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There's a Pan-Dimension in My Ice Box, Part 5
By His Lordship Chaos
Part V: Diagonally Parked in a Parallel World
You ever have one of those rants where you wake up after a wild all-weekend Animefest (and Sake binge), only to find yourself handcuffed to a Ctarl-Ctarl and on a ship bound for Jurai?
Well...me neither. But this one certainly comes close!
When last we left this column of all that is Anime and non-sequitor, the dread, breaded pork cutlet of doom had made its great appearance. And with Zaibach's heavily-armed, floating fortress too. Needless to say, I wasn't particularly thrilled with resuming the story after the eyecatch.
Chaos: [staring up at the floating fortress] "Refresh me memory. Just how do we stop a pork cutlet from taking over the alternate world?"
Xellos: ^^ "Sore wa...."
Chaos: [can't you just feel the tension?] "Sore wa...?"
Xellos: ^^ "Himitsu desu!"
Chaos: o.O [facevault!] "I just knew you were going to tell me 'It's a secret!'"
Things weren't looking up--though my neck was starting to cramp from having to tilt my head up so high just to watch the approaching fortress. Luckily for me, Dr. Tofu had a portable "acupuncture therapy" booth set up nearby. I was doing great...right until Kasumi Tendo walked into the room. Upon noticing her, Dr. Tofu proceeded to turn my head back when it was already looking in that particular direction.
Note to all you otaku: the human head cannot turn 180 degrees. Ask Kintaro Oe. He'll attest to this fact.
So there I was, running around and looking like a Yakumo with his head cut off. The only difference was, Yakumo could actually get away with playing croquet with his head. Last I checked, I don't have a 'Wu' mark on my forehead. Although that might explain why I've survived this column for so long....
But I digress!
Zaibach's armies were approaching, and no doubt the killer mystery meat had Dornkirk (giant disembodied head that he is) looking into his telescope and chanting "Redirect teacups. Redirect teacups."
Indeed, it was fast appearing that this ranter's philosophies would be coming an abrupt and rather painful end. But one thing was for certain: so long as the rest of my band of utensil-named characters got paid in advance, they'd stand by my side and fight to the semi-bitter end.
But just between you and me, I suspect they'd just take their paychecks and run off. Which is why I only paid half their salaries up front! So then, onto the epic multi-page-spanning battle scene that would make just one of Dragonball Z's 72 ep. long fights seem like a thumb war between an utterly tanked Fujisawa-sensei and Misato Katsuragi. We all stood before the floating fortress, ready to face our destiny!
Toaster: [cracking her knuckles] "We can kick this cutlet's butt anyday."
Chaos: ^^ "Hai!"
Veggie-chan: "Because we're the good guys!"
Chaos: ^^ "Hai!"
Cuisinart: [???] "I have a line here, don't I?"
Chaos: ^^ "Next!"
Kettle: "And the good guys always win!"
Chaos: ^^ "Hai!"
Blender: "You males do something constructive during a battle in the Anime fantasy genre? Ha! That's a laugh."
Chaos: [twiddling his thumbs] "A-Ano...."
Tamagoyaki: "Don't let that get you down, Chaos. You're this rant's title hero."
Chaos: ^^ "Hai!"
Tamagoyaki: [pushing Chaos into the line of fire] "Go get 'em!"
Chaos: ^^ "Hai! (o.O) WHAT?!"
And so upon being shown my character contract as "token handy and expendable diversion," I was relegated to marching out onto the battlefield alone to see what the mystery meat's demands were. As it turned out, said demands were pretty regular--although the tub full of Jello and Variable Geo waitresses got my eyebrow twitching a little.
Not willing to die at the hands of a breaded pork cutlet (if I did, Koenma Jr. would never stop laughing at me), I gave the floating fortress the ever courteous one-finger salute, shrank into SD mode, and then shrieked like a girl and ran for my chibified life as the floating fortress proceeded to try and run me over.
Was this the end of 'Philosophies In A Teacup?!'
I braced myself for the impending bodycast, when suddenly the rest of Cup & Saucer's token gang of heroes appeared! And fully armored in a vast variety of fantasy-genre mechs too. Needless to say, I felt underdressed. The fact that a roving cabbit had eaten my Tamahome Hilfiger pants notwithstanding, of course.
Cuisinart: [in the Escaflowne guymelef] "Could someone tell me how to release the parking brake on this thing?"
