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The Top 10 Hot But Mostly Bothered Video Game Females

Psychotic video game chicks with too much baggage.

By Soren Bowie     May 29, 2008

"Kitana" who appeared in Mortal Combat II
© Midway

Ask any guy what attributes make a girl attractive and he’ll kick back a list of dimensions, and maybe a personality trait or two just so he doesn’t look like a total dick. But even in candid conversation, most men won’t be honest enough with you—and possibly with themselves—to admit that the secret ingredient baked into every hot girl is a little dash of crazy.

No one knows this secret better than video game designers. Countless hot female characters have been created with disturbing histories and short fuses, making them just as likely to kill as to copulate. While most of these characters have seen immeasurable success, the question arises, is there such a thing as too crazy? Answer: Yes. We’ve compiled a list of the most troubled, volatile and frankly terrifying hotties in the gaming world. As sexy and scantily clad as they may be, these girls just aren’t worth “pulling” for.

10. Kitana

First Appeared In: Mortal Kombat II

Despite numerous battles to the death and the daily stress of being a princess, Kitana has aged extraordinarily well. She is over 10,000 years old and still looks good in a leotard, which is almost exclusively what she wears. Arguably the best fighter in Mortal Kombat II, designers had to dull her character down a little in all subsequent versions. Kitana is also one of the few people who can kick your ass with a fan.


Longstanding Baggage:

Kitana has had her share of sadness. She lost her parents as a child, and became the step-daughter to their murderer, Shao Khan. He trained her as a personal assassin working exclusively for him, until she learned that he was responsible for her parents’ death, and vowed to overthrow him. She also had a quick relationship with Liu Kang before he was killed by the Deadly Alliance. Summed up, everyone she ever loved either died or betrayed her, which takes a toll on a girl.


How She’d Probably Kill You:

Kitana is best known for her Kiss of Doom. After kicking your ass until you can’t move, she will remove her mask and breathe air into your lungs until you explode in a horribly ironic version of CPR. Her deadly mouth alone is enough to destroy at least 80 percent of the fantasy situations guys want to see her in.

9. Rayne

First Appeared In: Blood Rayne

Half human and half vampire, Rayne has devoted her life to revenge. Her primary target is her father, a full-blooded vampire, but she’s not that picky about whom she kills along the way. She’s responsible for the deaths of numerous other vampires, Nazis and anyone else stupid enough to be around when she’s hungry. As a half vampire, she shares some of their drawbacks including a thirst for blood, a weakness to water and a propensity for wearing corsets. Rayne also doesn’t do well in sunlight, but that probably has less to do with her vampiric genes and more to do with her red hair and fair skin.


Longstanding Baggage:

Rayne is a product of rape, which is a tough start for any kid. Her father Kagan raped her mother, then killed off the whole family once Rayne was born, thus ensuring her dependence on him. With well-established daddy issues, she devoted her life to killing anyone like him.


How She’d Probably Kill You:

First off, there’s really no use in hiding because she can see through walls. Her favorite method of killing is to stab you with a wrist-mounted harpoon, then straddle you while drinking your blood. To hold you in place, she has blades mounted on her arms and high-heels. So should you ever find yourself in a domestic dispute with Rayne, never agree to makeup sex unless she’s willing to take off all her accoutrements and wear a bite guard.  

8. Empress of Time

First Appeared In: Prince of Persia- Warrior Within

Duplicitous, self serving and manipulative, the Empress of Time is like a mix tape of all the worst qualities in every hot girl, ever. Plus, she can control time.The Empress, or Kaileena as she’s called, pretends to help the Prince of Persia as he tries to right the time continuum. Ultimately, she leads him into an elaborate trap in order to kill him, all while wearing very little clothing.


Longstanding Baggage:

No one knows much about Kaileena before the Prince meets her, but it’s safe to say she probably has a checkered past. Immortal and living alone on the Island of Time, she’s had a few thousand years to drive herself crazy. She has gained enormous power in her position as Empress, and her self-service has only been perpetuated by Shahdee, another insane, evil, hot girl who works for her.


How She’d Probably Kill You:

Even though she controls time, she doesn’t seem to have the power to banish you from existence or Warrior Within would have been a much shorter game. Instead, she relies on her seduction to lure you into a death trap. While unbuttoning your shirt, she’ll pull you gently closer toward the elevator shaft.

7. Tina Armstrong

First Appeared In: Dead or Alive

Tina is relatively nice, cute and maintains strong morals. At first glance, she seems an ill fit for this list, and she would be… except for her lifelong dream of becoming an actress. Surprise! The glimmer of fame in the eye of any girl should be an automatic red flag of potential insanity. Tina has all the qualities of an aspiring starlet including self-absorption, impudence and lust for celebrity status. She uses the Dead or Alive tournament as a means to gain recognition. Like a bear and its food, you don’t want to stand in the way of her dream or you might get broken in half, which Tina is entirely capable of as a professional wrestler. 


