Jessica Chobot
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How to Absolve Yourself of Murders and Destroy Evil Aliens.

So for this WWJCD I had a tough time trying to decide which movie to tackle. It was a toss up between Chick Fights, See No Evil, or Dark City. Although watching women pummel each other and masturbatory scenes featuring everyone’s favorite wrestler, Kane, certainly have their draw, something about Dark City seems to stand out from the rest. 

Maybe it’s the fact that film critic, Roger Ebert, gave it four out of four stars and declared it the best movie of 1998. Or maybe it’s the fact that Dark City can be linked to such fabulous movies as The City of Lost Children and The Matrix. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s the fact that Jennifer Connelly (hot) stars in it and the movie revolves around a species of dying parasitic aliens bent on using humans as a means of resuscitating their race (awesome). 

For those of you that think The Matrix is the be-all, end-all of science fiction, take a little gander at this classic which was released a year before The Matrix and could support the argument that Dark City was the beginning of a new Sci-fi genre. 

Dark City tells the tale of John Murdoch (Rufus Sewell), a person living within a generic world created by the Strangers, a race of dying aliens that have developed a fake city in order to observe how humans behave and derive a solution of survival for themselves. After waking up during one of the Strangers attempts to further their experiment, John finds himself without a memory, accused of murdering a variety of hookers and dealing with the betrayal of his “wife” (Jennifer Connelly). It isn’t long before John finds himself on the run from the law, the Strangers and himself. 

So, what should you do if you find yourself waking up in a dirty bathroom with a dead woman in your bed and you can’t remember how it happened? You should read WWJCD! That’s what you should do! 

Q: Why is the movie “futuristic” but seems to take place during the 40’s/50’s in the United States? 

Dark City DVD

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Q: I’m often tired throughout the day and feel it necessary to take a nap. Is there something wrong with me? 

A: Absolutely not. You are perfectly normal. More likely than not you’re just a victim of deep space parasitic aliens who find it easier to put people to sleep in order to carry out their experiments rather than have them awake. Just thank your lucky stars that your aliens are Dark City aliens and not the Fire in the Sky aliens who like to stick needles through people’s eyeballs while they’re conscious. Do not scoff at these little miracles. 

Q: I can’t imagine that aliens visit me every time I fall asleep. How can I tell if they came and attacked me or if I finally caught some Zzzz’s? 

A: Good question! Your first clue is waking up in a bathtub full of dirty bathwater and totally naked. The second clue is the trail of blood that is running down your forehead for no apparent reason. The third is the lack of memory as to why you are naked, shivering and bleeding in some strange bathroom. However the fourth (and the real kicker) is the dead prostitute lying on your floor. If you have any combination of these four options, chances are something is wrong and you may want to seek some help. If you have none of these occurrences, you have probably only been visited by The Sandman and not soul-sucking alien life forms. 

Q: I’m poor and hate my life. If I leave out a plate full of cookies for the Strangers, will they turn me into a rich debutante like Paris Hilton? 

Jennifer Connelly in Dark City

© Jennifer Connelly

Q: Why is Dark City so damn good!? 

A: Because there’s some booby flashing. Don’t question it. 

Q: In the movie there are no name-brands anywhere. Why is that? 

A: One might make the argument that the lack of name-branding and general generic atmosphere within the alien’s fake city is an obvious choice on the director’s part in order to emphasize the point that the city isn’t a “real” city but one built on an accumulation of various people’s memories. However, I like to believe that the director is actually giving a shout-out to Canada (where the only “name-branding” to be found is one that involves the words “Tim” and “Horton’s”). 

So there you have it! Obviously this goes to show you that parasitic beings from other worlds isn’t something to scoff at. Neither is that black out you had last night that you’re attributing to the empty bottle of Jagermeister you found in your hand when you woke up this morning. Chances are more likely that you’ve been the latest victim of some rampant Tuning! The solution? I recommend printing this bad boy out and keeping it on your person at all times. You never know when you’re going to find yourself in a battle between the forces of good and evil with a race of being from a galaxy far, far, away.