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TV Wasteland: Time to Play...
Game of Thrones returns. 'Nuff said.
By Rob Vaux
March 25, 2013
Easter Sunday means a lot more than eggs and church services for genre fans this year: Game of Thrones returns for its third season! The second season ended with King Joffrey handing out the goodies after his great victory, and Tyrion plotting a comeback after the unsuccessful attempt on his life. Oh yeah, and then there’s that army of inhuman monsters marching on the Night’s Watch. Good times!
As has been observed, Game of Thrones constitutes a watershed in fantasy television: a show that not only works, but remains true to its source material while taking full advantage of the lengthy format that television offers. Indeed, one wonders why more fantasy properties haven’t been snapped up for production… though considering the glut of fantasy movie garbage that followed in the wake of The Lord of the Rings, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. In the interim, we still have one of the highlights of the year to keep us warm. At least until those White Walkers finally get here.
Game of Thrones premieres this Sunday at 9:00 PM EDT on HBO. Happy Easter!
Revolution (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
New episodes return as Miles tries to lead the rebels out of Philadelphia and Rachel tries to mend fences by getting them some power.
The Following (Fox, 9:00 PM EDT)
Joe sends out a team to capture Claire while Jacob and Emma have a tension-filled reunion.
Being Human (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Josh runs into a vampire stripper while hunting for a cure to Sally’s curse. Eh, it’s been done…
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Bo, Kenzi and Dyson infiltrate a camp for at-risk kids in the search for a serial killer.
Chernobyl Diaries (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
A cool setting doth not a decent horror movie make. Repeats Friday at 9:30 PM EDT.
Push (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
This forgotten little exercise in comic-book mayhem – about people with mental abilities hunted by the government – is well-worth rediscovering
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
Holmes takes on Professor Moriarty in one of the bigger disappointments of the last few years.
Face Off (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Season 4 ends with a new winner chosen from efforts to create a waterproof look.
Robot Combat League (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Another round of fighting this week, with specifics apparently left to our imaginations.
Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (Sundance, 8:00 PM EDT)
Forest Whitaker plays a modern-day hitman operating according to the code of bushido in the unquestioned movie highlight of the evening.
Green Lantern (Cinemax, 6:35 PM EDT)
It’s not Ryan Reynolds’ fault, I’ll give him that much.
Final Destination 5 (Cinemax, 8:30 PM EDT)
I won’t call it great, but its earthy pleasures will work for the right sort of fan.
The Long Kiss Goodnight (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Shane Black’s great dialogue drives this bloody tale of an assassin who loses her memory. Geena Davis makes a pretty darn good action star.
Iron Man 2 (FX, 6:30 PM EDT)
The low point of Marvel’s Phase One has some good elements, but can’t put them together in a way that really works. Repeats on Saturday at 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT.
Arthur Christmas (Starz, 7:20 PM EDT)
Everything works with Aardman’s charming holiday fable… even if they’re airing it at the end of March.
Arrow (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
A new killer called “The Savoir” attempts to punish the wicked, which Oliver is presumably not down with.
Supernatural (The CW, 9:00 PM EDT)
The Winchesters uncover a group of orphans – all of whom lost parents to vampires – now being trained as vampire hunters.
The Terminator (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
He’ll be back… just never as great as he is here.
Battlestar Galactica (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
The BBC airs the “original” miniseries which set off the now-legendary reboot.
Enchanted (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Disney’s live-action parody of its own princess movies wouldn’t work as well as it does were it not for the marvelous Amy Adams.
Legion (FMC, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
What can I say? I have a weak spot for Paul Bettany.
I, Robot (HBO, 7:30 PM EDT)
Will Smith does love him the science fiction, doesn’t he?
Hostel Part II (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Eli Roth returns to the torture porn formula he helped create, with severely diminished results.
The Omen (IFC, 10:00 PM EDT)
I was never a fan of the 1976 original, and I can’t say this remake improves matters any.
The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
Elena goes looking for Katherine and bumps into Elijah along the way.
Beauty and the Beast (The CW, 9:00 PM EDT)
Cat and Tess get cozier, while Evan revises his option of Cat. Possibly, the two are related.
The Woman in Black (Showtime, 6:55 PM EDT)
Daniel Radcliffe has apparently dedicated himself to scaring the pants off of us. Case in point…
Men in Black 3 (Starz, 6:30 PM EDT)
The moribund franchise recovers with a nice effort here, thanks in part to Josh Brolin’s spot-on impersonation of Tommy Lee Jones.
Contact (Syfy, 8:00 PM EDT)
Carl Sagan is a very smart man, and the movie version of his book tries to emulate that intelligence. Pity it gets really boring in the interim.
Resident Evil (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Milla Jovovich never has to work again after anchoring this franchise based on the popular video game. Good thing too: it would be unwatchable without her.
