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How To Make A Zelda Movie

6/30/2008 6:22:07 AM permalink

Let's face it: transforming a game to a movie isn't easy, and is usually a disaster. "Street Fighter" anyone? How about "Mortal Kombat" or "Super Mario Bros.?"

When I the Mario movie came out, I remember overhearing someone remarking how they needed to make a Sonic The Hedgehog movie. Being a Sega hater in those days, I thought that was the dumbest idea ever. No one would watch a movie about a Sega game!

Well I still think a Sonic movie would be stupid, but for an entirely different reason: it's just too stupid of an idea.

(I did play the Sega Genesis some years later, and I did play Sonic. Makes me wish I could find the old Genesis and copies of Sonic these days.)

But, these days, I often think of what might make a good movie: Legend of Zelda.

The thing is, it could easily be screwed up. And now that Lord of the Rings went and made it's mark, (and the comparisons of Legolas to Link are apparent) a Zelda movie would have to do something fresh and different to not fall into the Rings category.

So how do we make a Zelda movie? Here's a list of things I think that should\should not happen.

1. Cast the inevitable pretty boy to play Link. Our entertainment is driven by sex symbols, and you know they'd cast some model with limited acting abilities anyways, so let's just accept that fact and move on.

2. It has to be a story arc lasting at least 2 movies. Maybe 3 if we can stretch it out. No, I don't mean sequels simply because the first one made money. I mean each movie is just an individual act in the overriding 3 act storyline. A cliffhanger should probably end movies 1 and 2.

3. Not all out mushy romances please. No whining about "but you're a princess, and I'm just a lowly farm boy" or vice versa. Link can probably come across Zelda bathing in some lake while later on Zelda gets her kicks as she has to rip off Link's shirt after he got his ass kicked by some monster and she has to care to his wounds.

Actually, that sounds like a trashy romance novel. Let's skip that latter part.

4. Link and Zelda should be fighting equals for the first installment, then she's captured, or bewitched, or maybe even killed. Well, instead of killed how about mortally wounded.

5. Magic is a must. (*But it can't be overdone. Magic could be used to possibly heal Zelda's fatal wounds, even though we know she'll live to undress Link another day.)
6. It should involve a handful of items: boomerang, arrows, sword, shield, maybe a flute, magic powder, possibly a bomb. But no more, Link can only carry so much in his utility belt.

7. It should be called something like this: LOZ - The Golden Lands, The Shadow Lands, or The Forgotten Lands. Or maybe all 3 if it's made into a 3 parter.

8. Get Miyamoto involved. It's his game, after all. (He can countermand any request I've made here.)

9. Link and Zelda should probably do it. Or not. Whatever.

10. Link should have spent a lot of his youth chopping wood, that way he can have some agility with the sword. Sure it's not exactly swordplay, but more of an intro to swinging heavy things. Besides, no one immediately knows how to use a sword the moment they pick it up.

11. If fairies are involved, they have to be human size.

12. Whoever writes this should have a healthy knowledge of medieval Europe, paganism, shamanism, mythology, Celtic mysticism, etc. And an obvious fondness for the game.

Keep in mind this is just a list of characteristics, not a plot outline.

If anyone wants to voice their opinion (or call me a dumbass for suggesting some of these things) then go ahead. I won't mind.

*PS -- I may think of more things to add to this list, so check back in case updates are made.

Tags: zelda movie


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Date Joined: March 17, 2008