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There's a Pan-Dimension in My Ice Box, Part 3
By His Lordship Chaos
Part III: Dragu Slave Hoochie-coo
Well once again, just when you thought everything was safe and sane and back to normal, someone pulls the OVA out from under your feet and winds up flinging you into Jusenkyo's Spring of Drowned Boomer. Naturally this begs the question of whether or not the cross-over saviors of the alternate world, the Magic Knight Sabres (just imagine it: Priss fighting in a Windam Machin hardsuit), would show up just in time to pour water onto your circuitry and electrocute you as you change back to your human self.
But before we can let these run-on sentences make any sense, it's time to return to the pan-dimensional realm of "Cup & Saucer". This was indeed a truly magical world, full of characters named after kitchen appliances (but how many Anime characters period are named after such quirky things?) and a hapless self-inserted ranter busy trying to hunt down a psychotic gerbil...who's now dressed his furry self up as Chichiri.
Chaos: [wielding a Gunblade] "This is the last time you dress me up as Rinoa Heartilly, you rodent! Once I figure out how to take the safety catch off this thing, you are so extinct!"
Tamagoyaki: ^-^ [sticking out his tongue] "THBBBPT, no da!"
Blender: [tripping Chaos] "I hate to break up your little lover's quarrel, but you've got an alternate world to save."
Chaos: [faceplanted in the dirt] "And just how am I supposed to storm the floating fortress of a lethal, breaded pork cutlet?"
Blender: "How should I know? I'm the token Elfgirl; I just let you do all the work, and hog all the glory afterwards."
Chaos: --;; "Gee...thanks."
Tamagoyaki: "First things first, though. We need to assemble a ragtag group consisting of a swordsman, a thief, a bikini-clad babe who'll kick Chaos' butt--"
Chaos: o.O "WHAT?!"
Tamagoyaki: "--and the cute, token sorceress."
[Cue Chaos suddenly seated behind a judges table, the banner 'SORCERESSES WANTED' strung over his head!]
Chaos: ^-^ "Hai, arigato gozaimasu! Step right up, and join us on our magical quest to destroy the Mystery Meat threatening your world!"
There wasn't much movement in the clearing as I said this. I swear that in that awkward moment of silence before Tamagoyaki started taunting me again, the kana for "Was it something I said?" scrolled across the air behind me. Then I realized that half the sorceresses in any given fantasy Anime or game would only work for an exorbitantly large fee.
Realizing my chance to charge any and all oversized bills to Chris Beveridge (gracious web-meister that he is! ^-^), I immediately changed the sign to include a large gratuity payment being offered. Suddenly the hills were alive with the sound of spell-casters, who came racing from all sixteen corners of whatever parallel world they lived in. And so, at the risk of a bad Anime pun, the Slayer Try-outs began!
Tamagoyaki: [reading the personnel sheets] "So who's our first applicant?"
Female Maze: [shyly stepping forward] "A-Ano...."
Chaos: ^-^ "I like her; she's cute."
Blender: [unimpressed] "And she turns into an oversexed, hormonal testosterone factory of a guy at night. I am not going on a quest with that girl...guy...either of them."
Chaos: "Don't you mean 'both of them'?"
Blender: [smashing Chaos' face into the table] "Next!"
Hikaru: "Flame Arrow!"
Mokona: ^-^ [popping up behind Hikaru] "PUUUU!!"
Chaos: o.O "Next! NEXT!!"
Blender: "Tamagoyaki, could you take care of the demonic marshmallow puff for us?"
Tamagoyaki: [with the Laguna Blade] "Already ahead of you."
Chaos: "Who's up now?"
Naga: [Gainax bounce!] "WOH HOH HOH HO HO HO!!!"
Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "Next!"
[The Elven sorceress Pierce walks in.]
Chaos: "Um...sorry, no hentai. This rant is rated PG, after all. Next!"
Orphen: "Why does it have to be sorceress? I'm a kick-ass sorcerer from the Castle of the Black Fang."
Chaos: [blase] "No offense, Orphen, but your two opening episodes really didn't do much for me. Slayers was waaaay better than--"
Orphen: [grrr!] "I am the light that burns in the darkness!"
[Orphen torches Chaos with a spell!]
Blender: "Oooh, he gets extra points for that. Next!"
Chaos: --;; "'I am the light that burns in the darkness'? Just what kinda stupid incantation is that?"
Blender: "He certainly fried you good, though."
Chaos: [hmph!] "Don't you have something to go and frappe?"
And for that cheerful and only half-innocent remark, Blender walloped me right into a large rock. I could only sigh through my concussion, realizing that when I had asked for a Deedlit, I had instead been given a Karla the Grey Witch.
Yet the try-outs had to continue; I didn't want to get stuck in this ranting saga more than I had to be. It was unnerving to think I was the token hero, and here I was taking more damage than a hapless otaku newbie watching all 13 Lain episodes in a single sitting. The next potential token sorceress was called in.
Shayla-Shayla: [demonstrating her attack] "Flame Wall!!"
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "I really wish you wouldn't try to destroy the other applicants with your Lamp of Fire like that, Shayla. Next!"
Milfiel: [glomping onto Chaos] "Oooh, pick me, Chaos-chan!"
