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There's a Pan-Dimension in My Ice Box, Part 2
By His Lordship Chaos
Part II: My Heart's In A Blender Stuck on 'Frappe'
Yes indeed, once more we're here to return to the wonderful pan-dimensional world where men are men, women are scantily-clad, and that ugly ogre eating your sheep and terrorizing your village wears a nametag that says, "Hello, my name is Bob."
This naturally begs the question: if everyone's so big on the record of Lodoss War, why don't they want to try the cassette tape of Lodoss War? Or how about the CD?
But I digress!
After getting over the shock of discovering a portal to an alternate Anime world in my friend's icebox, there was another shock waiting for me. The fact that a certain psychotic, Cosplaying gerbil named 'Omelette' was my guide helped me realize that the only way I would survive this new rant saga was if I was completely drunk for it. Unfortunately the killer mystery meat had spilled all my precious Sake...but I was able to take it like an otaku!
Chaos: ;_; [sniffle!] "I want my Sakeeeee! Even just a little sip!"
Tamagoyaki: --;; [dressed in a Chocobo suit] "You're not exactly inspiring any confidence in me here."
Chaos: "Hush, you talking rodent! Don't you have a plastic ball to run around in?"
Tamagoyaki: "I left it in my other Chocobo outfit."
Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "I don't believe this."
Well, I managed to get over my distraught of the lost Sake, hoping that I might have a Fujisawa-sensei complex and get stronger the more sober I was. After punting Tamagoyaki only over the first mountain range, I realized that super-strength wasn't going to be on my list of skills.
Then came the new horror: I had not the slightest clue how many Hit Points per rant I was allowed. Even moreso, here I was in a fantasy world, and I had no idea if I possessed any nifty magical powers or cool, oversized weapons! Of course, knowing my luck I'd wind up conjuring some quasi-Slayers wanna-be spell like the 'Dil Pickle Brand' or 'Ra Tilt-o-Whirl'.
This was just like a scene out of that bad Anime crossover, Urban Legend of Lemnear: it happened to a friend of a friend of a Silver Warrior, and now it'll happen to you. Yet this was the rant I was stuck in, and I had to make the best of it...somehow. But at the very least the scenery was nice: lot's of open space, lush green trees, distant mountain ranges, a really big and ugly monster standing right in front of me with drool dripping down its fangs and many unsightly appendages waving around it's body.
Chaos: o.O;; "KYAAAAAAAA!!! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"
And so with the grace and heroicism of an SD Gourry popping open his skull cap to reveal he really did have Jello for brains, I screamed like a girl and took off across the countryside, leaving behind me only a long trail of dissipating dust.
However, in my terrified and super-deformed state, I failed to notice the Gainax Bounce jiggling right in front of me. Well, not until I got more than a mere faceful of fanservice. My eyes bugged out wildly as I saw I had just run into an Elfgirl! Yes, with those cute, sloping ears and tight, revealing bodysuit, this blonde elfin babe was suddenly making me very happy to have been sucked into this place. Among other things, the day was looking up!
The Elfgirl smiled prettily as she dusted her bosoms off, looked deep into my teary Bambi eyes...and proceeded to angrily stomp the crap out of me. By the time Tamagoyaki managed to show up riding on a SeeD transport craft, I was sporting a lot of neat li'l treadmarks all along my backside, my limbs twitching involuntarily from the crater I had been pounded into.
Irate SD Elfgirl: [jumping on Chaos' back] "How dare you get fresh with this rant's token Elfgirl, you pervert! SHIN'NE!!!"
Tamagoyaki: [now dressed up as Squall Leonhart] "No! Don't kill him!"
Elfgirl: "Why not?"
Tamagoyaki: "If he dies, we don't get paid."
Chaos: [whew!] "Saved by contractual obligations!"
Tamagoyaki: [pulling out a 1000t mallet] "Use this instead. It'll nicely smite him, but he won't die."
Chaos: "Just whose side are you on here?!"
After the repeated kickings of my kawaii little kiester came to an end, Tamagoyaki informed me that the cute and rather vicious Elfgirl was one of the characters who would be accompanying me on my quest. Rare was the typical RPG world which didn't feature an Elfgirl of some kind. I personally would have preferred someone like Naga (minus the laugh of course) or else Rayearth's Cauldina.
Chaos: "I wonder if I can get the Midnight Panthers to show up in this rant?"
Tamagoyaki: [hiding something behind his back] "Um...you might want to rethink that."
Chaos: [suspicious] "Why?"
[Chaos peers in behind Tamagoyaki, only to find--!]
