Truly Good, Truly Gone

By: David Michael Wharton
Date: Monday, April 25, 2005

HOLLYWOODLAND - Tragedy struck the world of genre television last week when TRU CALLING was run down and killed by a cross-town bus driven by Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.

This week should have marked the airing of the last filmed episode of TRU CALLING. Instead, Fox yanked it from the schedule and replaced it with extra episodes of THE SIMPLE LIFE (the show that conclusively proves that you don't need talent, intelligence, or any discernable redeeming qualities whatsoever to succeed in Hollywood). Granted, Calling was technically already dead, so we should perhaps be glad that we were able to see as much of the aborted second season as we did. However, denying fans that final episode, after the drawn-out process of greenlighting a second season, cutting its episode order, effectively canceling it, and then finally granting reprieve to a batch of episodes that raised the bar far above the corpse-of-the-week shenanigans of the first season, seems arbitrary and cruel. Which probably shouldn't surprise us, since the world of network television is arbitrary and cruel on the best of days.

Still, pulling TRU only one episode from the end and instead offering up Paris freaking Hilton (as convincing an argument for abortion as I have ever seen) seems one degree shy of personally visiting each TRU believer, tying them to a chair, and forcing them to watch while a phalanx of programming execs dressed in bondage gear violate their sainted grandmother and run their childhood pets through a wood chipper.

STRANGE LUCK, HARSH REALM, FIREFLY, WONDERFALLS, THE TICK, ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE...how many unique, intriguing shows have burned on the Fox pyre? The truly sad thing is, this is the network that once gave us THE X-FILES. But does anyone really think Mulder and Scully would have survived to their second season in the current climate?

Next season's slate of pilots is rife with fantastical material (which may or may not be fantastic). Of those, Fox will no doubt spawn several wildly creative shows that will attract the attention of viewers who want more from their television than watching real people confirm that most real people are really dull. But would anyone blame the audience if they didn't allow themselves to get too attached to whatever interesting, out-of-the-box programs Fox provides come spring?

The most interesting shows, the ones that stick with us long after they leave the airwaves, are almost always risky, and many of them don't start out as hits (need we cite SEINFELD?). This season, networks like ABC and UPN have taken risks with shows like LOST and VERONICA MARS, and TV is much the better for it. Wouldn't it be nice if the network that gave us one of the most influential genre shows of the 1990s would join in the fun as well?


And renewing ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT certainly wouldn't hurt.


The Week Rerun

Stargate: CND - Once again, the cruel machinations of a corporate behemoth strive to crush the ambitions of the little guy. In this case, the behemoth in question is MGM, and the little guy is a group of computer-savvy STARGATE fans who were attempting to construct a HALF-LIFE 2 level based on their favorite show. Which MGM did not see the humor in. Because, as we all know, multimillion-dollar franchises can never survive the encroachment of devout fans finding new ways to express their passion and enthusiasm for their favorite show. Ahem.

It could be worse, he could be on JOEY - There were some that predicted ill tidings for the cast of FRIENDS in the aftermath of their long and successful run. Some cited the examples such as the diaspora of the SEINFELD gang as evidence that the fates awaiting the former Central perk crowd would be crueler even than starring in films featuring baseball-playing chimpanzees. But not so Matthew Perry. For Chandler-that-was, the future's so bright, he's gotta wear shades. Mirrored shades, to be precise, as befits a member of the California Highway Patrol. According to rumor, Perry is in talks to play Officer Jon Baker, opposite George Lopez's Frank "Ponch" Poncharello, in a big-screen remake of CHiPS. It's the end of the world as we know it, ladies and gentlemen, and I'm not feeling so fine.

Third time's the CHARMED - Good lord, this is the third time in as many weeks that I've actually allotted more words to CHARMED than its standard-issue weekly episode listing. Let it never be said that I am not a fair and giving host. Not necessarily good news, however. According to the show's exec producer, the upcoming season finale is also designed to function as a series finale if the show doesn't get renewed. CHARMED gets seven years and closure, while ENTERPRISE and TRU CALLING are struck down just when they were getting interesting. Mr. Niven had it right: TANJ.