Blender: [in Machin Seleces] "For love and puppies, and...all that other disgusting magical girl crap."
Veggie-chan: ^-^ [in a Forum creature] "Hai! Hey, wait a minute! That was sarcasm."
Blender: [most unimpressed] "Really, and you figure that out already?"
Toaster: >) [atop the Eye of God] "La La La...this is the way we nuke a world, nuke a world, nuke a world all through the rant."
Kettle: [in an Autozanian FTO] "Strange. When I boosted this from Eagle, I could have sworn I knew how to drive Standard."
Tamagoyaki: [riding in a SeeD battle cruiser] "Heeeeeeere's Tami!"
Blender: "Where'd you get that?"
Tamagoyaki: "Oh, this? I had Kettle steal it from Balamb Garden, and the signed the ransom note as Chaos."
Chaos: --;; "Well, at least that explains Squall's assassination attempt on my life."
Cuisinart: [playing with Escaflowne's controls] "Guys, what does it mean when the light 'Service engine soon' comes on?"
Chaos: ^-^ [excited] "Cool! So what do I get to fight in?"
[Tamagoyaki tosses Chaos a bottle.]
Chaos: [reading the label] "A JAR OF VASOLINE?! This isn't the Langresser 5 video game!!"
Veggie-chan: "I'll say. If it was, *we'd* be the ones fighting with that in place of our armor."
Blender: [cheerfully letting Seleces stomp on Chaos] "If you think for even a minute that I've going to give you any Elfgirl fanservice, buddy...!!"
Chaos: --;; "I swear I'll send Satoshi Urushihara my hospital bill after this."
Tamagoyaki: "Sure, you'll really lose hit points, but it's going to take a looooong time before any enemy can bring himself to hit you."
Chaos: ^^ [pose!] "Because I'm so toned and sexy?"
Tamagoyaki: "No. Your body's scarier than that killer pork cutlet. It'll be horrified and spend all its time in battle covering its eyes."
Chaos: --;; "Aha haaaaaaa...GET YOUR FURRY LITTLE BUTT OVER HERE, SO I CAN KICK IT!!"
[Chaos abruptly gets run over by the SeeD battle cruiser!]
Chaos: [twitch twitch!] "That didn't go quite the way I planned it."
At this rate, it was looking like the only way I could ever draw attention back onto myself was to commit one of the greatest otaku taboos ever: perform Amelia's "Good Will To All Men Kick."
But even I have my pride.
Suddenly who should show up in an unbilled cameo, but Metallica's very own valiant (yet utterly trounceable) captain of the guard: Bon Jovina! And he lasted a good sixty-seconds before Toaster got bored and fried him with the Eye of God.
Whatever were we to do?!
[Cue the musical interlude!]
Chibi-Basara: ^^ [singing] "And now I shall perform the latest hit from my Macross 7 soundtrack: Perfect Blue (Da Ba Dee)!"
[Cue Sharon Apple falling from the sky and crushing Chibi-Basara! We now resume our regular ranting.]
Amidst the brief confusion as everyone else watched the broken Valkyrie plunge to its fiery demise (and there was much rejoicing), I sprang into action. This was MY rant, and I was a self-inserted avatar. And dammit, I intended to have a self-gratuitous moment. Of course...said moment might have been my death scene. But let us recall that in Anime, death can never keep a good character down!
Thinking swiftly, I pulled out the handy otaku's secret weapon: pan-dimensional duct tape. And as the Zaibach floating fortress put on its right turn signal, I managed to use the duct tape to snag a piece of the castle. Using the duct tape like a climbing rope proved to be slightly harder than first anticipated. By the time I managed to get into the castle, I resembled either a mummy, or else a Shinma who had gotten itself stuck in a flypaper strip.
As the others proceeded to attack the floating fortress (while Toaster opted to take her Eye of God over to Ohtori Academy and nuke that upside-down castle just to prove she could revolutionize the Anime whenever the hell she felt like doing it), I snuck through the halls.
The narrow corridor abruptly opened up...and I came face to breaded face (or it might have been a slice from the side) with the evil pork cutlet of doom. It was time to face the villain and emerge victorious as all token heroes do.
And just then I realized I had forgotten my enchanted rocket launcher of love from "When Magical Girls Go Wrong!" Unable now to annihilate the pork cutlet with my patented 'Delicate Kiss To All Youma With A Big Flaming Missile Attack' I knew I was doomed.
