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Tales from the Fic!!! Or If I ruled Anime 2: The Sequel
By His Lordship Chaos
Somewhere in this Anime world...a Rose Bride is missing. Rumour has it she took off with Utena to get married in Las Vegas last week, and hasn't been seen since. End of the World is not impressed, because they now have all these postage-ready letters written out but have no one to mail them to.
And yes indeed, that previous paragraph has absolutely nothing to do with this rant. But since when in this philosophic teacup of a column has "coherency" been a word we've paid attention to?
We begin with the picturesque lair of the otaku. Various dojinshi and untranslated mangas were sprawled across the room. A television set that had once been broadcasting an old Mononoke Hime fansub was now displaying static. Fragments of pizza and Chinese takeout were stacked on any free table space, along with various Anime model kits, keychains and art books. The floor was left free to be littered with many an empty bottle of Sake.
Somewhere beneath the SD Escaflowne bedsheets was the groggy form of the resident otaku. It was too early in the morning for him. 3:36pm was too early for any otaku to be mobile. At least not when they had a headache like me.
Moaning something about that was the last time I hang with Kaji and Misato for their "third-time drinking" party, I let my head peek out from the covers. My brain was swimming worse than the cast of Blue Sub No.#6 (who were scheduled to go on a live Pay-per-View, three-way undersea battle against the ChaCha Maru and Seaquest DSV), and I wasn't ready to face the new day with the hangover I was feeling.
My last memory was that of celebrating my escape from Cup & Saucer. As far as I could tell, somewhere around two in the morning and the fifteenth time singing karaoke with Mink's Omelette song was where the previous night's events got blurry.
Things didn't get any clearer when I looked over and saw the intimidating stature of Bean Bandit sitting next to my bed.
Chaos: [dazed li'l otaku] "Did I miss something? When did I become an OVA series?"
Bean Bandit: "Don't look at me. You just hired me to play bodyguard for you, so don't go dragging me into your little Brain Powerd mindgames."
Chaos: "I what?"
Bean Bandit: "You're sober, so I'll humour you. About a week ago, you took over the Anime universe and everyone in it. Congratulations, kid; you're the new evil overlord."
Chaos: [shaking his head] "Okay, I must be in one of those Totally Hidden Facevault shows. You...you're telling me I conquered the Aniverse?"
Bean Bandit: "It's not like it was that hard. You just made sure you didn't follow the usual clichés of the Anime megalomaniac."
Bean Bandit: "You didn't bother sending in any hapless youma underlings for your first strike. Instead, you sent in the Nadesico and it's transpositional cannon. Not to mention you conquered every place other than Tokyo, and left that city for last. They never stood a chance-- especially after you had that line-up of Mass Production EVAs do their big Riverdance production on Tokyo-2."
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Oooookaaaaaay."
Bean Bandit: "And there was your stirring 'Give me your stupid magical girls or I'll get Largo to blow your freakin' keisters up with a Satellite Strike!' speech."
Chaos: "Um...did I really say that?"
Bean Bandit: "No, but this rant is rated G."
Chaos: [nodding] "Ah."
Bean Bandit: "You strategy was quite ingenious, really. Once every last magical girl known to Anime showed up and did some bizarre Broadway number in the name of love and justice, you got down on your knees, told them you had learned your lesson about the perils of evil, and promised that you'd reform your wicked ways if they would only give you some time."
Chaos: --;; "And they bought that?"
Bean Bandit: "Yep. They let a rousing cheer go, turned their backs to you, and you encased half of them in the liquid Bakelite you had shipped from Central Dogma."
Chaos: "But what about the other magical girls?"
Bean Bandit: "Oh, they went down just as quickly. You simply did what no other magical villain has ever done: attack them during their two minute-long transformation sequence."
Chaos: [lament!] "And I can't even remember that."
Bean Bandit: "Don't worry. We got it on videotape."
Chaos: ^-^ "I like, I like!"
It was around then that I noticed two things. First of all, one of the Tokyo Tower's observation decks had been rebuilt into my plush penthouse bedroom. And second...I must have consumed waaaay too much Sake if I was still dressed in Babbit pyjamas.
As far as Bean Bandit could decipher it from fragments of my evil Anime overlordish rantings, my otaku girlfriend (yes, apparently such aphenomenon can occur so there's hope for all of us!) had broken up with me, saying how at first she thought I was cool as Spike Spiegel, but now I was nothing more than a pathetic Ataru Moroboshi.
That hurt. Especially when it appeared I was the last guy to learn that I had a girlfriend. Of course, I almost had a psychic girlfriend once...but Hinoto dumped me before I met her.
Chaos: [???] "So why am I here, anyways?"
Bean Bandit: "You mean the Tokyo Tower? Well, it's always been the centre of the universe in Anime, so you figured that as an avatar, that should mean you get to live in it."
Chaos: o.O;; "I live here now?"
Bean Bandit: [nodding] "You kicked Nehelenia and Galaxia's butts, and are currently having a passionate love affair with Mistress Nine too. I figured you might want to know that, since you're scheduled to blow up Antarctica with her tonight."
Chaos: "What about the Knight Sabres? Didn't they try to stop me?"
Bean Bandit: "Actually, they're your office assistants now."
