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Top 5 Comic Non-Issues

Comicscape: WONDER WOMAN
© Mania

The internet was created for two things and two things alone: porn and violent geek fights. Since Mania has yet to approve our pitch for Pornscape, we’ll have to settle for the latter and talk about some of the hot button topics currently scuttling around the interwebs. And maybe we’ll get our chance to combine the two when we check out that Batman porno somewhere down the road.

In keeping with the popular internet theme of complaining about things that are totally irrelevant, this week’s edition of Comicscape is dedicated to those news stories we’ve deemed utterly uninteresting and almost worthless. When it comes to comic fans, we’ve all got issues. But here are 5 stories we consider non-issues when it comes to real news.

5. X-Vampires

If not for the fact that Marvel has a long history with vampires, this one might actually make us angry. Really Marvel? Jumping on the Twilight bandwagon and combining it with the X-Men? It’s like when the chocolate met the peanut butter, only the chocolate is a big smelly turd and the peanut butter is … well, it’s just another turd, only one that has the consistency of that which might be found in a baby’s diaper. It’s like a turd Voltron, comprised of 5 robotic fecal lions, joining together to form an unstoppable pile of crap. Or, it’s just another stupid X-Crossover that’ll be just as boring as the last. And for the record: yes, we tried to read it and no, it wasn’t any good.

But we’ll let Marvel slide based on the fact that they’ve got a long history with vampires – Tomb of Dracula was an amazing series, one of the few that actually benefits from the Essential treatment. The lack of color somehow makes Gene Colan’s delicious pencils look even creepier and ten times as beautiful. And of course, it seems like Chris Claremont did his damndest to work Dracula into the X-Men whenever the opportunity arose. So it does fit into continuity and as such, rather than seem offensive, it just seems silly. Color us uninterested.

4. Wonder Woman’s New Costume

Are we still talking about this? Were we ever talking about this?

It’s a shame when comic books finally manage to make it into mainstream media and it’s a topic that comic fans actually don’t care about. Does anyone out there actually think this is going to last? Are any of you actually offended? Yes, the costume looks like a Youngblood reject from the mid-90’s. That’s it. It’s really not offensive, it’s not unpatriotic and ultimately, it doesn’t matter.

In a year from now, it’ll all go back to normal. Her traditional history and costume will return and we’ll all breathe a sigh of relief. And in the meantime… judging by what we saw in Wonder Woman #600, this might actually be a good story!

[Editors Note: This, on the other hand, truly offends us]

3. Ed Norton Isn’t Playing the Hulk

Okay, we’ll admit that even we’re a little disappointed by this one, but not the least bit surprised. And in all honesty, does Bruce Banner even need to be in the Avengers movie?

As of right now, we’re looking at Captain America, Thor, Iron Man and Black Widow. Add War Machine and Ant Man as very strong “probablies” and figure Hawkeye and Wasp will be in the mix as well. And we don’t even know who the villain(s) will be! Does it matter if Ed Norton isn’t playing Banner? Does it even matter if Banner is in the movie at all? We just want Hulk and we want him smashing! Puny Banner need not apply!

Ed Norton was fantastic as Banner in The Incredible Hulk and we’d love to see him reprise the role. But when you really get down to it, Avengers just needs to be a big superhero throwdown. Ultimately, it really doesn’t matter much. We’ve already forgotten this was an issue.

2. Return of the Black Lanterns

In the internet game of Jeopardy, the clue was “No One Cares” and the answer, in the form of question, came from DC’s offical blog, The Source which offered a teaser image accompanied by the headline “What is October’s Return of the Black Laterns?”

Seriously, DC? We liked Blackest Night a lot and we’ve actually found Brightest Day to be decent (at least half of it is) but this is really beating a dead horse. There’s probably not much of a horse left at this point, to be honest. Just a bloody, pulpy mass of flesh and bone that was formerly a horse, soon to be resurrected – not by a black ring, but by a the shrill chiming of a cash register.

Yawn.

1. San Diego Comic Con

Right, like anybody goes to this thing anymore! Like the possibility of seeing Green Lantern and Thor footage excites anybody. As if any geek cares about the Walking Dead tv show or exclusive toys or meeting celebrities or getting autographs from their favorite creators or… What? No! We’re not the least bit jealous that we won’t be there! Whatever gave you that impression?

Seriously folks… if you’re headed out to San Diego, have a great time and be sure to share your stories here on Mania!

In addition to contributing Comicscape and weekly comic reviews to Mania.com, Chad Derdowski also takes part in the Zod Complex Podcast. Four geeks, a big stack of comics and your iPod or MP3 player adds up to roughly one hour per week of extreme nerdery. Find it at ZodComplex.com!