Longstanding Baggage:

Any young girl searching for silver-screen fame needs to overcome someone who doesn’t believe in her so that she can feel righteous in her goal. In Tina’s case, it was her father. In fact, he was so adamant about crushing her dreams of renown that he joined the Dead or Alive team just to fight her, and knock her out of the tournament. But Tina only becomes more determined to win with each new version of the game; the only thing worse than crazy is crazy with an agenda.


How She’d Probably Kill You:

Known for her speed and power she will likely throw you over a shoulder and through a wall faster than you can say, “Let the Dream Die.” Then she will shower you with a series of mid-kicks and high punches until your insides liquefy from the punishment. Come to think of it, this is how a lot of relationships with actresses end.

6. Joanna Dark

First Appeared In: Perfect Dark

Joanna Dark is a futuristic bounty hunter who often gets tangled up in intergalactic conspiracy and espionage. After taking down the sinister weapons corporation who killed her father (Perfect Dark Zero), and uncovering a plot to replace the president of the United Sates with a clone (Perfect Dark), Joanna is understandably a little paranoid. Throw a short temper in with her mistrust and you have the groundwork for a girl who will hack into your email and listen to your phone messages while you’re in the shower.


Longstanding Baggage:

Joanna was born with a broken back, she watched her father die at a young age, and worst of all, she was home schooled. Her only stint in an actual classroom was cut short with an expulsion after hospitalizing another kid. She blames her father’s death on herself and harbors some very serious trust issues.


How She’d Probably Kill You:

With a host of long-range weapons, Joanna is a tough girl to get close to. If you can catch her while she’s reloading, you might be able to sneak in a hug, but beware of her pistol whip and combat knife. Also, she has a tendency to scatter proximity mines wherever she pleases, so don’t walk around too much when she’s not home.

5. Tira

First Appeared In: Soul Caliber III

Affectionately known as “The Misguided Angel of Death,” Tira likes killing so much that it has essentially become an addiction. She decided early on that her life should be entirely devoted to inflicting death, and she does so with a really sharp hula-hoop. Seriously. When she’s not killing to feel normal, she spends her days tracking down a man named Nightmare, whom she fell in love with based only on the stories of his bloody massacres. Though she is unquestionably hot, the addiction to death, and the slaughtering boyfriend would make most people afraid to even fantasize about this bipolar girl.


Longstanding Baggage:

Tira was raised by an assassin group called “Bird of Passage,” where she learned the joys of killing. After the group’s collapse, she found a normal family willing to take her in. For a short time, Tira was able to quell her desire for murder, but only until she was reprimanded for letting the family’s pet bird escape, at which point she killed everyone. She is not a girl who responds well to a raised voice.


How She’d Probably Kill You:

Tira carries a ring blade which basically functions as a circular saw, orbiting around her body. With a few sultry hip thrusts, she would cut you in half and never a shed a tear.

4. Princess Peach

First Appeared In: Super Mario Brothers

Like Helen of Troy, Peach has been the cause of countless battles and lives lost. Generations of gamers have sacrificed sleep, jobs and girlfriends by devoting themselves over and over to the same exhausting struggle: to save that damn princess one more time. Peach has been captured so often that one has to wonder if she’s just doing it for the attention. She’s never been seen without her tiara on, loves the spotlight and insists on being treated like royalty. In other words, she’s lucky she’s hot or no one would put up with her bullshit.


Longstanding Baggage:

She’s a wealthy heir who likes to go slumming with a lowly plumber and his brother. The permanent smile pasted on her face suggests she’s never faced a hardship in her life, and she gets off on being rescued from evil turtles. Her perpetual “damsel in distress” routine screams high maintenance.


How She’d Probably Kill You:

A blue turtle shell. She’d wait until you were driving your kart in 1st place, jumping over some lava and then she’d turn that bitch loose.       

3. Nariko

First Appeared In: Heavenly Sword

Nariko is the bearer of the Heavenly Sword, which she uses to kill entire armies, and which slowly starts to kill her as well. Gorgeous, talented and totalitarian, Nariko sacrifices her own life for the life of her people, and her father. Her drawbacks are her eagerness to kill and also the insane stare that inhabits her face through every cut sequence in the game.  


Longstanding Baggage:

When she wasn’t born a boy, her parents contemplated killing her. A prophecy foretold that a son would be born to wield the sword. Consequently, the entire community, including her father, shunned her just for being a girl and accused her of being the reason for all their misfortunes.But a daddy’s girl through and through, Nariko tried to live up to their expectations by slaughtering entire armies to save them.


