Jessica Chobot
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How to Land Yourself a Great Broad

In honor of Hallmark’s throughout the land decreeing that February is the month of love, I have dedicated this installment of WWJCD to Eros. May all of you reading this find true love and happiness.

(LMFAO! Good luck with that!)

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Behind every great man, there is usually an equally astounding woman cheering for him from the sidelines. Conan had Red Sonja (ok, I know that technically, Ah-nuld’s character in Red Sonja wasn’t Conan. But, c’mon…. we all know it so totally was), Superman had Lois Lane and Wonder Woman, Mulder had Scully, Neo had Trinity and Captain Jean Luc Picard had Dr. Beverly Crusher.

The list goes on and on.

These guys are superstars/ heroes/ men of steel, so it should come as no surprise that they can pull in some high quality ass. However, one must remember that it takes more than good looks and the ability to fly to make a girl’s heart melt. It takes a little something I like to refer to as “class.”

[“Class” as defined by Dictionary.com: Informal. elegance, grace, or dignity, as in dress and behavior: He may be a slob, but his brother has real class].

So how does your normal, everyday Joe Schmoe acquire class and thereby, acquire themselves a righteous female? By watching how the pros do it (and by reading WWJCD: How to Land Yourself a Great Broad)!

WWJCD: How to Land Yourself A Great Broad.

Step 1: Fashion sense.

Having a sense of style is a wonderful thing and an excellent tool in the battle of the sexes. A dapper appearance says many things to a female looking to mate. The first thing to subconsciously pop into her mind as she watches you walk towards her in those nice, new, limited edition Prada sunglasses is: Success. In many female minds “success” equals “security” and security is the pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow.

Lois Lane isn’t going to be caught dead hanging out with some buttoned up, nerdy, underoos-wearing loser like Clark ! She’s going to go for the Man of Steel himself!  After all, what kind of woman could resist a man sporting a red and blue leotard so tight she can tell if he’s ever had a hernia? I know that I sure as Hell wouldn’t be able to resist it!

(Attn: Brandon Routh! Jessica Chobot is single and available. You can contact her at the Mania.com message boards. Thank you).

Superman Returns Final Poster

© Warner Bros.

It’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance, but if you can master the particulars, you’ll have women eating out of your hand in no time.

Confidence is an awesome power. Awesomer than heat vision but not as awesome as flying.

Still, what it lacks in amazement it more than makes up for in everyday practicality: The ability to make mediocre guys a thousand times more desirable than they actually deserve to be. It never fails that women are drawn to confident men because confident men exude a sense of power and power leads to what? Yep-you’ve got it! Stability.

This isn’t a magic potion that only works for a select few either. Confidence can be used to everyone’s advantage.  Just look at a few evil masterminds for the evidence. Destro and the Baroness were deeply in lust! Evil Lynn only answered to Skeletor and even the Joker managed to land himself a little cutie-patootie in Harlequin!

While it sounds like a no-brainer, beware over-achieving in the self love department. Nothing will turn a girl off faster than a hot-winded braggart. The biggest mistake most guys make is allowing themselves to speak. Remember: Loose lips sink ships! Staying silent will allow an air of mystery to surround you. And everyone loves a good mystery.

Step 3: Make money. Lots of money. I’m talkin’ Bruce Wayne kind of money.

In every good woman, there is a little gold digger screaming to be heard. Maybe it’s fair. Maybe it’s not. But it’s there just the same.

No woman wants to have to pay for her own date, I don’t care how liberated they like to say they are! Do you think Catwoman would have given Bruce Wayne (spoiler alert: he’s Batman) the time of day if he wasn’t worth millions??? Hells no.

Maybe there’s no hope for you ever making more than minimum wage. Or perhaps you have a decent job but are sickened by the thought of women only wanting to get with you for your hard-earned cash. If such is the case, then I suggest you start practicing and perfecting Step #2. Otherwise, you’ll be *&^$ out of luck.

If none of the above appeal to you, then a last ditch option is to find yourself a nice, rich couple without a child, get them to adopt you and then suggest you all go to a late night showing at the local theater in the bad part of town.

Step 4:  Don’t be a (meow).

Women like to feel protected and safe, both monetarily and physically. While having a lot of money might bring the girl to you, it’s often not enough to make her stay….faithful. That’s why, more often than not, “kept women” ditch their weakling husband’s boudoir and end up having an affair with the stable hand. There is just something about a guy with six pack abs, tousled dark hair, tanned skin and toned physique that seems to get some women riled up (hmmm…I wonder what it could be???)

What is it that gets the ladies all hot and bothered for beefy studs?  How is it that Fabio still makes money?

Maybe it’s the thought that this perfection of a man could cradle them in his arms like a delicate lil’ Princess. Or it could be the knowledge that if push came to shove, he would/could defend her honor with his fist to someone’s face. Or, maybe it’s just the six pack abs and tight buttocks and promise of rough but incredibly satisfying sex. Who knows? But whatever it is, take note of it and go buy yourself a gym membership. If it works for Harry Potter in Equus, it should work for you too.

Step 5: Get Gorgeous.

While not all men are gorgeous, all men can be gorgeous. What I mean by this is: everyone has something that is attractive about them. I’m not talking about the hippie mantra on how all people are beautiful on the inside and crap (because they’re not. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but most people are dicks). I’m talking bare bones, in-your-face physicality here!

You can be the most jacked-up person on the planet, but no matter how unattractive you are there is something about you that is wonderful. Find that feature and exploit the hell out of it! If it’s your hair, then get yourself a $100.00 + haircut and a lifetime supply of Frederic Fekkai hair products. If it’s your skin, bathe in Evian. If it’s your tight buttocks, then raid the “singer formally known as Prince’s” closet and steal is assless chaps.

Seriously though, steps 1-5 can all be summed up with one sentence: Take care of yourself.  It’s not vanity, its self respect. A person that cares for themselves will be willing and able to care for others. You don’t see a bunch of bums out and about, trying to be heroes and getting the girl; and there’s a reason for that!

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For all you Mania.com members out there, I wish you a Happy (belated) Valentine’s Day. May you all score some booty this month.