allowing Tim to stash Batarangs, energy bars and maybe a pack of smokes for when Batman was out of the cave. By today’s standards, Tim’s original costume is a little corny and definitely screams 1990’s, but it was a gift not only to a new Robin but to embarrased comic fans worldwide.

Asgardian Alms

Despite his stern exterior, the All-Father is another generous fellow, especially when it comes to magic spells and weaponry. His son Thor wasn’t the only guy to receive an enchanted uru hammer; Thunderstrike and Beta Rey Bill got ‘em too, effectively making a magic hammer the Asgardian equivalent of Soap on a Rope. Sure, it was really funny the first year, but when you and everyone else in your family got the same gift for 5 years running? The luster wears off. Hey, don’t know what to get the new son-in-law? Strapped for ideas this year? Just give ‘em a hammer. Everybody loves hammers, right? They’re totally functional and multi-purpose: you can build a house, tear it down and wash away the debris with a cool summer rain. And it makes getting ready for work in the morning a lot easier as well. Just tap the handle on the ground.

So even though he shows a lack of imagination, we’re still putting Odin’s gifts on the good list.

Holiday Traditions

Giving gifts has long been a tradition in both the DC and Marvel Universes and we don’t think it’s likely to stop any time soon. We also think that this is the perfect time of year to learn a lesson from our favorite heroes and villains and spread some of that holiday cheer around. Whether it be a magical ring or an enormous dose of radiation, make sure you remember your family and friends this year.