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TV Wasteland: In Like a Lion
March arrives with little fanfare on the Wasteland
By Rob Vaux
March 04, 2013
The first week of March proves to be a fairly quiet one, with a lot of shows hauling out reruns and more just entering their post-sweeps stride. Here’s what’s coming up in the next seven days.
The Following (Fox, 9:00 PM EST)
Carroll tries to get moved to another holding spot, while Emma and Joey arrange a meeting with one of Roderick’s men.
Continuum (Syfy, 8:00 PM EST)
A video game company forms a tenuous link between two murder-suicides that take place on the exact same day.
Being Human (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Josh proposes to Nora, while Sally’s mortal remains have apparently gone a bit gamey.
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Bo heads back to the farm to deal with her past and receive some new traumas as well. Rapture!
Kick-Ass (Spike, 10:00 PM EST)
I don’t know how the sequel will do, but the original is one of the best superhero movies ever made. Repeats Tuesday at 7:15 PM EST.
The Chronicles of Riddick (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
After a rough theatrical run, this sequel to Vin Diesel’s Pitch Black is getting a second look. People seem to like what they see.
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (FMC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:00 PM EST)
Sequels don’t get any more hackneyed and uninspiring than this one.
Ghost Rider (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
I’d say it sucks, but then again, I’ve seen Part 2.
Battleship (HBO, 9:00 PM EST)
Thankfully, there will be no Part 2 to this Taylor Kitsch-starring turkey.
John Carter (Starz, 6:45 PM EST)
Poor old Kitsch just took it on the chin last year. This one, sadly, really didn’t deserve it.
Face Off (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The contestants need to create monster make-up that glows in the dark. It’s a double-elimination round this week, so the stakes are high.
Robot Combat League (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
They’re sparse on the details this week. On the other hand, there’s not a whole lot to this show besides the robots fighting.
The Transporter (AMC, 10:31 PM EST)
Jason Statham set up a nice little franchise for himself, playing a criminal driver who helps a young kidnapped woman. The movies were never great shakes, but they really gave Statham a boost.
Zodiac (FMC, 7:00 PM EST and 10:30 PM EST)
David Fincher’s obtuse, almost impenetrable look at the hunt for the Zodiac killer still retains the perverse fascination of his best work.
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (HBO, 8:00 PM EST)
Robert Downey’s second turn as the famous detective turns out to be a massive disappointment.
Groundhog Day (IFC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:15 PM EST)
Bill Murray was never better, was he?
The Haunted Mansion (Starz, 7:30 PM EST)
If you ever need a reminder of how good The Pirates of the Caribbean movies are, just remember that they could have been this.
The Amazing Spider-Man (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
Sony reboots the superhero franchise with solid results. Repeats on Friday at 6:40 PM EST.
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Sundance, 8:00 PM EST)
Sundance, one of the few cable stations with some integrity left, airs the original Scandinavian version.
Dreamworks Dragons: Riders of Berk (Cartoon, 8:00 PM EST)
Fishlegs finds a rare gem that puts a group of Changewings on his tail.
Haunted Collector (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The team checks out a haunted farm and a haunted nightclub.
Bell, Book and Candle (TCM, 9:00 PM EST)
Twilight fans take note: this dated 1950s movie about a clan of witches in modern New York has aged extremely poorly. Your franchise is looking to do the same thing.
Alice in Wonderland (ABC Family, 6:00 PM EST)
It still looks good and still has nothing else to offer.
Twilight (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EST)
Remember how magical it was when it all began? Me neither. Repeats Thursday at 6:30 PM EST.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (AMC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:31 PM EST)
*Checks* Yup. Those Oompa-Loompas are still creepy.
The Shining (BBC America, 8:00 PM EST)
You can always count on the BBC to class things up with a legendary horror picture.
Knight and Day (FX, 7:30 PM EST)
Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz still have some moves left. Repeats on Saturday at 8:00 PM EST and 10:30 PM EST.
Transporter 3 (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Jason, Jason, Jason…
Signs (IFC, 10:15 PM EST)
M. Night Shyamalan’s tale of alien invasion has a lot of goofiness, but still retains a surprising amount of power.
The Fantastic Four (Spike, 8:00 PM EST)
Here’s a series in dire need of a reboot. Apparently, one is in the works.
The Guardian (Spike, 10:30 PM EST)
I can never hate Mario Van Peebles, no matter how many crappy movies he makes.