The Day After Tomorrow (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Global warming is reduced to a disaster movie cartoon, thanks to the tender machinations of Roland Emmerich.
Cars (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
I know John Lasseter’s proud of it. He’s about the only one.
The Big Bang Theory is off for basketball. Jocks beat nerds yet again, it seems…
Grimm (NBC, 9:00 PM EDT)
Nick and Hank take on a Wesen murderer in cyberspace. Fans want this show moved from Friday, but considering the state of the network these days, I wouldn’t mess with anything that works.
Touch (Fox, 9:00 PM EDT)
Martin searches for Dr. Teller’s original patient. He finds him on death row. Step lively, Martin, before they throw the switch!
Nikita (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
Nikita wants the president of Chad out of the picture for some reason, causing disruption within her ranks.
Batman Begins (Spike, 8:00 PM EDT)
Really, it was only a matter of time before Spike started showing this one.
A Clockwork Orange (Sundance, 10:00 PM EDT)
Stanley Kubrick’s dystopian masterpiece hasn’t lost a step, and Sundance knows how to treat its movies with respect.
Watchmen (TNT, 8:00 PM EDT)
The much-maligned – and actually quite impressive – comic book adaptation arrives on TNT for a no-doubt lengthy run.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (USA, 8:00 PM EDT)
The second one is better, but here’s the first one in case you need proof.
Starship Troopers (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Paul Verhoeven isn’t exactly a subtle director, is he?
The A-Team (FX, 7:00 PM EDT)
Ah, the plan… and the way it comes together…
Iron Man (FX, 10:00 PM EDT)
Robert Downey blows our socks off in a faithful and entertaining version of the Marvel Comics hero.
Signs (IFC, 7:45 PM EDT)
It’s a good film, but if water is toxic to you, you really should find another world to invade…
Spartacus: War of the Damned is a rerun this week. They’re cutting down on the blood-soaked boobs for Easter.
Doctor Who (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
It’s The Doctor vs. the Spoonheads as the long-running BBC series returns to great fanfare. Check out Confessions of a Neowhovian at www.neowhovian.com
for all the details!
The Ten Commandments (ABC, 7:00 PM EDT)
They’re running this for Easter, but it’s actually a Passover movie. Way to go guys.
The Wizard of Oz (Cartoon, 6:30 PM EDT)
Another great Easter movie… if your religion somehow involves giant disembodied heads and melting wicked witches.
Snow White and the Hunstman (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
The tabloid scandal has overshadowed this revamped fairy tale, and for good reason. It’s not especially memorable. Repeats on Sunday at 6:45 PM EDT.
Real Steel (Showtime, 9:30 PM EDT)
Hugh Jackman steals the show, along with a little boy who shines in a movie that should be overwhelmed by giant robots.
Blade II (Syfy, 6:30 PM EDT)
Guillermo del Toro sends this franchise into overdrive, thanks to his finely honed sense of glop.
Resident Evil: Afterlife (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
One of the better entries in the Resident Evil series finds Alice trapped in a Los Angeles prison.
Mulan (ABC Family, 7:05 PM EDT)
Disney’s latter-day princess movies received a shot in the arm with a great tale of a Chinese peasant who disguises herself as a man to enlist.
The Lion King (ABC Family, 9:00 PM EDT)
Over. Rated. Repeats on Sunday at 7:00 PM EDT.
The Mummy (TNT, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:30 PM EDT)
I can never stay angry at Brendan Fraser thanks to this cheerfully popcorn-y adventure film.
Game of Thrones (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
The new season begins as Jon meets The King Beyond the Wall and Daenerys looks for some new buddies. See the top of the article for more.
The Walking Dead (AMC, 9:00 PM EDT)
And what better way to celebrate Easter than with an impending attack from the Governor?
Doctor Who: The Doctors Revisited (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Sean Pertwee, AKA Doctor Number Three, is featured in this episode from 1970.
Megamind (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Will Ferrell takes his stunted man-child to the comic-book realm, with agreeably super results.
Beauty and the Beast (ABC Family, 9:00 PM EDT)
They don’t get any better than Disney’s classic romance, the first animated feature ever to be nominated for Best Picture.
Van Helsing (Starz, 7:45 PM EDT)
Hugh Jackman hurts us. But the rest of the movie hurts us more.
The Bourne Ultimatum (TNT, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
Jason Bourne returns to New York to answer questions about his past in the franchise’s ripping third entry.
A Bug’s Life (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Pixar reimagines Seven Samurai from an insect’s point of view. Not their best film, but fun in its own way.
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (Cinemax, 8:20 PM EDT)
Nothing fun here, unless you like watching The Rock fly around on a badly rendered giant bumblebee.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (FMC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Stephanie Meyer already fucked up vampire stories; she may as well fuck up alien invasion stories too.
Casino Royale (Syfy, 8:00 PM EDT)
A little Bond will close out our week nicely.
Once Upon a Time is a rerun this week.