How She’d Probably Kill You:

One of Nariko’s most popular moves is to straddle your face with her legs, then spin to the ground while throwing you 50 yards away and simultaneously breaking you neck.It’s an intimate death but you can’t help but feel a little embarrassed that she didn’t even need her sword to kill you.

2. Paine

First Appeared In: Final Fantasy X-2

Cynical, cold, brooding and hardboiled, Paine is essentially a hipster with a giant sword. She is best known for putting down her teammates with clever quips, and for her mysterious past. She can also kick a little ass when the situation calls for it. Paine is aptly named both for damage she causes to her enemies and for her own internal battles. She’s got a short temper and a callous demeanor, none of which make for good girlfriend material.  


Longstanding Baggage:

Paine’s past is intentionally ambiguous to make her appear enigmatic to gamers. From what we know, she struggles with commitment issues after her best friend tried to kill her, and only succeeded in killing her sense of humor. Paine is the girl at the party who will remind everyone that AIDS is still a big problem in Africa.


How She’d Probably Kill You:

She’s not flashy or presentational when killing, so likely you’d only get a sword in the abdomen. It hurts but at least she’s showing you some attention.

1. Kaede Smith

First Appeared In: Killer 7

While you may be able to overlook some of the insanity that breeds in the other women on this list, Kaede Smith is so disturbed that it almost makes Killer 7 impossible to play without crying. She is a shy, gorgeous, barefooted assassin, who wanders from target to target in nothing but a blood-soaked slip. The blood, it should be noted, is her own because Kaede is a cutter. In fact, slitting your own wrists while playing as Kaede, is the only way to advance through some stages; the “blood shower” that ensues reveals hidden passage ways and works to unblock barriers.


Longstanding Baggage:

Kaede only exists as a schizophrenic personality of Harmon Smith, a crippled old man who kills for pay. She is a deadly shot from far distances and is known to moan with pleasure while kicking off the heads of her enemies. Also, did we mention she cuts herself? This girl is so far gone into crazy it’s hard to know where to begin with a diagnosis.


How She’d Probably Kill You:

If the way she handles enemies in the game is any indication of how she’ll kill you, this isn’t going to feel very good. Kaede has the ability to see the weakest point on your body from an incredible distance. She will likely shoot off each of your limbs until you are a writhing torso, then she will shoot you in the face and steal all the plasma in your blood. It’s hard to concoct a fantasy in which she would be much fun. 


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goatartist 5/29/2008 6:49:45 AM
I've shagged 7 out of 10.
steppingrazor66 5/29/2008 8:29:06 AM
Well, this makes me feel so much better on the girl I am seeing now...
chirop1 5/29/2008 10:26:02 AM
I'd like to add my wife's mage from World of Warcraft to the list, mainly because the chick controlling her can be a rampaging psycho 78.5% of the time.
Jaysaw 5/29/2008 12:12:31 PM
Chun Li from Street Fighter II was a pretty hot little temptress. I would love to let her kick the everloving shit out of me.
StarlightGuard 5/29/2008 12:30:09 PM
Well, this redefines the concept of a "slow news day."
bennyhill 5/29/2008 1:35:49 PM
No Laura Croft??? Didn't she pretty much start it all (except for technically Princess Peach). I can't believe she was ommitted.
jacobjoseph 5/29/2008 3:19:25 PM
It's good to see they spelled Mortal KOMBAT correctly.
fft5305 5/29/2008 5:51:49 PM
Ok. For the most part, I don't play most video games. But WTF? No Lara Croft?? Friggin' Tomb Raider? I agree with bennyhill - she pretty much started it all the hot babes in video games. Princess Peach may have been earlier, but she looks more like a 12 year-old girl than a hot babe. Lara was the one that started the hot, busty babes in skimpy clothing. Bad list writer! Bad!
NotAFan 5/30/2008 1:19:00 AM
WTF? NO Ms. Pac-man? She was the original "Hot But Mostly Bothered Video Game Female". Man just look at that bow! HOT HOT HOT! Oh Ms. Pac-man I would sex that bow right off your head. Eat those dots you naughty, naughty girl.
snallygaster 5/30/2008 7:25:27 AM
I really can't agree with those who believe Lara Croft belongs on this list. Remember this is a list of not just hot video game babes, but "...the most troubled, volatile and frankly terrifying hotties in the gaming world. As sexy and scantily clad as they may be, these girls just aren’t worth “pulling†for." Lara's crazy, but "crazy like a fox" as the saying goes. She's really no more nuts than Indiana Jones. She's a risk-taker, but who wouldn't be a risk-taker when you've got a reset button to bring you back to life?
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