Chaos: ^-^ [V-sign] "Hotcha!"
Apparently getting in touch with my Inner Avatar was easier than dialling up the goddess technical hotline. But things were not all bad in the new Tokyo I had refashioned as any evil Anime megalomaniac would. Children's programming was at an all-time high now that I had created such beloved and family fun shows as EVAtubbies and Sesame Street Fighters.
Bean Bandit also brought me up to speed on such important appointments as me meeting with the Slayers cast to negotiate a truce between my empire and Lina Inverse's Giga Slave. Apparently if that didn't work, I'd be forced to let my resident mad scientist, Diol (boy, I REALLY must have been drunk when I hired him), unleash his latest creation: the Chibi-Naga clones!
The thought of an army of chibified Nagas with itty bitty Gainax bounces and an eternal, high-pitched echo of their combined cackling was more than enough to sober me up.
On the plus side, my official pet was an official Nekojin! Outlaw Star's resident Ctarl-Ctarl, Aisha Clanclan, was sitting on the foot of my bed giving herself a bath. She was really cute too...right until she spotted Gan-chan the mouse hanging around with mini-goddesses Urd & Skuld. Feline instinct kicked in, and Gan-chan was subsequently forced to escape certain death by valiantly letting Chibi-Skuld catapult him out the window.
Well... actually through the window first, and then outside. And I don't Chibi-Skuld packed a parachute with him.
Gan-chan: [going down!] "WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEE?!"
Chibi-Urd: [leaning out the broken window] "Daijobu, Gan-chan! Just remember to tuck and roll when you hit the asphalt!"
Gan-chan: o.O "WHAT?!"
Somehow my trusty techies had also managed to turn my favourite mobile suit, the Deathscythe Hell Custom, into a stretched limousine. I didn't ask, fearing a really gaudy Giant Robo transformation if I wanted to go from leisure ride to Gundam combat mode.
There was also something Bean Bandit mentioned about me having taken over SEELE by revealing to them their true reason for starting the Human Instrumentality Project: I told them how they get the caramel into a Caramilk bar.
Lain was now my personal secretary, and whenever an annoying character showed up to either agitate me or start a revolt (i.e., Goku or the Clamp Campus Detectives), she'd simply delete them from existence. Or the Wired. Or whatever twisted pseudo-reality she was residing in.
Bean Bandit: "The good news, though, is that you solved this city's Pokemon pest control problem."
Chaos: "How'd I do that?"
Chocolate Misu: [from in the kitchen] "Tasuki flambéed them all with his halissen!"
Tasuki: [rotating a Pikachu on a spit] "These guys taste just like Bugrom...who in turn taste like chicken."
Tira Misu: "So what does chicken taste like?"
Tamagoyaki: ^-^ "Totoro."
Chaos: "Just what are you doing here?"
Tamagoyaki: "What? You'd think we'd feature uberkawaii Anime mascots and NOT have me around to shave them bald?"
Chaos: [shaking his head] "Obedience school just isn't working out for you, is it?"
Just then, Bean Bandit consulted his wristwatch, and informed me that my fair masseuse was here for my afternoon massage session. But then he also added one more ominous line: my usual masseuse, Toilet Hanako, had to cancel on account of some big ghostly emergency at Saito High (and some incoherent thing about "Welcome!" too), so I was getting a replacement. The only question was: who was the substitute?
Nurse Minako: ^-^ "Ohayo, Chaos!"
Chaos: o.O [erk!] "You've got to be kidding me."
Nurse Minako: "Now this is my first time using acupuncture needles on a real patient, but I only impaled six out of the seven training dummies I used. Just lie down on your stomach, relax, and let Nurse Minako take you away."
Chaos: --;; "Yes, to another dimension we call 'the Afterlife'!"
Nurse Minako: [eyebrow twitch!] "Are you questioning my medical expertise?"
Bean Bandit: [sigh!] "Now you've done it. I'll wait outside, so I don't have to hear you screaming."
Chaos: [looking around] "What? What's going on?"
[Cue Nurse Minako ripping off her hospital uniform to reveal underneath...a leather dominatrix outfit!]
Red Queen Nurse Minako: "Well then, Chaos, it looks like I'll have to punish you first before I can let my acupuncture needles make you feel better."
Chaos: o.O [panicky li'l otaku] "Who am I here? Carrot Glaces?!"
At this point, I would have felt safer if Omi from the Weib crew was using his assassin darts on me. But there was no escaping from Red Queen Nurse Minako, and Aisha was busy in the corner chasing her tail.
And then suddenly--!
Tamagoyaki: >) [pouncing on Chaos' face] "Wake up call!"
Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Tamagoyaki: [looking up at the Chaos-shaped hole in the ceiling] "Oooh, Ithink he cleared the twenty-second floor this time."
Chaos: --;; "What did you have to do that for, you rodent? I was havingthe most beautiful dream, where I was the evil overlord of Anime."
Tamagoyaki: [dousing Chaos in cold water] "No time to reminisce, buddy. Get your freshwater bath ready, because you just got dropped into Jusenkyo's cursed Spring of Drowned PenPen."
PenPen-Chaos: o.O [flapping his wings] "WAAAAAAAAAAKKK!!!!"