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There's a Pan-Dimension in My Ice Box, Part 4
By His Lordship Chaos
Part IV: Out of the Frying Pan-Dimension, Into the Fireball
Somewhere in the pan-dimensional world of Cup & Saucer, there was trouble afoot. And what a particularly strange foot it was, for there were in fact no feet to cause trouble. No, trouble had appeared in the form of a killer mystery meat bent on ruling this alternate universe with a breaded fist...which in itself would be impressive since this is a pork cutlet we're talking about. Yes indeed, this cutlet had decided to become more than just "the other white meat" and was beginning its reign of terror across the pan-dimension.
Its first horrific step into becoming a luncheon meat megalomaniac: show the inhabitants of Cup & Saucer nothing but old Urusei Yatsura dubs. All resistance would be destroyed by the end of the first tape. Oh, how diabolical!!
But Cup & Saucer had one last hope for escaping the tyranny of this entree gone wrong. There was a secret organization called the...um...we'll just make up a catchy title later. Regardless of what they were called, these people were ready to do whatever it took to protect the innocents and fight against evil. Surely with these characters on the side of good, all would be well.
Tamagoyaki: [bounding across the rant dressed as Ascot] "Wohooo! Yet another Cosplaying work of art!"
Chaos: [chasing after the gerbil with a power staff] "You are so dead when I catch you, you rodent! Just what possessed you to stick me in an Ifurita costume anyways?!"
Tamagoyaki: [mowing Chaos down with Ascot's floating boulder] "Are you saying I don't have good fashion sense?"
Okay, we take it back. This place is doomed.
Blender: [absently watching Chaos] "You know, this could very well be the stupidest otaku on the face of the Aniverse."
Veggie-chan: [nodding] "Maybe I should Giga Slave him."
Really *really* doomed.
Kettle: "Aha, I have it now! Watch as I steal that apple from the tree overhead. And...voila!"
Cuisinart: [looking at the item in question] "Ano...that's the top from Toaster's metal bikini."
Toaster's fist: *WHAM!!*
And so as two SD silhouettes of Cuisinart and Kettle could be seen happily yet unconsciously soaring off into the sunset, I was busy dressing up as a miko and trying to figure out how to hitchhike to Kotou country from here.
Indeed, you could take the chaos out of Anime, but you couldn't take the Anime out of Chaos (at least, not unless surgery was required). Truth be told, there was too much RPG-angst for my tastes--even if they do include leather-clad Senshi with whips. But here in Cup & Saucer, I was getting sac-beaten just a little too regularly for my tastes.
I was ready to call it a rant, go back to my own dimension and settle down in front of the computer with a variety of SIM Anime games. Such as SIM GENOM (watch out for those pesky Knight Sabres) or SIM Cephiro (no, you do NOT gain points for taking out Mokona...much to my dismay).
But then Mister Omelette for a mascot pointed out my contractual obligations, so I was relegated to return to my duties as "token punching bag".
Our quest continued along at a brisk pace, full of funny little adventures I don't really want to go into. Mainly because they entail me getting my cute yet poundable rear kicked. Although there was this one time that Fujisawa-sensei got into a drinking contest with the ladies from our group. Blender, Veggie-chan and Toaster all got tanked on Sake and started belting out the Maze TV closing song "Junk Boy"...completely off-key too.
It hurt. A lot.
There was also this time that Cuisinart decided to do some shadowboxing with himself...and lost. Yet by the same token, Cuisinart was also the winner. No one really had the heart to shatter his delusions of adequacy, so Blender just punted him into the nearest tree.
Kettle proved to be quite the expert thief too. I just wish he hadn't accidentally swiped my pants while we were in the middle of a marketplace. I also wish Veggie-chan hadn't sold me to Milfiel as a male playtoy a few hours later, just to pay for lunch.
I should also mention that Tamagoyaki also managed to nearly get us all killed...again. Apparently Dilandou is really touchy if you shave him-- er, her--er, them(?) bald. A stray blast of magic nearly put an end to me, but fortunately I was wearing my Ura vest. I swear that cat-thingy's better than Kevlar.
Anyhoo, we had just come out of a Pudding Orchard (all the pudding trees there having been planted by a wandering pudding...no, we're serious. It's an actual Anime) when we stumbled across a group of fairies.