Chaos: o.O [erk!] "Kyaaaa!! No cross-dressing shonen ai sorcerers! Next!"
Lina Inverse: "All I have to say is that if you want me on your side, you're paying ALL the food bills."
Chaos: "Hey, I'd like to have Lina on our side. She's got to be one of the most powerful spell-casters ever!"
Tamagoyaki: "But she's got no cleavage! She's built like a surfboard!"
Lina Inverse: "WHAT?!"
Tamagoyaki: [pointing to Chaos] "He said it, not me."
Lina Inverse: "DRAGU SLAVE!!"
[Cue the oversized explosive detonation that levels...well, pretty much everything!]
Chaos: --;; [coughs out a kawaii li'l smoke cloud] "The next time you have anything else colourful to say, rodent, keep it to yourself."
Tamagoyaki: [aghast] "And spoil the fun of seeing you get your butt kicked? Perish the thought!"
Chaos: "What am I here? Yakumo?!"
The day continued relentlessly, much like an otaku frantically shrieking over being left with yet another Fushigi Yugi cliff-hanger ending, and trying to find out what happened next. At last a sorceress was found to join us on our quest.
However, I would like to point out that the vote was not unanimous. I objected, but since Tamagoyaki and Blender made up the majority (not to mention Blender booted me into some enchanted glacier when I voted against the applicant), I lost. And so the cute li'l sorceress revealed herself to be none other but the legendary Vegetable Steamer (feel free to facevault here; I did), called Veggie-chan for short.
Veggie-chan: ^-^ "Ohayo! So what town do we get to level first?"
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Aha haaaa...I my medical insurance covers this."
The day wrapped up with many other people vying for positions on our quest. Also joining our ranks was the token swordsman, Cuisinart.
Cuisinart: [looking around] "What? Who said that?"
Chaos: "You're related to Gourry, aren't you?"
Cuisinart: ^^ "We're cousins...whatever than means."
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Okay, mental note: when going through a booby-trapped dungeon, I'm let you go first."
There was the battle-ready bikini-clad babe, Toaster.
Toaster: "Ha! Let's see Naga try to model this baby!
Chaos: "I've been meaning to ask you people this: don't those metal bikinis rust when you get them wet? I mean, you wear the same outfit for multiple seasons, get soaked every third episode, and yet they look sparkling new. It boggles my mind--not to mention trying to figure out how you characters never seem to have to go to the bathroom for the entire series. Do you just lack that part of a digestive tract, or what?"
Toaster: [stomping on Chaos] "How dare you ask such a private thing for a woman! If I hadn't just varnished my top piece, I'd really let you have it!"
And we shouldn't forget about the expert thief, Kettle!
Kettle: "Behold, Chaos! While you were busy getting your kidneys pulverized by Toaster, I took the liberty of stealing the cash we need to stay at an inn for tonight! Am I just so cool, or what? I...(o.O) I've stolen my own wallet."
Chaos: [slowly nodding] "Okaaaaay, and just which one of us hired you again?"
Tamagoyaki: "That would be me. Kettle serves for great comic relief, doesn't he?"
Chaos: "Wait a minute! If other people are filling up the token fantasy world roles, then where do I fit into all this?!"
Tamagoyaki: "You get to be the handy and expendable diversion."
Chaos: --;; "I knew I should have joined a Union before I opened the fridge."
And so concluded yet another mindless installment of pan-dimensional ranting. Personally, in light of this strange gallery of characters, I was starting to think Makoto's predicament of having multiple female suitors in El Hazard was something to be envied. After all, Makoto's women just wanted him. The women here--Elfgirls included--just wanted me dead...or severely sac-beaten. I suppose whichever one came first.
My only hope was in getting some kind of magical armor to make myself look cool in front of an audience. I'd settle for anything: a Machin, a guymelef (so long as it's washed out first; Dilandu sweats a lot when he goes on a psychotic binge), or even a Forum creature (just so long as I don't have a hermaphrodite like Mill-Hime as co-pilot).
Blender: "Sorry, but you need an operator's license to pilot any magical machine or armor."
Chaos: [groan!] "Shimatta! How could it get any worse?"
Veggie-chan: "It's a graduated license system."
Chaos: ;_; [on his knees] "Kusoooooooo!!!"
Cuisinart: "What high school did the license graduate from?"
Kettle: "I don't even think I could steal a clue from this guy; he doesn't have any."
Tamagoyaki: "This lack of intelligence has to be a swordsman thing."
Cuisinart: "Oooh! And we're proud of it, too!"
Toaster: [eyebrow twitch!] "Shut up, tapioca for brains."
Cuisinart: ^-^ "Actually, I've got chocolate pudding for brains. Want some?"
Chaos: [lament!] "Being destroyed by the demon lord Shabranigdo sounds soooo tempting right about now."
[Cue the eyecatch!]
Magic Knights: "Kyo wa...dare da?"
[Cue an SD Cuisinart-chan popping up!]
SD Cuisinart-chan: [???] "What's going on?"
Magic Knights: "Kyo wa...Cuisinart!"
SD Cuisinart-chan: [looking at Chaos] "I think they're talking to you."
SD Chaos-chan: --;; "You really are two OVAS short of a TV series, aren't you?"