Speaking of which... - Poor little ENTERPRISE. You're truly the Rodney Dangerfield of the TREK world. The other series have not only finished their runs, but have always held out the hope, however slim, of finding rebirth on the big screen. Granted, all the modern series have been living in the shadow of the NEXT GEN cast when it comes to the silver screen, but now that Picard et al have grown weary of returning to that particular well, Captain Archer and crew have been denied even that slender hope. Blame low ratings, blame executive turnover in the upper levels of Paramount, blame whatever you like--but according to Scott Bakula, the only place the ENTERPRISE cast will be boldly going after the series finale is the bread line.

So, what brought you the televisual joy this week? Drop me a line at tvwasteland@cinescape.com and let me know. Keep your head and hands inside the television, folks...


MONDAY, APRIL 25

THE DIRTY DOZEN (6 PM CST, WGN) It's sort of like the Suicide Squad, except set during WWII and sans Captain Boomerang.

CHANGING LANES (7 PM CST, FX) Remember when Ben Affleck occasionally made good movies?

BRITAIN'S X-FILES (7 PM CST, History Channel) Otherwise known as QUATERMASS. Professor Challenger references aside, if you want to learn about the history of UFOs across the pond, be sure to set the Tivo.

24 (8 PM CST, Fox) Jack catches heat for mistreating a suspect, Marwan tapes a message for America, and ex-Pres Palmer finally makes his return.

LAS VEGAS (8 PM CST, NBC) "Hide and Sneak." If there's anyone out there who's been itching for the return of new episodes, here you go. But really, wouldn't you rather watch 24?

DIGGING FOR THE TRUTH (8 PM CST, History Channel) "Giants of Easter Island." Investigating big-ass heads.

MEDIUM (9 PM CST, NBC) "Being Mrs. O'Leary's Cow." Since this is supposed to be about Allison dreaming of an airplane crash, I can't wait to see how the cow factors in.

DEAN KOONTZ'S 'MR. MURDER' (10 PM CST, Sci-Fi) One of the Baldwins is threatened by his murderous clone, and Thomas Haden Church appears post-WINGS and pre-Oscar nomination.


TUESDAY, APRIL 26

FIRESTARTER: REKINDLED (6 PM CST, Sci-Fi) WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER's Marguerite Moreau takes over from Drew Barrymore in this miniseries sequel to the 1984 flick.

GILMORE GIRLS (7 PM CST, WB) "But I'm a Gilmore." After BAD SANTA and SIN CITY, I'll never be able to view Rory and Lorelai the same way again.

MAKING OF 'KINGDOM OF HEAVEN' (7:30 PM CST, HBO) A look into Ridley Scott's upcoming Crusade drama (featuring Orlando Bloom with fake chest hair!).

SCRUBS (8 PM CST, NBC) "My Drive By." Turk faces a challenge from Cox, and Elliot tries abstinence. True humor waits.

VERONICA MARS (8 PM CST, UPN) "M.A.D." Veronica helps a classmate who's being blackmailed by her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Keith tries to track down the AWOL Duncan. Only three eps left!

BAD SANTA (8 PM CST, Starz) Ahh, Lauren Graham...

THE OFFICE (8:30 PM CST, NBC) "Hot Girl." The hot girl in question is the cute handbag vendor Michael lets set up shop in a conference room, and who then becomes the nexus of competition amongst the male staff.

BLIND JUSTICE (9 PM CST, ABC) "Past Imperfect." Detective Dunbar dons red tights, kicks the Purple Man in the crotch.

THE SHIELD (9 PM CST, FX) "Hurt." The aftermath of the church raid causes problems for Vic. Meanwhile, Antwon offers to return Angie's body to Shane if he'll pop a cap in his old boss.


WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27

LOST: THE JOURNEY (7 PM CST, ABC) Consider this the Cliff's Notes version of the assorted plot threads still dangling as we near the end of the first season.

SMALLVILLE (7 PM CST, WB) "Blank." Clark gets struck down by a radioactive cliché: amnesia.