Chaos: o.O "An electric trimmer?! You didn't shave Kei bald when she was in her panther form, did you?"
Tamagoyaki: "Was that a rhetorical question?"
Chaos: [smacking his forehead] "I don't believe this. Are you deliberately trying to get us killed? I never thought it could happen, but you're even worse of a guide than Mokona!"
Tamagoyaki: "Would you rather I squeaked 'PU PU PUUUU!' every three seconds?"
Chaos: [wince!] "For the love of all that is Clamp, NO!! Just please don't tell me everyone here's named after food."
Chaos: [whew!] "That's good. For a moment I was afraid I had gotten transported onto the Spooner Continent."
Tamagoyaki: ^-^ "Everyone here's named after kitchen appliances!"
And so in my mind this rant got flushed right down the proverbial toilet. The fact that the token Elfgirl's name was Blender really didn't help the situation much either. My spine still fractured in several painful areas, I wasn't about to tease Blender about her name...especially when I learned she had a big brother named Waffle Iron. Yet there were still other problems plaguing me, like just how much Sephiroth really loved his mother...very akin to Norman Bates. So as Tamagoyaki, Blender and myself walked through the Forest of Mysterious Sneezing (due to the fact that all the trees seemed to be strangely allergic to themselves), I tried to get as much information as I could out of the gerbil to ensure I didn't wind looking like a complete idiot for the next few rants.
Blender & Tamagoyaki: "Too late."
Chaos: [grrr!] "You guys aren't exactly helping me either!"
Blender: [hmph!] "Hey, we wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't lost to that mystery meat. This is your OVA rant; you clean the plot up."
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "I was brought here to save this dimension?"
Tamagoyaki: "More or less. When you stuffed that killer mystery meat into the icebox, you pushed it into this world. Now it's set itself up as the token evil overlord. Of course, this wouldn't have happened if you had cleaned out your fridge."
Chaos: "It was a mean breaded pork cutlet, I'll have you know! And just how am I supposed to save the alternate world with an Elfgirl named Blender?!"
Blender: [grrr!] "I heard that!"
1000t mallet: *WHAM!!*
Banana-thingy: [popping out from behind a tree] "Ganbaru."
Well, I suppose it could have been worse. I could have been paired up with someone called 'Potato Masher'. Then again, that slight bit of optimism didn't exactly help when Blender clobbered me. However, there was still hope that our relationship might work out; after all, Elfgirls dig the brooding loner bid. All I had to do for her to fall head over heels in love with me was become the somber yet suavely-dressed and cool guy!
Chaos: [grrr!] "And just how am I supposed to do this when you dress me up to look like Quistis Trepe?!"
Tamagoyaki: "Well, it was either her or Fuu from Rayearth. They're the only two RPG fantasy-type girls who I know wear glasses--and last I checked, you can't lift a sword that big. In fact, I doubt you'd be able to properly use one of those plastic cocktail swords."
Chaos: [evil smile] "Oh, well in that case...let's see how you like me using this metal whip!!"
Blender: [clobbering Chaos] "Leave the poor gerbil alone!"
Chaos: [twitch twitch!] "H-Hai...."
Tamagoyaki: ^^ "He's so fun to tease."
And so that's how my first day in this alternate Anime world was spent. We're going to leave out that whole 'mistaking the Ifrit fire elemental for a cuddly little SD Suzaku' out though...mainly because instead of helping me put out the fire on my Tamahome Hilfiger pants, Tamagoyaki tried to roast marshmallows. Yes, it was up to me to save this pan-dimension. And with a great amount of confidence, I was proud to say--
Blender: "We're screwed."
Chaos: "I don't see you trying to help, Little Miss Osterizer. (o.O) Hey! What are you doing with that lighter fluid?!"
Tamagoyaki: "My hotdog isn't fully cooked."
Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAA!!! Where's a Shiva when you need it?! A demona crystal spell? Something! ANYTHING!!"
Next time: remembering to bring extra toilet paper with you during countless stupid wanderings, and discovering that hiring Lina Inverse as the token sorceress really hurts. A lot.
Magic Knights: "Kyo wa...dare da?"
[Cue an SD Banana-thingy popping up!]
SD Banana-thingy: "Ganbaru."
Magic Knights: "Kyo wa...Tamagoyaki!"
SD Banana-thingy: o.O
[Cue the gerbil piloting the Escaflowne guymelef!]
Tamagoyaki: ^-^ "Is this a great column or what? KEEP STRONG WITH THIS, BANANA-THINGY!!"