The Fog (Starz, 7:10 PM EST)
Find the John Carpenter original rather than sitting through this one. You’ll be glad you did.
Underworld: Awakening (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
And… franchise is over. Thanks for playing.
Priest (Starz, 10:30 PM EST)
I can tolerate a lot for Paul Bettany’s sake, but there’s too much wasted potential in this one.
Arrow and Supernatural are both reruns tonight.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EST)
Raj finally seems to have a girl, and preps himself for a date while the other guys talk science to a group of junior-high students.
Zero Hour (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
Vincent gets hurt and Lalia comes to his aid, hoping to find a way to escape in the process.
King of the Nerds (TBS, 10:00 PM EST)
The new king is crowned from the surviving three contestants, who must face down a maze and a trivia test.
Volcano (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
Tommy Lee Jones headlines a ridiculous disaster flick about a volcano that erupts in the La Brea Tar Pits. Personal note: back when they were shooting, I got chased off of the set by a surly security guard.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Douglas Adams’ iconic sci-fi satire gets a reliable treatment on the big screen.
The Omen (IFC, 10:15 PM EST)
STINKY REMAKE!!! REMAKE BAD!!!
Elementary, The Vampire Diaries and Beauty and the Beast are reruns.
Grimm (NBC, 9:00 PM EST)
Nick has to investigate a crime he himself committed, even while he grapples with revelations about Juliette and Renard.
Nikita (The CW, 8:00 PM EST)
Stefan’s men capture Nikita and Amanda, who must put their differences aside to get free.
Spartacus: War of the Damned (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
Crassus attacks the city, even while plotting some bit of horribleness behind the scenes.
Merlin (Syfy , 10:00 PM EST)
Merlin shows Arthur how Gwen betrayed him, and Arthur vows to bring his lady love back from the Dark Side.
X2: X-Men United (FMC, 8:00 PM EST)
Bryan Singer helmed this one. He’s also helming Days of Future Past. And they wonder why we’re so excited.
Constantine (AMC, 7:30 PM EST)
I have to admit it: I kind of dig Keanu Reeves here.
The Day After Tomorrow (Cinemax, 7:50 PM EST)
They outrun the cold front. That is all.
Transporter 2 and 3 (Spike, 7:00 PM EST and 9:00 PM EST)
Spike gives you an evening full of mediocre Jason Statham sequels. Also Axe ads. Are you excited yet?
Inglourious Basterds (TNT, 8:00 PM EST)
How much does Christoph Waltz love Quentin Tarantino these days?
Lake Placid 3 (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
I know there’s just one question on everyone’s mind: there was a Lake Placid 2?
Flying Monkeys (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
It has nothing to do with Oz. They just gave it this name to ride those Great and Powerful coattails.
Underworld (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
They just need to show us Kate Beckinsale stride around in that catsuit and call it a movie. Oh wait: they did.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (AMC, 10:30 PM EST)
Someone needs to get Sean Connery out of retirement just so that his career doesn’t end on this turkey.
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (Cartoon, 7:00 PM EST)
A great film that – like many other great films – is really pushing its luck with a sequel.
Zombieland (FMC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:00 PM EST)
I’m not a big fan of this one, but I do appreciate the fact that the zombie apocalypse is getting its own subgenres.
The Walking Dead (AMC, 9:00 PM EDT)
Rick and the Governor mull the possibility of a peace treaty… which I wouldn’t bet on personally.
Once Upon a Time (ABC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Rumplstiltskin plays his usual games in a story set in the fairy tale universe.
Ice Quake (Syfy , 7:00 PM EDT)
Syfy dedicates its Sunday to wintery environmental disaster movies.
Snowmageddon (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Okay, this one features an evil snow-globe, but still.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (Cinemax. 8:15 PM EDT)
The sequel’s starting to look really good, but matching the original is going to be a tall order.
Knowing (FMC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:30 PM EDT)
If you look closely, you can spot the exact moment this Nicolas Cage vehicle leaves the rails.
Apocalypse Now (IFC, 6:00 PM EDT)
I don’t like commercials in general but interrupting Francis Ford Coppola’s masterpiece to sell us beer is an absolute abomination.
Rambo 4 (IFC, 9:15 PM EDT)
Thank you , Sylvester Stallone, for teaching us how to enjoy death again.
XXX: State of the Union (Starz, 7:15 PM EDT)
They’re not going to stop screening this, are they?