Having lived in LA for a year now, I’ve been privileged enough to observe the sudden influx and idiocy of Hollywood motherhood. It seems as if every star with a vagina wants to have a baby pass through it. If they’re too old for it, they’re adopting. Just go through the list: Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow, Gwen Stefanie, Angelina Jolie, Rosie O’Donnell…the list could go on and on! Hell, even Meg Ryan with her effed-up face is adopting!
It’s been no great secret that I’ve never been a big fan of pregnancy (I think it’s rather disgusting), so I’m probably biased but it seems to me as if having a child is an excuse for most women to become social bullies (what the f*&^ is wrong with those ladies who bring strollers into the mall during the X-mas rush!?) and to stop using their common sense.
While this “I can do whatever I want because I’m preggers” attitude is common enough amongst your ordinary middle-class American knocked up female, it seems ten fold when one is talking about third trimester Hollywood starlets. Don’t agree with me? Then just open any US magazine or newspaper and check out how everyone’s favorite pre-maturely aging sea cow (aka: Britney Spears) is ruining her unfortunate children’s lives.
As terrible as Britney is behaving (not to mention all those tacky Orange County housewives) she’s not the first, nor is she the worst, in the long, long line of bad Hollywood mothers.
Nope! Good ol’ Britney is following in the footsteps of highly talented, beautiful and alcoholic silver screen royalty. Judy Garland and Marlene Dietrich to name a few….but the one woman to take the cake, and whose name is synonymous with child abuse, is lovely and legendary Joan Crawford.
The one movie to do great justice in showcasing Ms. Crawford’s utter insanity (and which has become a cult classic despite the initial response it received) is Mommie Dearest. It was when I was waiting in line at Borders with Mommie Dearest in one hand and US Magazine with Britney’s latest exploits in the other that it struck me that there needed to be a survival guide for all of these unfortunate Hollywood offspring. Therefore I have compiled a list on how to survive a crazy Hollywood mother.
1.) Try not to be an orphan.
Women seem to thrive on outdoing one another. This can be doubly so for ladies whose income stems from the theatrical arts. Therefore when one diva decides to spawn, and eventually receives a significant amount of publicity from it, everyone else who wants some of that attention quickly follows suit. While this is bad enough, the real problems start when older stars need a boost in their careers (aka: Joan Crawford/Madonna/Meg Ryan) and snatch up the first orphan they can get their hands on. Oftentimes, these “stars” are so desperate about their lives, appearances and jobs that they’re usually the craziest of the bunch and will probably take it out on their children.
2.) Boarding school is not a bad thing.
If you do find yourself in the unfortunate position of being a child to a famous and crazy mother try and get out of the house as soon as possible. This is a tough tightrope to cross because you don’t want to piss of your parent enough so that they decide not to support you. Therefore, the best option is boarding school. While it might seem a bit sad and daunting at first, remember that despite being on campus 24 hours a day you’ll still have more freedom than if you were to stay at home. Just make sure to make boarding school sound like your parent’s idea and don’t screw it up when you get there. They could make it worse and send you to a Catholic school/ convent. No amount of abuse compares to the wrath that God can bring down upon your head.
3.) Do not make them jealous.
There’s no greater sin amongst the Hollywood elite than having a bruised ego. While one would think that such petty jealousies could never rear their ugly head between a mother and daughter, it’s actually quite common. Therefore, try to become as much of a wallflower as humanly possible. Nothing is worse for an aging star than to have their own offspring outshine them. Especially if it’s an unspoken familial female rivalry! That being said……
4.) Be a boy.
5.) Do not become attached to your “Uncles.”
Unless you’re a complete moron, you should probably realize by 7 years old that those strange men that walk in and out of your mother’s boudoir are not your relations in any sense of the word. Therefore, do not become attached. The same can be said of her “husbands.” Even if the marriage is legit-it won’t last long, so don’t bother. Get a puppy instead.
6.) Learn to mix drinks.
The faster you learn how to pour together a Tom Collins, the faster you’ll be able to regulate your mother’s alcohol intake. The faster you’re able to regulate your mother’s alcohol intake, the faster you’ll be able to regulate your beatings.
Even though she’s a crazy drunk, she works hard for the money! Don’t insult her by putting your nice clothes on crappy wire hangers from the dry cleaners. Sorry kids, but I fully support Ms. Crawford on this one.
8.) Aspire to bigger and better things, like: conservation.
When your mother gets fired, flips out and starts chopping up the garden at 2am, you do not want to be the one who knows where the axe is. Not only have you saved yourself, but you’ve also saved a tree.
9.) Start saving your pennies for a rainy day…..because there is going to be a lot of them!
Just because you’re the son or daughter of a famous person, doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll end up rich. More often than not famous people use up all their money while they’re alive on things like clothes and coke. Afterwards, there’s nothing to leave the kids even if they wanted to (which they probably don’t).
Even if they do have a couple thousand stored away, they’ll probably leave that to the housekeeper before giving you anything. Especially if they considered you to be the “bad seed.” Also prepare your wife/husband for the inevitable disappointment (I hope Tori Spelling is paying attention to this one). If they marry you and are unprepared for the lack of promised funds, you might find yourself in a divorce settlement shortly after your mother’s funeral.
10.) Remember: revenge is a dish best served cold.No matter how badly you get screwed over by your famous parent, just remember one thing: you have youth and time on your side. Chances are you’ll be able to outlive the head of your family, thereby allowing you the rest of your lifetime to seek out your revenge. There is nothing more valuable than a person’s reputation, and since your parent cannot defend themselves from beyond the grave, you can really stick it to them. If you add some smarts to that patience, you might even be able to make a buck or two.