I have been having some seriously whacked-out dreams of late. I attribute these nocturnal mind trips to an overabundance of Taco Bell’s big beef burrito and one too many episodes of Charmed.
No longer does my subconscious wander through mystical forests filled with Unicorns and pixie dust. Instead, I find my mindscape filled to the brim with faceless, chainsaw toting men who chase me down dank corridors that I never seem to be able to find my way out of. Basically, think of Resident Evil 4 (the game, not the movie) mixed with a little Silent Hill (ditto) and then crank up the terror ten-fold.
Even though my mind seems to get a kick out making me pee my bed, I still have to hand it to my imagination: It’s quite an amazing thing. I’ve had dreams that are so incredibly real; I could have sworn I was truly awake. Dreams so wonderful; I wished I could have slept forever and dreams so terrifying that I woke up in a cold sweat.
Which brings me to this: walk through any B. Daltons or Borders Books and you’ll find countless dream diaries, how-to guides for lucid dreaming and dream interpretation. It isn’t all patchouli and New Age though, a variety of studies have been conducted to show how humans behave and interact with sleep deprivation and lack of REM (Rapid Eye Movement-linked directly to dreaming). When denied proper rest, almost all individuals exhibit depression and a lack of functionality. No doubt about it, dreams are powerful.
So, what if you were someone who didn’t dream? Whose memories seemed to be lost forever within your soul without any hope of being played out and revisited once the lights were off? What would happen if the Sandman never threw dust in your eyes?
The City of Lost Children, does an astounding job of addressing these very questions. A French film, The City of Lost Children, is a cult classic; often underappreciated save for Sci-Fi fans and indie art houses.
One is a sideshow strongman with the body of an Ox but the heart of a kitten. Often more innocent then the gang of children he ends up trying to help, One’s main goal is to save Denree from the city’s kidnapping ring and Krank’s minions.
The gang of children that One allies himself with is run by the young and beautiful Miette. Stoic and sad, Miette, no longer looks at the world with the eyes of an innocent child. Poverty and hunger have shut away her heart and have burdened her with premature pessimism. Yet, when Miette meets One, a little fire of hope begins to warm her soul once more.
So, how do One and Miette manage to save Denree? DO they manage to save him or is Krank able to succeed at his evil plot? What happens to the other children?
Sadly, I cannot offer help and guidance to the poor, little rug-rats that have already been caught in Krank’s clutches. However, I do have advice for you! Whether you decide to use this information in order to save your own hide, or to pass it on to your little tykes is your call. I just offer up the info-not tell you how to use it. (What am I? Your mom!?)
What To Do If You Are Kidnapped By An Evil Scientist Out To Harvest Your Dreams.
- Make yourself stand out….but not too much!
This one is a toughie. If you find you’ve been kidnapped and don’t think you have the cleverness to pull this off, then I recommend you don’t try it. However, if you think you can make it happen, then by all means do! A successful execution of this will most likely save you from having to go through additional steps.
Make yourself stand out…kinda’. What I mean by this is, you want to be flamboyant enough so that the people coming to rescue you take notice and save you first! Remember, the best way to avoid disaster is to avoid being in the path of it. The quicker you get out of the dragon’s lair the better! Once the evil scientist and his cronies start catching on that their hostages are being rescued, they WILL retaliate. This means that there are going to be a few unfortunate youngsters that, at best, will be left behind and, at worst, will catch a piece of shrapnel to the temple.
- You must have brains and braun. Not just one or the other.
In an event where one must save oneself, a combination of smarts and strength will almost always get you out of any sticky situation. But what if you’re not one of those fortunate few?
First, be honest with yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses? If you have the mental dexterity to go toe to toe with Johnnie Cochran, then I would file you under the “brain” division. If you find that you can’t make change for a dollar but are able to govern the state of California and flex yourself like a beefy Austrian, then I would file you under “braun.”
Once you’ve got yourself sectioned off and established, it’s time to look for a partner. Be cautious but open-minded. Oftentimes the person that seems the least likely choice will be the most loyal and hardworking while the more obvious one will be the first to stab you in the back.**
**Note: If you find someone with a decent amount of beauty, seriously consider letting them join the crew. You will be amazed at how quickly people balk and hesitate when they’re confronted by a pleasant visage.**
- Beware of strangers. Especially ones trussed up like cult members.
**Note: Any person wearing two or more pieces from the Jean Paul Gaultier collection should also be avoided. Even if said piece is vintage.**
- Start a monopoly.
Let’s say that you somehow manage to get yourself caught. First, slap yourself in the face for being a dumb ass and not reading what I typed above. Second, keep calm. Remember, the evil scientist is only after your dreams, not your kidneys. He’s the one with the problem, not you. The proper, American way to look at this is: how can it benefit you? You’ve been blessed with a never-ending supply of the dream stuff; why not make something off of it?
So, how do you do it?
Easy! Let the evil scientist experience a few good nights. Nothing too hard core. Just some mild dreams that will give him a taste of what he desires but will still leave him wanting more. Smoothing out a few crows feet and slimming out that double chin of his is a good way to get the ball rolling.
Once you start entangling him in your web, start holding back. Nothing too sever-just start backing off with the supply. Some days you should be too tired to give him what he wants or just do a mediocre job of it. He’ll get mad, sad and belligerent. Possibly even threatening, but hold tight and don’t give in.
This is when you should start asking for things, like ponies and Transformer toys. Eventually, start raising the stakes of your demands. Eventually, he’ll start catching on to what you’re doing but by that time, it’ll be too late.
Don’t be shy about putting this technique to the test. If this approach works for housewives and girlfriends, it should work for you too!
If you’re young enough where kidnapping is an actual threat, pay close attention to what I’ve spelled out for you in the above paragraphs. Don’t think that just because you’re no longer a pre-teen you’re automatically out of danger. I was just kidnapped two years ago at the young age of 28, so obviously evil scientists the world over have moved up the age bar.