TV Wasteland

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How to Date a TV Columnist

A mind is a terrible thing to wasteland

By Andrew Hershberger April 21, 2003

Greetings Cinescapers! It's been a hectic time in TV review land and I thought I'd take a cue from good old Sonia Mansfield and give you genre fan women some hot dating tips on how to date a celebrity columnist like myself. (Now men, do understand that these rules apply only to myself and, I assume, every single other male TV columnist in the world.) So without further ado, ladies get ready to date ... me.

Be alive: This is important. Most columnists are not into necrophilia. They want to show off their girlfriend to their pals and not just at mortician conventions.

Be available: TV columnists are a picky lot, they like women they can date. Not being willing to date the TV columnist puts a big damper on the whole situation and the TV columnist will be forced to obsess. This takes valuable time out of the TV columnists TV watching schedule and if the TV columnist cannot focus on TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL what good is he?

Be into TV: You'd think this was a given, but you'd be surprised how many times a TV columnist hears things like "can't you just turn off the TV for a second so we can cuddle" and "what is your obsession with THE SUPERFRIENDS." These are turn offs. (A turn on is thinking Jeff Foxworthy is funny.)

Don't be one of those psycho girls. If you're one of those psycho girls we will tell all our friends about you on various internet chat lines. Things that make you a psycho girl are:

Prone to stabbing your TV columnist boyfriend

Prone to killing your TV columnist boyfriend

Disliking anything your TV columnist boyfriend likes

Wearing plaid with stripes.

Think the Monkees are the greatest rock band ever: If I need to explain this one to you, you are out.

Own a car: I don't have a car, and I'm not about to do public transportation. Hey, I'm giving you my love, the least you can do is give me you car.

Know how to cook: I don't, so unless you want to starve, you better start learning how to use the toaster and that big thing we call an oven.

Shut up when I'm watching TV: Yeah you heard that right, and you better shut your mouth about it cause I'm watching TV right now. Heck, as far as you're concerned I'm always watching TV.

Well that covers the basics. So ladies best start practicing right now!

Alright, alright, I was just kidding. Please don't take any of the above seriously. What you should take seriously though is the amazing amount of television awaiting you during prime time this week, a selection of which is listed below.

(By the way ladies, and gentlemen, if you want to complain, congratulate, or converse drop me a line at feedback@cinescape.com.)

MONDAY, APRIL 21

STARGATE SG-1 (7 pm, SCI-FI) 1) A person with a contagious disease is brought to earth. (Repeat) 2) One of those trial episodes, trial as in judicial (Repeat)

BUFFY's season seven cast: James Marsters, Anthony Stewart Head, Nicholas Brendon, Michelle Trachtenberg, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Alyson Hannigan, and Emma Caulfield

3) Survivors of doomed planet rescued (Repeat) 4) Trapped in a glacier, what a clich�, happened to me yesterday. (Repeat) Yes it's 4 hours of yesterday's STARGATE. Now you know how us DR. WHO fans feel.

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (8 pm, NIK) Let me get this straight a sponge is writing an essay and pretending to be stupid. How the hell did an inanimate object get saddled with so much responsibility? The people who write this are all on something.

HELP ME! I CAN'T HELP MYSELF (8 pm, ABC) No, it's not that boring Beatles movie, it's a show about addictions and treatments. Title has the same rhythm as "I've fallen and I can't get up." Tried it out at work, no response except agreement and denial of help.

CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) A still breathing toddler covered in blood leads to the discovery of a slaughtered family in this repeat.

TUESDAY, APRIL 22

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (8 pm, UPN)

Michael Gross in TREMORS: THE SERIES

The gang looks to annihilate Ubervampire (Uber? What's with the German). Giles brings in some new slayers. Spike gets tormented by one of these new novices, becomes Uberpissed. Fans get frustrated. Another repeat and only five weeks to go before the show is over?

SMALLVILLE (9 pm, WB) Clark freaks out on a person who tries to harm Lana. Injuries result, and Clark feels bad. With ultimate power comes ultimate breakage.

24 (9 pm, Fox) It's 3 in the morning and Jack is being tortured, by thoughts of what life would have been like with Julia Roberts.

