Surviving the Dry Spell: June Edition

By: David Michael Wharton
Date: Monday, June 06, 2005

I don't know about where you are, but here in Texas, it's hot. We've barely even cracked into June, and already we're veering dangerously close to triple-digits. It hits 90 before noon. And it's only going to get worse, what with the global warming and the melting icecaps and the UFOs seeding our atmosphere with chemtrails in order to engineer the climate for their impending invasion. And to top it off, all the great shows that have won our loyalty over the past nine months are now gone, abandoning us just when we need them most.

But fear not! There are a few oases in the summer-TV desert, offering cool, refreshing, if somewhat sandy, water to distract us from the fact that the cat fell asleep on the hood of the car and just burst into flames in the midday sun. USA's X-FILES-meets-RISING STARS SF drama THE 4400 made its second-season return last night, and while the networks may be barren, there's plenty of goodness lurking on the cable nets. Follow me, weary traveler, and I'll be your guide through what to look forward to during June.

Do you like dead people? Try SIX FEET UNDER.

Which premieres this very week. This is the fifth and final season of HBO's dark take on how the family that embalms together stays together. Or maybe, the family that cremates together recreates together. No? The family that buries together eats dairy together? Anyway, here it is. If, like me, you missed the Hearse when it was leaving the funeral home and are now four seasons behind, well, there's always Netflix. And really, how much could you have missed? Family runs a funeral home, assorted alternately amusing and depressing things happen, rinse and repeat. And one of the co-anchors from SPORTS NIGHT co-stars. Also, people die in various creative ways. What better way to enjoy the summer than to remind yourself of your inevitable mortality on a weekly basis? Fun for the whole family!


Still bitter about the losses of FIREFLY and WONDERFALLS? Try THE INSIDE.

It's always interesting to watch the diaspora whenever a long-running favorite show finally ends. In the 1990s, when I first started paying attention to things such as writing credits, I came to know many of the writers of my favorite shows by name. From THE X-FILES alone I was introduced to names such as Darin and Glen Morgan, James Wong, David Greenwalt, Frank Spotnitz, Howard Gordon, Jeffrey Bell, John Shiban, Vince Gilligan…and a fellow by name of Tim Minear. I've followed many of these writers as they bounced around from the Carter-verse to the Whedon-verse to the Abrams-verse and elsewhere. Tim Minear has had hard luck with the last few shows he's run (thanks again, FOX), but I'm hoping that this dark little procedural will be the one that finally sticks. Minear completely retooled the show's original 21 JUMP STREET-esque premise, and he's certainly got no shortage of talent backing him (not to mention his own mad skillz, of course). The writing staff includes such shiny happy people as TICK creator Ben Edlund, Jane Espenson, David Fury, Howard Gordon, and MIRACLES' Richard Hatem. The pilot is supposedly outstanding, and since FOX seems to have recently acquired a clue, what with the ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT renewal, hopefully they'll give this dark little show about delving the minds of the depraved a chance.

Got a thing for men with canes? Try THE DEAD ZONE.

Johnny Smith begins his fourth season on June 12, and since I'm a few seasons behind on this one, I have to wonder if he's gotten around to shooting Young Indiana Jones yet? (YOUNG INDY star Sean Patrick Flannery plays the forebodingly destined Gregg Stillson.) It will be pairing with USA's other surprise hit, THE 4400, which should make for a great night of genre television. It'll also make for a perfect example of what former TREK writing talent is capable of when freed from the franchise's creative tethers: both DEAD ZONE's Michael Piller and 4400's Ira Steven Behr are TREK vets. Hmm, "TREK veterans: where are they now?" I think there may be a column in there…

Fan of dysfunctional firefighters? Try RESCUE ME.

Last year's hit from FX (otherwise known as "the new HBO"), this spiritual sequel to Dennis Leary's short-lived THE JOB follows the lives and troubles of those folks who run up the burning staircase when the rest of us are running down it. It's funny, it's raw, and it's much more honest a portrayal than a lot of the media attempting to cash in on post-9/11 sentiment, thanks in part to the fact that Dennis Leary seems to have a real passion for the men and women who make saving lives their profession. With the exception of the sorely missed (at least by me) LUCKY, FX is batting 1,000 with THE SHIELD, NIP/TUCK, and this, and Steven Bochco's upcoming Iraq War drama OVER THERE looks to maintain the trend when it premieres in July.