Not Bondage Fairies, though! This rant is somewhere in the G rating after all.
Anyhoo, their leader (the fairy princess Ren) wouldn't let us pass unless we joined them in some nonsensical games. At least that's what we think she told us.
Ren: ^^ "A tiny mouse sat on the pincushion and went yummy-yummy. There is a tenderloin tickling my ribcage amidst the trees. Beef? Beef strips?"
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Ooookaaaaay. Anyone here have an Utter Nonsense/English dictionary?"
Chaos: --;; "Other than him?"
As it turned out only our token Elfgirl, Blender, could understand them. Must be a fantasy-based creature thing. So as Blender led all the little fairies in a game of "Duck Duck Gatchabagoose", we all snuck away from such uberkawaii mindlessness. I unfortunately managed to get run over by an overzealous Go...followed by his legion of sisters who worked in the Fire Department.
But the fun and pin-the-Guymelef-on-Chaos games came to an abrupt end as an ominous shadow swept across the land. The winds started up, wildly blowing the leaves and grasses. When I first lifted my head to behold the big evil floaty-thing in the sky, I thought the Shadow tribe had decided to come after us with the Eye of God.
Had I the Galaxy Gun (or barring that, an AT Field and a transpositional cannon), I surely would have laughed at such a petty thing as...as....
Chaos: [irate li'l fanboy] "Just what is the killer mystery meat doing with Zaibach's floating fortress?!"
Cuisinart: "Oooh, I hope his pilot license graduated from school too. He might get arrested if it didn't."
[Everyone slowly turns to Cuisinart.]
Blender: "You brainwaves really do crash a few feet short of the beach, don't they?"
Cuisinart: ^-^ "Does that mean we can go swimming?"
Veggie-chan: "Blender, stop encouraging his stupidity!"
Blender: "Well why don't you use a spell and nuke that fortress into the next season?!"
Chaos: --;; "Um, guys? Remember the homicidal pork cutlet out to stomp on us?"
Kettle: [looking up at the airborne castle] "I could steal that."
Veggie-chan: [grrr!] "Don't you yell at a token sorceress, you pointy- eared fairy freak!!"
Blender: [cracking her knuckles] "I'll have you know I'm the token Elfgirl--and I can do whatever the hell I want! I don't have to take orders from a prepubescent witch!"
Veggie-chan: [indignant] "Okay, that's it! You and your Gainax bounce are so--!!"
Toaster: [abruptly putting the two ladies in a headlock] "Behave, girls, or else I will have to throttle Chaos as punishment."
Chaos: --;; "It's like living with a lynch mob."
It was right about then that I realized something was not right. I knew my Anime fantasy genre; the mystery meat wasn't suppose to come after us until we'd successfully kicked the butts of its weaker and inept underlings.
The fact that the killer cutlet had decided to skip the typical evil Anime overlord technique of sending a gradual succession of stronger opponents our way (thus letting us get stronger and gain newfound allies) was a disconcerting one. Then again, it happened when Alcyone attacked the Magic Knights upon their arrival in Cephiro. And I would hardly call Karla the Grey Witch a villainess to ignore no matter when in the Record of Lodoss War (CD now selling for $24) she showed up.
On the other hand, I probably was spared many small thrashings in place one grand thrashing. Um...come to think of it, that's not a good thing either.
Chaos: o.O "Kyaaa! What are we going to do?!"
Tamagoyaki: "What else? Cue the eyecatch!"
Chaos: --;; "'Cue the eyecatch'?! Well, that just killed the dramatic tension."
Cuisinart: "I'm supposed to have a line here; I'm sure of it!"
Chaos: --;; "Is it too late to recast the token swordsman role?"
[Cue the eyecatch!]
Magic Knights: "Kyo wa...dare da?"
[Cue an SD Mokona-chan popping up!]
SD Mokona-chan: ^^ "PUU!!"
Magic Knights: "Kyo wa...Naga!"
SD Naga-chan: [Gainax bounce!] "WOH HOH HO HO HOH OHO HO!!!"
SD Mokona-chan: o.O "PUUUUUUUU!!"
[The SD Mokona abruptly detonates into a flashflood of fluffy white marshmallowy stuffing!]
SD Tamagoyaki: ^^ "Oooh, he blew up real good!"