Jessica Chobot
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How To Become A Midwestern Beauty Queen

Having lived in a variety of small, Midwestern towns throughout my youth I’ve been accustomed....nay, fortunate, enough to witness first hand the idiotic rituals and contests that family-oriented clubs such as the PTA, Brownies and the Boosters have pressured their pre-pubescent offspring into in order to gain some semblance of local notoriety and fame. 

Forced into a variety of tap and ballet performances, playing the flute for our Jr. High marching band, taking piano lessons I didn’t want to take and other high quality after-school past times, it should come as no surprise that the movie Drop Dead Gorgeous has managed to tickle my funny bone, give me nightmares, and bring back da’ yooper accent I’ve tried so hard to drop. 

Taking place in St. Paul, Minnesota (Home of The Mall of America and the World’s Largest Ball Of Twine), Drop Dead Gorgeous is a mock-u-mentary which gives us a  backstage glimpse into the inner workings of the Mt. Rose Beauty Pageant. 

Following the daily trials and tribulations of the pageant’s contestants, it quickly becomes obvious that there really are only two legitimate girls who have a shot at the crown. Becky Leeman, your typical big fish in a small pond. Beautiful and rich, she is that girl in your high school that everyone sucked up to but secretly wanted to stab in the eye with an ice pick. She’s captain of the Girl’s Lutheran Gun Club and definitely a chick who considers second place the first loser.  

Then there’s Amber Atkins. Cute and sweet to a fault, Amber’s big dream is to get out of St. Paul and become a high profile news anchor just like Diane Sawyer. Supported by her alcoholic but loving mother and an after school job at the mortuary where she can practice her talents, Amber proves herself to be stiff (rigor mortis… get it?) competition for Becky. However, when a series of questionable and slightly deadly mishaps start occurring to the contestants, Amber has to ask herself just how much is she willing to sacrifice in order to reach her dreams... 

That’s where I come in! I’ve been subjected to way too many rich b***** like Becky Leeman in my life and it kills me to think that such individuals truly exist (and get away with their crap). So for all of you out there that are currently competing in a Midwestern beauty pageant against some snotty, peroxided blonde bimbette that wears too much Bonnie Bell lip gloss and smells like she’s washed herself down with the entire Britney Spears perfume line (and don’t lie-I know you’re out there), then this WWJCD is written especially for you! 

Q.) If I have an after school job, homework and the Girl’s Lutheran Gun Club on my plate, how am I ever going to find the time to compete in a beauty pageant? 

WWJCD? I actually agree with Amber’s approach to this. Take a job at the neighborhood morgue doing make-up. Not only will you learn valuable tricks which you can use towards your day-to-day application techniques, but you can also squeeze in a few tap and ballet steps while you’re bouncing back and forth from the body to your toolbox. This type of multi-tasking will also come in handy later on in life once you become a representative of St. Paul Pork Products, as well as their number one assembly line worker at the slaughter house. That’s right ladies! There’s a big world out there! 

Q.) What’s a St. Paul Pork Product? 

WWJCD? Ask your mother. 

Q.) Is Minneapolis really the Sin City? 

WWJCD? No. I would define Minneapolis as slightly misbehaving rather than full-on sinful.  Las Vegas and LA are the ones that truly deserve such a high profile title. A little girl such as yourself should stay away from those places and focus on raising a family (see below)...unless you want to have a career as a dancer. And by “dancer” I mean “stripper.” And by “stripper” I mean “hooker.”

Q.) What happens if I lose to someone like Becky Leeman? Should I try again next year? 

WWJCD? Probably not. Once a loser, always a loser. Besides, after suffering such a crushing defeat, why would you even want to try again? You’ll only taste the bitterness of loss once more (and Leeman IS right: second place IS the first loser). Your best bet? Find someone to knock you up and then force him to marry you. It’s all about a lifetime of security. 

Q.) Does Vaseline really help you to smile? 

WWJCD? Indeed it does! The theory is that if you rub Vaseline on your teeth, it keeps your lips from sticking to them and your lipstick from rubbing off. In fact, there are a TON of disgusting “beauty” secrets that pageant contestants subjugate themselves to. Some of my personal faves are: Preparation H (you know, the hemorrhoid medicine) used as eye cream. Apparently it tightens up the skin under your eyes so you don’t look like you have bags. Also, not washing your hair for up to 5 days (dirty hair is easier to style than clean hair). Yep! There’s a reason those judges are kept at a distance! Nothing quite like a bunch of dirty and smelly beauty queens shoved under a plethora of stage lights and sweating like they’re under a McDonald’s warming lamp. 

Q.) Once I make it big, how do I get rid of my Midwestern accent? 

WWJCD? Wow. I can really identify with this one. I am currently on my way to becoming as famous as possible and I am desperate to get rid of any lingering signs of my past. The best way to do this is move to a city where you know you’re going to make it big, like LA (but beware-it doesn’t always work out. See question # 3). Try to surround yourself with as many shallow and materialistic people as possible. They’ll be sure to ridicule you for your Bible Belt roots which will only help to spur you into a more correct way of speaking. Mostly out of sheer embarrassment. If this doesn’t work, think about taking a part time job (again, see #3) and look into hiring a vocal coach.  

With this kind of spot-on advice, how can you NOT win!? Remember ladies-what beauty pageants are really about is confidence. As in, people that feel it necessary to get their validation from one usually don’t have any. Keep in mind that those crowns are nothing more than cheap metal and rhinestones (that can be found at any costume store) and any women who needs one in order to feel good about herself is sad indeed. So, if you consider yourself to be a rather stable and self-loving individual, I recommend you don’t bother with it and focus your energy on the stuff that really matters, like college and an actual future.