Okay....I copied and pasted this so if it looks unprofessional sorry....but I am not going to re-write this. Enjoy. I sure didn't.
Superman 2.5 and 1/2
Okay, I wrote this the night I watched Superman Returns (did they have
to steal the title from Batman Returns?)
From the very beginning, almost 2 years ago, I said this movie would be
horrible. I am not one to judge a movie before I see it…but something
about this movie rubbed me the wrong way. Just hear me out.
I had very low expectations for it. Here are a few reasons why. First,
the Suit…BURGUNDY (as Lex says in the movie..WRONG!). Superman Leaves
for 5 years to visit krypton, even though his dad told him it was destroyed riiiiight. Who is the the Villain? Lex Luthor...AGAIN, he has been the main villian in four out of the five movies....GEEZ! Kate Bosworth
as Lois Lane....nuff said. The Five year old kid. That is the kicker for me.
Superman's Kid. I told EVERYONE that the kid Lois has....is SUPERMAN'S
kid. NOooooo everyone said. That wouldn't make sense. The Kid is
adopted. Or She is helping her boyfriend raise the kid. WHAT? Come on.
5 year old kid...5 years Superman is gone. DO THE MATH.
Lois Lane- Kate BosUNworthy...I am sad to say that this woman, in no
way radiated Lois Lane. She was weak. Bored, even disconnected.
Watching this version was sickening to my stomach. Lois Lane is
supposed to be Beautiful, (Margot Kidder is not hot stuff...but she
played her well. She made Lois Lane radiate beauty...even though Margot
wasn't.)Smart, Persuasive, A Good liar (Richard: Do you love Superman?
Lois: (unconvincingly, timid)no.)Lets replace Kate. IF there is a
sequel. And there should not be.
Lex Luthor- WOW! Am I tired of this Villain? So now we have seen Lex in
FOUR out of the five Superman movies. WHAT ORIGINALITY! Kevin
Spacey...Tsk Tsk Tsk. So Kevin Spacey says in an interview, that he
deviated form playing the Gene Hackman character. Yet, we see climpses
of this character throughout the movie. Then Kevin Spacey looks tired.
He wasn't dark, he wasn't enchanting and he was most definitely not
scary or sadistic. He played Lex to bland. Lets get another villain, IF
there is another movie. Lex is, excuse my urban lingo, PLAYED OUT!
Superman- I was not happy in the slightest when Brandon Routh was cast
as Superman. I was downright MAD. However. The glimmer of hope in this
movie was Brandon. He did an EXCELLENT job of playing superman. I
cannot praise this guy enough. He blew my doubts (unlike Bryan Singer)
out of the water. I suspect Singer didn't have a lot to do with Brandon
being cast. Since Routh was connected to the project when McG was
attached as director. Brandon. GREAT JOB.
Richard White- So they cast Cyclops in the role where he is thrown in
the middle of people who have obvious feelings for each other.
Gee...this sounds nothing like X-MEN, where he was pit between Jean
Grey and Wolverine. Wow, Singer. SO ORIGINAL! That is all I can say on
Perry White- What can I say about this guy? BORING. That is what. This
is an Editor In Chief of a busy newspaper? Not good casting...nor good
Jimmy Olsen- Sam Huntington was an excellent choice. I do not know how
Jimmy looks YOUNGER than the previous actor who played Jimmy,
(remember...this is a sequel to Superman II) but Sam pulled it off. I
didn't like how he was even more stupid than before, but he gave us
Kitty- Parket Posey was FANTASTIC! I think she is great I really do.
The Story- OH DEAR GOODNESS. This story is horrible. It steals from the
first movie (Lex wanting that ever elusive Real Estate, um...isn't he
rich now? He can buy LOTS of land now!). It is predictable, and the
special effects everyone is raving about...not so special. First, I
LOVED the Opening credits. The REVERSE Title...BRILLIANT. I thought
then and there...this movie was going to be AWESOME...and I would have
to succumb to my bets and negativity. After that, the movie went
downhill. Lex is appealed, because superman missed a hearing? What?