Not regular doomed.
This was a doom akin to being trapped in a room with one thousand crooning Naga clones.
The mystery meat flung itself towards me, bent on reversing the natural selection process of "grocery store product eaten by human." There was no way for me to escape, and with everyone else gone trigger-happy, I was on my own.
Abruptly I felt something in my pocket--and it wasn't my P-chan keychain. As it turned out, I had smuggled a jar of something from my friend's kitchen at the start of this ridiculous saga...and just never noticed it...until now.
'I just never noticed it until now'?! It's a glass jar! Where did I keep it; down my pants? *Sweatdrop!* Let's not go there.
Okay, who's writing this stupid turkey?!
o.O Oh, that's right. I am.
*Ahem!* Carry on, then.
With much vigor and rapid jump cuts of myself, I flung the jar at the killer mystery meat. Upon hitting its armor-plated bread layer, the jar shattered and spilled its contents all over the pork cutlet.
Instantly the mystery meat shrieked and crashed onto the floor, writhing in pain as it started to dissolve right before my twitching eyebrows! A cloud of rather nauseating smoke billowed out from the entree gone awry as it was reduced to an unsightly black skidmark on the floor.
Somehow I just knew Dornkirk would bill me for having it cleaned.
Yet what had I used that caused the killer pork cutlet to be reduced to a burbling mass o' luncheon meat from hell? Scrounging around the remains, I found the label to the broken jar.
Chaos: --;; "Wasabi? We burned the killer mystery meat to death with spicy mustard?"
Tamagoyaki: [mock surprise] "What an incredible and unforeseen plot twist!"
Chaos: [eye roll!] "Whatever. And since when did you get here?"
Tamagoyaki: "No time to think about flaws in the plot, my friend! Now that your destiny has been fulfilled, you must return to Earth and ponder whether or not we can do a sequel OVA series to this."
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Over my dead, Anime-loving body."
[Cue Toaster & her commandeered Eye of God!]
Toaster: [evil smile] "That can be arranged."
So there you have it: my journey in the pan-dimension of Cup & Saucer. I had learned many things from this adventure. Like Bugrom taste a lot like chicken, for example. That, and bikini-clad battle babes are sadists. Oh, and we mustn't forget the all-important lesson here: killer mystery meat that leaps out from the refrigerator and tries to rip your face off is certainly not a good thing.
Now certainly it's doubtful that anything I learned here could have some great and poignant application to my life...but who really cares about being educated in Anime? You don't see the great ninja Jyubei, after hacking apart several samurai opponents, pause as the guts are dropping from above like sacks of leaky, wet cement and say, "I'd like to take the time out to talk about the importance of discussing drugs with your kids."
And it looks like this rant has come to its end. If you need anything else to rant about, I'm here. I might laugh and point at you like you were a cabbit with a rainbow-colored wig, but that's beside the point. I'll still be here.
Tamagoyaki: ^^ [dressed up as Nakago] "That makes two of us!"
Chaos: o.O [recoiling in terror] "Kyaaaa!! What are you doing in my apartment?!"
Tamagoyaki: "I need to hang here for a while until the Universe of the Four Gods calms down."
Chaos: --;; "You went and shaved Suzaku, didn't you?"
Tamagoyaki: [with razor] "Funny how he's really just flashy red plumage. When I got through with him, he looked more like a super-deformed chicken."
Chaos: [groan!] "Have they even come up with a name for your psychosis yet?"
Cuisinart: [sticking his head in] "Am I on yet? Did I miss my scene?"
Magic Knights: "Kyo wa...dare da?"
[Cue an SD Toaster-chan popping up!]
SD Toaster-chan: "Go ahead. Make my Anime."
Magic Knights: "Kyo wa...'Shake Your Booty' ChibiChibi Hyperboomer!"
SD Hyperboomer-chan: ^^ [shake shake shake!] "Chibi!"
SD Toaster-chan: [sigh!] "Sometimes they just make it too easy. Oh well."
SD Hyperboomer-chan: [shake your booty!] "Chibi?"
[Cue the chibified version of the Eye of God which deatomizes the ChibiChibi Hyperboomer!]
SD Tamagoyaki-chan: ^^ [cuddling up next to Toaster] "I think I'm in love."
SD Toaster-chan: "Don't push your luck, gerbil."