Do you believe that all roads lead to Rome? Try EMPIRE.

Getting the jump on HBO's ROME by a few months, ABC's eight-part miniseries launches June 28 and follows events in the aftermath of Julius Caesar's assassination. Expect lots of swordplay, political maneuvering, and backstabbing (both literal and metaphorical). However, despite airing first, I still think HBO may have the edge -- after all, what fun is Rome without it's more "hedonistic" aspects?


The Week Rerun

They could always have her abducted; it worked for X-FILES - Sydney Bristow has faced down double agents, ancient prophecies, near apocalypses, and the occasional murderous doppleganger. But now she is facing her most daunting challenge ever: the bun in series star Jennifer Garner's oven. (second story down)

LOST and found and LOST again - Could some clues to LOST's second season be slowly cropping up via the IMDb? Apparently Samuel L. Jackson's entry briefly listed him as playing "Bernard" (most likely the maybe/maybe-not-dead husband of Rose) in the second-season opener, "Genesis". However, the listing has since vanished (although you can still see a user posting about it in the comments section at the bottom). Was this a mistake? Or did the LOST folks call in a favor with the IMDb to avoid spoiling the surprise? One thing that is for certain: SURVIVOR OUTBACK winner Tina Wesson is currently listed as playing none other than daughter-of-Delenn Alex Rousseau in that very same episode…

The beautiful and the profane - Courtesy of the internets, a seven-minute compilation of all the profanity from a single episode of DEADWOOD. Oddly, it's more entertaining than 75% of any given week's TV programming.

Comments, quips, or theories as to whether they'll find a "Bad motherf%$#er" wallet at the bottom of that broken ladder in the Hatch? Drop me a line at tvwasteland@cinescape.com. Keep your head and hands inside the television, folks…


MONDAY, JUNE 6

THE SCHOLAR (7 PM CST, ABC) It's summer, so that means it's time for another batch of on-the-cheap, forgettable reality shows. This one sees a pack of high-school seniors competing for... for... see, I've already forgotten. (Series premiere)

GIA (7 PM CST, Oxygen) Why do I get the feeling that the only parts of Gia I might care to see won't be appearing on Oxygen?

STAYING ALIVE (7 PM CST, AMC) John Travolta crashes in the Andes and is forced to devour an Uruguayan soccer team.

KANGAROO JACK: G'DAY U.S.A. (7:30 PM CST, Cartoon Network) I never thought we would see a less-needed Australian-themed sequel than CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LOS ANGELES. I stand corrected.

THE RING (8 PM CST, ABC) If you ask me, watching this movie on television is just asking for trouble.

SIX FEET UNDER (8 PM CST, HBO) "A Coat of White Primer." Wallow in the misery of characters slightly more depressing than you, as HBO kicks off the fifth season. (Season premiere)


TUESDAY, JUNE 7

LETHAL WEAPON 4 (6:30 PM CST, FX) Riggs and Murtaugh are getting too old for this shit, and I'm getting too old to watch this shit.

THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD (7 PM CST, TCM) James Arness may not be quite as disturbing as John Carpenter's shapeshifting incarnation, but this THING is still a classic.

MAKING OF 'BATMAN BEGINS' (7:15 PM CST, HBO) I see it tonight!

FIRE ME…PLEASE (8 PM CST, CBS) Two contestants take new jobs with the covert goal of seeing who can get fired the closest to a certain deadline. Cancel me, please. (Series premiere)

MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION (8 PM CST, Spike) It's no STREET FIGHTER.

JOHN CARPENTER'S VAMPIRES: LOS MUERTOS (8 PM CST, Sci-Fi) I don't think swapping James Woods and Sheryl Lee for Jon Bon Jovi is anywhere near a fair trade.

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (8 PM CST, TCM) Sadly, this 1956 thriller is newly relevant in this paranoid age.

THE SHIELD (9 PM CST, FX) "Judas Priest." Just when Aceveda seems to finally be moving past the trauma of his assault, his attacker decides to blackmail him. Meanwhile, Vic and crew track down a Russian involved in the cop murders.


WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8

DEBUNKED! SECRETS OF THE STONE SPHERES (7 PM CST, Discovery) I'm a sucker for titles with extraneous exclamation points. This one examines the origins a number of odd stone spheres discovered in Costa Rica in the '30s.