Then he marries a dying widow whom gives her fortune to him? Okay. Lex
is a business man, he is a genius. This is petty for the mighty Lex
Luthor. Then Superman comes back and lands on the farm he grows up on.
He wakes up in his bed, his eyes are BROWN...then he has a flashback on
how he realized he could fly. First off, what was the point of the
flashback? It is so useless, and it offered NOTHING to the story. Then
Clark opens his eyes, we are in the present...and His eyes are blue.
Okay. That made no sense. Flashbacks changes his eye colors...must be a
Kryptonian thing. Then, Superman seamlessly returns to work. No one is
remotely surprised. Then Lois is in trouble...right when he returns.
Then the Return of Superman is born (shocking). Lois is on a plane with
a shuttle attached to the top. Whilst Lex (yeah AGAIN WITH LEX,
ALSO...Why would Superman not check on Lex when he returns? If you put
him away and he escaped before...why not make sure he is in prison? Not
shocked when Jimmy Olsen Tells you Lex is free from prison!) visits
Clark's/Superman's ice home (Fortress of Solitude) and grabs all the
crystal he can get his hands on so he can get...again, real estate. So,
while Lex throws in a small piece of the crystal in a small pond in his
new mansion, Clark is drinking his troubles away because he finds out
Lois has a kid and fiancé...and she wrote the PP award for "Why we
DON'T need Superman. Then, because of Lex of course, power goes out due
Lex's Henchman throwing a small cut of the crystal in the water.
Yeah...power goes out. So, naturally, everything in that vicinity,
power goes out as well. You guessed it. Lois' plane loses power...the
power comes back on...but now the controls have malfunctioned. And the
Shuttle blasts off with the plane attached. Then we see Lois Lane get
out of her seat (Yeah, which is the first thing I would do. HOW
STUPID!) She is tossed around like a rag doll, and is still conscious
(They were going as fast as the speed of sound...she gets tossed around
like a ragdoll hits her head several times and manages to make it to
her seat and then fasten her seat belt...Well she did give birth to a
Superman's baby. She can handle that...right? Lex...help me out?
WRONG!) Oh and it took two minutes for the plane to lose power after
the city lost power...oh and no other plane lost power except that one.
Obviously, only one plane (No other planes or helicopters) flies in
that area. Basically the power knocks out miles of land...but not a
mile or two in the air. What about planes that are landing? Or planes
that are taking off? If the power goes out...there would not be enough
time to reboot everything. Not all planes work the same. And some would
have malfunctioned just like the plane that could not eject the
shuttle. So, then Superman jumps into action. He saves the shuttle then
saves the plane...then lands the plane in a Major League Baseball
Staduim. Now everyone knows Superman is back. Not Campy at all. It was
supposed to be a great moment. Yet, instead of feeling like "YEAH HE IS
BACK!" It was more like, "Cool" LET'S PLAY BALL!" Then Kitty (Lex's
Girl.) Is in a car with the breaks cut. Superman goes to save her. He
lifts the car...then puts it on the ground (which looks really campy,
he is way to feminine when doing this (this was to reference the cover
of Action Comics…look at the cover…not the same…less feminine.). And he
looks like he is struggling...he just got done stopping a Airbus plane
from hitting the stadium with ease...but a Mustang....that is hard.)
Then...Lois is getting ready for a party in her honor, she forgets to
pick up superboy rushes to the school picks him up...then decides to go
on a lead and investigate the power outage and where it originated.
Taking a child is the norm for stuff like that I guess. Of course it
takes her to Lex Luthor's pad. Lois see's the boat (Yacht) takes her
son WITH HER of course, and now her and superboy are trapped. Lex then
knows Lois' child is the son of Superman. We see the son's power (which
I think is because of the Kryptonite, if he is around it...it gives him
powers. You see, Lois and Clark had sexual relations AFTER he was made
HUMAN. No powers. So how can the boy have powers? Other than Kryptonite
being a factor, and instead of making the boy (Jason, by the way) sick
it makes him strong. Or, he is like Blade…the boy has the best of both
worlds…he is strong like Superman…but Kryptonite does nothing to him.