FRIDAY THE 13^TH PART V: A NEW BEGINNING (9 pm, TNN) Jason isn't even Jason in this throwaway sequel. Guy playing Jason would have got away with it too, if not for some meddling kids.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23

TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCIFI) "Mix-master" creates a monster that is half plant and half animal.

C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) and his droid companion R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) in the desolate wastelands of Tatooine in STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE

Vegetarians' undecided on if it's ok to eat.

ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN), An alien from one race has to treat an alien from a race hostile towards theirs. Meanwhile the rest of the crew demonstrate to viewers how to play it safe on the stock market, as UPN gently tries to turn the show into one about personal finance and gain.

ANGEL (9 pm, WB) It's up to Fred to save the gang from Jasmine. Would you put your life in the hands of someone named Fred?

THE TWILIGHT ZONE (9 pm, UPN) 1) A magician gives rival his famous trick ... on picking up the ladies. It's "hey baby, what's your sign." Rival strikes out. 2) A babysitter fears a kid's dolls are out to get her. Kids, this is your only chance to see Barbie go blitzkrieg.

THURSDAY, APRIL 24

SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH (8 pm, WB) A trip to the Bermuda triangle leaves Sabrina powerless, and that's when a hurricane hits. Sabrina gets cold feet on her wedding day, how can she marry when she loves Satan sooooooo much.

FRIDAY THE 13TH, PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN
© 2002 Paramount Home Video
FRIDAY THE 13^TH, PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN (9 pm, TNN) Is it just me or do these films just keep getting better? OK, it's just me.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) A comedian's death is similar to one across town, but much funnier.

WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A boxer disappears before a fight, ROCKY marathon blamed.

FRIDAY, APRIL 25

THE 6^TH MAN (8 pm, UPN) A guy returns from the dead to help his brother's basketball team. Proving once and for all dead kin is ripe material for laughs.

AMERICA'S MOST TALENTED KIDS (8 pm, ABC) This week the baby goats display such abilities as grazing, head butting and braying.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (10 pm, CBS) Investigations include a drive by shooting, the murder of an Internet company employee and why Carrot Top can get high paying jobs.

SATURDAY, APRIL 26

BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD DO AMERICA (6 pm, VH1) Cavities get searched, crotches get kicked, and a hippie gets hit in the stomach with a rifle butt. One of America's finest comedies, from the man who brought us OFFICE SPACE.

FORREST GUMP (8 pm, ABC) Ignorance is bliss, and profitable, in this multi-Oscar winning film.

HUNTER (8 pm, ABC) OH MY GOD, HUNTER is back!!! Thank you God, Thank you!

SUNDAY, APRIL 27

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (7 pm, ABC) How much Moses can you take? Not enough when it's Chuck Heston taking on the role. New enhanced version has Moses traveling to a strange land of talking apes.

Richard Dean Anderson leads the cast of STARGATE: SG-1 as Colonel Jack O'Neill
© 2002 USA Networks
STAR WARS (8 pm, TBS) Does anybody need to know what this one is about? Well, tough.

THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) 1) Homer's song about hating Ned gets interest from David Byrne. Homer declares Byrne the most boring songwriter of the 20^th century and kicks him square in the jimmies. 2) A judge emancipates Bart. Homer, well, Homer does something stupid. (Repeat)

CHARMED (8 pm, WB) 1) An old lady tries to steal Piper's baby. 2) Cole replaces Phoebe with a shape shifter. Piper and Paige prefer the change. (Repeat)

ALIAS (9 pm, ABC) The group tries to prevent an apocalyptic event from occurring, the lowering of beef prices. Well it would be apocalyptic if you were a cow.

DRAGNET (10 pm, ABC) A missing woman is found dead, but missing cat is found in tree. Tree is dead. Horticulturist suspected of not watering.

And so ends another chapter in the saga of TV Wasteland, so don't forget, if you have a show that you'd like seen in this column drop a line to feedback@cinescape.com. We will try to include them in future columns. (Sorry, requests to remove columnist will not be granted, unless you've got ten bucks burning a hole in your pocket. Just make the check payable to CINESCAPE.)

TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.