Jessica Chobot
© Jessica Chobot
How to Become All-Powerful Witch and Save the World from Nazis
By: Jessica ChobotDate: Monday, January 29, 2007
I’ve been hooking up with this guy lately with whom I have absolutely nothing in common with except for one (very odd) thing: our mutual love of old school, live-action Disney movies. Pollyanna, The (original) Parent Trap, Swiss Family Robinson, The Apple Dumpling Gang. Basically, any movie starring Haley Mills. You name it, we’ve made out whilst it ran in the background.
The most recent walk down memory lane (and the one where he got to 2nd base) starred Angela Lansbury in her best role since Murder She Wrote, Disney’s Bedknobs and Broomsticks.
Now in fitting with the theme of this article, one might think bed knobs and broom sticks might be referring to some back alley S&M skin bar where you’d want to duct tape your orifices shut. At least, that’s what I think of when I see those words together. Mostly due to a horrific porno I inadvertently watched at a bar where they had it on rotation in the background….yet, I digress…
Sadly, such is not the case. However, what it lacks in leather bears it more than makes up for with Nazis and Satan worshipping.
And you thought Disney was for families. Ha!
The time? 1940. The place? /The Isle of Naboombu. The woman? Ms. Eglantine Price.
The problem? The Blitz.
Bed and Crew © 
It’s during a half-hearted attempt to escape back to
The jig is up! The next morning the kids tell Ms. Price all that they have seen and that they all know that she’s in league with the Cursed One. Faced with cruel adolescent blackmail, Ms. Price agrees to trade them one of her spells for their silence and co-operation in helping her track down a Professor Emilius Browne (the headmaster for the College of Witchcraft in London) so she can get the final, and most important spell, for her grimoire.
Oh yeah…a bed flies, they find an island ruled by animals, and Nazis show up. How can people not appreciate this type of filmmaking?
Having always been fascinated with the Wiccan arts (I have an extensive library on the art of spell casting and mythology, and none of that patchouli B.S. either! I only collect the good stuff, like Aleister Crowley) and getting bored waiting for my handsome tongue-swabber to make any sort of real commitment, I have decided to bust out a top ten list on how to become an all powerful witch and save the world from ze Germans.
How to Become All-Powerful Witch and Save the World from Nazis:
10.) Study! Study! Study!
Ms. Eglantine didn’t become as a decent caster of spells merely by sitting on her duff! Oh no! She plugged in a lot of late shifts in order to hone her craft! Practice makes perfect, and calling down the moon is no exception! Don’t know where to star? Do what Eglantine did! Go to college! Even if you don’t have your own personal Prof. Emilius Browne, you do have one thing that Eglantine did not: The magic of the internets! Although it’s not nearly as cool as the
9.) Black cats are a must!
Anyone even semi-knowledgeable in the way of Wicca knows that if you don’t have a black cat, you’re really just playing dress-up. Black cats are portals into the other “realm” so-to-speak (just look at
8.) Nazis suck. Avoid them.
While this statement is totally self explanatory, it still warrants some attention. I’ve always said that Nazis are the best thing to ever happen to
7.) Don’t have children (even if they’re not really yours).
As cute as Paul, Carrie and Charlie are, they’re still annoying brats (especially Charlie). Here is good ol’, self-sufficient Eglantine Price just trying to make it from day to day after the death of her respected father, all the while straining to do her part for her homeland. Yet a wrench is thrown into the mix and she finds herself weighed down by the arrival of three whipper-snappers with smart mouths! After giving them room and board and filling their bellies with food, the ungrateful whelps have the audacity to plan an escape and then later on attempt to blackmail her! Not even considering the consequences that Ms. Price might have to face after their discovered to be missing. Charges of child abuse are not to be scoffed at!
Bedknobs and Broomsticks Cover Art © Disney
While they may seem cute and cuddly and your curiosity regarding what your pet rabbit really thinks might finally be quenched, I would recommend avoiding areas where animals walk upon two legs and speak English. Not that I’m trying to be discriminatory, but part of me does believe that these creatures should know their place.
5.) Breaking into song and dance may be joyous, but you’ll always end up looking stupid.
I don’t know what it is about the Brits, but they seem to have a strange affinity to perform intricate song and dance numbers in public. First it was Eglantine and Prof. Browne, then the British Navy and their 10 pence whores and 20 years later Mick Jagger and his ex-boyfriend, David Bowie musically declare that there should be dancing in the streets! I don’t care how happy you are, how awesome life is or how beautiful a person you might be, there is absolutely NO reason to break into a sidewalk soft shoe performance in front of Ralph’s supermarket, thank you very much!
4.) Black cats are sssaaawweeet. Get one.
I’ve had two black cats and both were awesome. Therefore, logic stands that black cats are awesome. ‘Nuff said. ** Also see # 1**
3.) Turning people into rabbits is not as good as turning them into toads, but it’s still pretty cool.
Rabbits are soft and cuddly (cool) and toads are cold and slimy (not cool). Rabbits don’t pee on you when you pick them up (cool), toads do (not cool). Rabbits give you candy for Easter (AWESOME) and toads give you warts whenever they want (ok, that’s still pretty awesome). Also try turning people into black cats. Just because.
2.) Being a witch means you can do whatever you want. Don’t limit yourself and your powers.
Feel like going to
1.) Lone wolf it.
While hooking up with a coven might seem like a good idea, especially when you’re starting out, I highly recommend avoiding them. More often than not, a “coven” is really just a bunch of old Dungeons and Dragons nerds that got a little too involved with LARPing. I can pretty much assure you that if you do hook up with one of these groups, 90% of your time will be spent going to New Age seminars, making incense, learning the fine art of holistic massage and staring at crystals. So, what should you do?
Although risky, it’s probably best to lone wolf it and carve your own path. Just make sure to do your homework. There are a lot of things that can go wrong if you just half-ass it, so make sure that no matter which road you choose to travel, whether the garden-variety New Age stuff or hard core High Magik, you do your research. For the New Agey stuff, a few seminars at a local Wiccan supply shop and a couple trips to Border Book’s “mythology” section should take care of it. For the more “high brow” magic, consider legitimate college courses offering sociological and historical studies in religions and the like (and when I say “real” colleges, I’m talking about the Harvard kind, not the internet kind). Word to the wise: no matter which route you choose, make sure and learn that “protection circle” spell first thing! You’re going to need it!
(Did I mention how kick ass black cats are)?
Good luck and Blessed Be!