Or...the boy could just be super like his Dad. EITHER WAY...it makes no
SENSE!) So Lex, along with his hostages, his goons, and his girlfriend
of sorts Kitty, go to the deep ocean to plant his Kryptonite induced
crystal in the ocean. It forms, They Leave the Hostages, The boat gets
hit by a forming mass and is broken in half. Richard (who we learn is a
PILOT earlier in the film) flies to the rescue...but is not super
enough to help. They get trapped after Lois head is smashed by a
closing door (that is a lot of head trauma in a few days). Then
Superman is there...they are saved and Richard Flies away with the
family. Superman goes to find Lex. He finds Lex and asks for the
Crystals he stole back. Since the island is forming it is forming with
Kryptonite in it (somehow Superman doesn't feel any effects, even when
saving Lois and the gang...he only feels the effect when Lex hits him
and then he falls....out of the blue this happens. Nor Does Superman
X-ray to see what is going on. He X-rays Lois like 90 times. He X-rays
the oceans and see's the cracks developing…but not the Kryptonite. The
cracks by the way would create HUGE Tsunamis!) Superman realizes the
island is laced with Kryptonite (about time). Kitty is obviously shaken
up that Superman is being killed, but of course...does nothing. Lex's
goons beat him almost to death (of course, SHOCKING) then Lex stabs him
with Kryptonite (Which, again, Superman does not scan for. I mean this
is Lex Luthor…Superman should know that Lex will have KRYPTONITE!!
Superman falls of a cliff and into the ocean water. Lois wakes up and
then persuades Richard to go back to the island. Superman Kids finds
Superman drowning. They save him. Lois takes out the Kypronite, and
Superman Goes back to defeat Lex...but first he goes towards the sun to
get a nice recharge. Then Superman goes to work. He starts to cut the
island from the earth using his ray vision. The Island starts to quake.
So they leave. Lex's Goon's die. Kitty (his female assistant) Lives.
Lex and her get in a helicopter, Lex tells Kitty to hold the
Crystals...instead...since she is guilt ridden, she throws them out.
They land on the island and Lex has no choice but to leave. We then see
Superman Lifting this HUGE chunk of the island out of the ocean (need I
remind you...that the Island is Kryptonite...and he is touching
it...remember if he is even AROUND KRYPTONITE...he starts to
die...HELLO!!!???) Superman lifts the island into outer space and lets
it go (obviously not caring for the crystals that or left on the
island, WHICH IS THE REASON HE WENT AFTER LEX IN THE FIRST PLACE!!
Superman then falls to earth...he lands and is taken to the hospital.
They remove MORE Kryptonite...yeah MORE. So that means the whole time
Superman has Kryptonite in him and he is touching an island with
kryptonite. That is not POSSIBLE! So he was able to function with that
in him and while he touched it lifting the Kryptonite laced island? A
bunch of crock!
The ending is just as bad. SUPERMAN IS DEAD the newspaper will read the
next day....Old. Come up with something original, will ya? So everyone
thinks Superman is dead. Lois is at the hospital and thinking he will
pass…or is dead...who knows...Lois tells Supes that Jason is indeed his
son. Lois and Jason leave. Then at Night Superman is indeed
ALIVE(again…SHOCKING!). Superman is in Jason's room. There is a very
touching moment when Superman visits Jason and looks at him with
wonderment. Superman then recites what His father told him. It was a
great scene. But that was it. Then Lois writes...Why we NEED
Superman....awwww..come on! There is also a very horrible CGI of
Superman flying at the very end....it didn't look very good at
all...and at the end of the movie of all things (speaking of bad
cgi...the cgi in this movie is not great...the scene when lex is in
superman's ice home and the crystals form before him...that cgi is
HORRIBLE! It is really bad, seriously...if they can make dinosaurs look
REAL in 91-92...they can make this movie look REAL!. Also, Why would
Lois Lane remember sleeping with Superman...but not remember he is
Clark Kent? The movie had little action, had little emotion, and just
showed superman flying (If you could see him…he zipped by so many
times. I want to see Superman…not HEAR HIM!).. This film cost over 260
million to make....I did not see 260 million dollars on that
screen.This movie had little action or little of anything going on to
be made for 260 million. This film could have been so much better. SO
Superman didn't return, he departed.