BEAUTY AND THE GEEK (7 PM CST, WB) The gals practice auto repair and the geeks practice back rubs. I think it's clear who's getting the better end of this deal.

KING SOLOMON'S MINES (7 PM CST, TCM) This 1950 version is bound to be better than the one starring Richard Chamberlain.

MYTHBUSTERS (8 PM CST, Discovery) Those magnificent men build some flying machines.

THE INSIDE (8 PM CST, FOX) "The New Girl in Town." After an FBI profiler falls prey to a serial killer, the head of her unit brings in a rookie replacement with a dark past, and no ties whatsoever to Richard Grieco. (Series premiere)

THE REAL GILLIGAN'S ISLAND (8 PM CST, TBS) Angie Everhart and Erika Eleniak play competing Gingers in the second season of this high-concept reality show, notable mostly for this bit of (slightly naughty) advertising. (Season premiere)


THURSDAY, JUNE 9

THE TRANSPORTER (7 PM CST, FX) If UPS or FedEx operated like this guy, packages might arrive even more promptly. They might be riddled with bullet holes, but they'd be early.

MTV MOVIE AWARDS (7:30 PM CST, MTV) Jimmy Fallon hosts. Wackiness ensues. Jessica Alba wears an invisible top.

DUCK SOUP (8:15 PM CST, TCM) The best kind of Marx-ism.

TOUCH OF EVIL (9:30 PM CST, TCM) Because you look like you need an infusion of Orson Welles.

IMPOSTOR (10 PM CST, Sci-Fi) It's a rare occasion when Hollywood gets a Phillip K. Dick adaptation right. This is not one of those occasions.


FRIDAY, JUNE 10

MR. AND MRS. SMITH (7 PM CST, TCM) This one doesn't have Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, but it was directed by Alfred Hitchcock.

INTO THE WEST (7 PM CST, TNT) "Wheel to the Stars." Tonight kicks off this Spielberg-produced, six-part epic miniseries about how the west was won. But will its dialogue be as creatively profane as that of DEADWOOD? I hardly think so. (Series premiere)

FUR ON THE ASPHALT: THE GREG THE BUNNY REUNION SPECIAL (9:30 PM CST, IFC) This short-lived blend of humans and puppets didn't even survive one full season on (where else) FOX, but it's back tonight on IFC. And any excuse for Seth Green, Eugene Levy, and Sarah Silverman to get another paycheck is fine by me.

DARKMAN (10:30 PM CST, AMC) Consider this a practice run for SPIDER-MAN, a decade early.


SATURDAY, JUNE 11

THE BIG SLEEP (7 PM CST, TCM) William Faulkner helped script this adaptation of Raymond Chandler's classic hard-boiled tale, which has got more twists than a pretzel in a spin cycle.

THE BATMAN (7:30 PM CST, Cartoon Network) "Topsy Turvy." Joker escapes from Arkham and adopts his classic purple tux, as opposed to the ridiculous straightjacket get-up he was prancing around in earlier in this series.

JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED (8 PM CST, Cartoon Network) "Clash." Big Red Cheese Alert: Captain Marvel makes his first appearance in DCU Animated continuity. Batman finds him "sunny."

THE EVIL DEAD (10 PM CST, IFC) Sure, it's a classic of the genre, but things didn't get really interesting till Raimi crossbred his inner lunatic with his inner Stooge in part two.


SUNDAY, JUNE 12

FAMILY GUY (8 PM CST, FOX) "The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire." Cleveland catches Loretta in bed with Quagmire. Hence, you know, the title.

ENTOURAGE (8 PM CST, HBO) "The New Car." More conflict involving the "Aquaman" script! Any show that has an ongoing "Aquaman" subplot is clearly worth your valuable time.

AMERICAN DAD (8:30 PM CST, FOX) "Homeland Insecurity." Well, they finally did kill the alien last week. But they brought him back. Still, this show is showing signs of improvement.

THE COMEBACK (8:30 PM CST, HBO) "Valerie Triumphs at the Upfronts." Lisa Kudrow fails to triumph on HBO.

THE 4400 (8 PM CST, USA) "Voices Carry." A telepathic baseball player helps spy on Jordan Collier, and Richard and Lily have more supernatural troubles with the kiddo.

This concludes our broadcast.