Greetings Cinescapers! It's been a hectic time in TV review land and I thought I'd take a cue from good old Sonia Mansfield and give you genre fan women some hot dating tips on how to date a celebrity columnist like myself. (Now men, do understand that these rules apply only to myself and, I assume, every single other male TV columnist in the world.) So without further ado, ladies get ready to date ... me.
Well that covers the basics. So ladies best start practicing right now!
Alright, alright, I was just kidding. Please don't take any of the above seriously. What you should take seriously though is the amazing amount of television awaiting you during prime time this week, a selection of which is listed below.
(By the way ladies, and gentlemen, if you want to complain, congratulate, or converse drop me a line firstname.lastname@example.org.)
MONDAY, APRIL 21
STARGATE SG-1(7 pm, SCI-FI) 1) A person with a contagious disease is brought to earth. (Repeat) 2) One of those trial episodes, trial as in judicial (Repeat)
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (8 pm, NIK) Let me get this straight a sponge is writing an essay and pretending to be stupid. How the hell did an inanimate object get saddled with so much responsibility? The people who write this are all on something.
HELP ME! I CAN'T HELP MYSELF (8 pm, ABC) No, it's not that boring Beatles movie, it's a show about addictions and treatments. Title has the same rhythm as "I've fallen and I can't get up." Tried it out at work, no response except agreement and denial of help.
CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) A still breathing toddler covered in blood leads to the discovery of a slaughtered family in this repeat.
TUESDAY, APRIL 22
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (8 pm, UPN)
SMALLVILLE (9 pm, WB) Clark freaks out on a person who tries to harm Lana. Injuries result, and Clark feels bad. With ultimate power comes ultimate breakage.
24 (9 pm, Fox) It's 3 in the morning and Jack is being tortured, by thoughts of what life would have been like with Julia Roberts.
FRIDAY THE 13TH PART V: A NEW BEGINNING (9 pm, TNN) Jason isn't even Jason in this throwaway sequel. Guy playing Jason would have got away with it too, if not for some meddling kids.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23
TREMORS: THE SERIES(8 pm, SCIFI) "Mix-master" creates a monster that is half plant and half animal.
ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN), An alien from one race has to treat an alien from a race hostile towards theirs. Meanwhile the rest of the crew demonstrate to viewers how to play it safe on the stock market, as UPN gently tries to turn the show into one about personal finance and gain.
ANGEL (9 pm, WB) It's up to Fred to save the gang from Jasmine. Would you put your life in the hands of someone named Fred?
THE TWILIGHT ZONE (9 pm, UPN) 1) A magician gives rival his famous trick ... on picking up the ladies. It's "hey baby, what's your sign." Rival strikes out. 2) A babysitter fears a kid's dolls are out to get her. Kids, this is your only chance to see Barbie go blitzkrieg.
THURSDAY, APRIL 24
SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH(8 pm, WB) A trip to the Bermuda triangle leaves Sabrina powerless, and that's when a hurricane hits. Sabrina gets cold feet on her wedding day, how can she marry when she loves Satan sooooooo much.
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) A comedian's death is similar to one across town, but much funnier.
WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A boxer disappears before a fight, ROCKY marathon blamed.
FRIDAY, APRIL 25
THE 6TH MAN(8 pm, UPN) A guy returns from the dead to help his brother's basketball team. Proving once and for all dead kin is ripe material for laughs.
AMERICA'S MOST TALENTED KIDS (8 pm, ABC) This week the baby goats display such abilities as grazing, head butting and braying.
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION(10 pm, CBS) Investigations include a drive by shooting, the murder of an Internet company employee and why Carrot Top can get high paying jobs.
SATURDAY, APRIL 26
BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD DO AMERICA(6 pm, VH1) Cavities get searched, crotches get kicked, and a hippie gets hit in the stomach with a rifle butt. One of America's finest comedies, from the man who brought us OFFICE SPACE.
FORREST GUMP(8 pm, ABC) Ignorance is bliss, and profitable, in this multi-Oscar winning film.
HUNTER (8 pm, ABC) OH MY GOD, HUNTER is back!!! Thank you God, Thank you!
SUNDAY, APRIL 27
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS(7 pm, ABC) How much Moses can you take? Not enough when it's Chuck Heston taking on the role. New enhanced version has Moses traveling to a strange land of talking apes.
THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) 1) Homer's song about hating Ned gets interest from David Byrne. Homer declares Byrne the most boring songwriter of the 20th century and kicks him square in the jimmies. 2) A judge emancipates Bart. Homer, well, Homer does something stupid. (Repeat)
CHARMED (8 pm, WB) 1) An old lady tries to steal Piper's baby. 2) Cole replaces Phoebe with a shape shifter. Piper and Paige prefer the change. (Repeat)
ALIAS (9 pm, ABC) The group tries to prevent an apocalyptic event from occurring, the lowering of beef prices. Well it would be apocalyptic if you were a cow.
DRAGNET (10 pm, ABC) A missing woman is found dead, but missing cat is found in tree. Tree is dead. Horticulturist suspected of not watering.
And so ends another chapter in the saga of TV Wasteland, so don't forget, if you have a show that you'd like seen in this column drop a line to email@example.com. We will try to include them in future columns. (Sorry, requests to remove columnist will not be granted, unless you've got ten bucks burning a hole in your pocket. Just make the check payable to CINESCAPE.)
TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.