REVELATIONS (8 PM CST, NBC) The professor and the nun go hunting for the mother of the "miracle child." As for me, I keep waiting for Dr. Massey to find a lecture podium and deliver a rousing speech about our Independence Day.

ALIAS (8 PM CST, ABC) "A Clean Conscience." Dixon works with an old colleague who may or may not have gone over to the dark side, while Jack deals with the fact that he now glows in the dark and causes nearby houseplants to wilt.

AMERICAN MULLET (8 PM CST, Trio) I don't know a thing about this documentary, but I just couldn't pass up working in a mullet reference.

EYES (9 PM CST, ABC) "Shots." If you're a fan of seeing bad things happen to bad people in slightly illegal ways, I can't recommend this show enough. Comeuppance has rarely been this much fun.

CSI: NY (9 PM CST, CBS) "Supply and Demand." A college student runs lethally afoul of some drug dealers. Which totally kills his buzz.

MAKING OF 'THE INTERPRETER' (9:45 PM CST, HBO) Learn answers to questions such as, "How did they get permission to film inside the U.N.?" and "Why is Nicole Kidman's accent so bad?" and "Whatever happened to Sean Penn's sense of humor?"


THURSDAY, APRIL 28

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (6 PM CST, Sci-Fi) Yet another chance to catch the miniseries that started it all. Okay, I realize the original series actually started it all, but I meant the miniseries that started it all and doesn't star Dirk Benedict.

THE O.C. (7 PM CST, Fox) "The Return of the Nana." Seth eats a bad banana. Then, 43 minutes later, it returns.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (8 PM CST, CBS) "Committed." Grissom and Sara investigate a murder in a mental hospital. If the suspect doesn't plead insanity, he needs a better lawyer.

GALAXY QUEST (9 PM CST, TBS) Still the best STAR TREK movie in years.


FRIDAY, APRIL 29

STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE (7 PM CST, UPN) "In a Mirror, Darkly, Part Two." Evil Archer and company shanghai the time-lost Defiant in order to defend the embattled Terran Empire. Also, T'Pol may don a velour miniskirt.

PREDATOR (7 PM CST, AMC) How many other genre flicks can boast two future governors in their cast?

LAW & ORDER: TRIAL BY JURY (9 PM CST, NBC) "Blue Wall." Tonight's case revolves around a gay teen that dies in police custody.

NUMBERS (9 PM CST, CBS) "Sacrifice." A computer-science researcher is murdered in his Hollywood Hills home, and data from the government project on which he was working is found missing. Sadly, the research does not involve Area 51 in any way.

DINNER FOR FIVE (9 PM CST, IFC) Jon Favreau breaks bread with David Duchovny, Dax Shepherd, Tim Blake Nelson, and Stephen Root.


SATURDAY, APRIL 30

DIVE TO THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE (7 PM CST, Discovery) Cutting-edge tech and scientific know-how unite to try to discover the fate of the five U.S. Navy Avenger planes that vanished in the Triangle in December 1945.

HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE (7 PM CST, ABC) It's long, it's ponderous, but by God it's faithful!

WARM SPRINGS (7 PM CST, HBO) Kenneth Branagh plays Franklin D. Roosevelt in search of a cure for his polio.

THE BATMAN (7:30 PM CST, Cartoon Network) "The Big Chill." I doubt this new take on Mister Freeze will match the brilliance of Paul Dini's "Heart of Ice", but at least Clancy Brown is a worthy voice-replacement for Michael Ansara.

MAN-THING (8 PM CST, Sci-Fi) Straight from the bottom of Marvel's barrel, a big plant monster menaces a bunch of Australians pretending not to be Australian.


SUNDAY, MAY 1

KING OF THE HILL (6 PM CST, Fox) "Gone with the Windstorm." Peggy helps Nancy the weather girl fight back when she loses her job to an honest-to-gosh meteorologist (voiced by Brendan Fraser).

MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (6:30 PM CST, Fox) "Stilts." Malcolm has more reason to hate his job than most when he gets volunteered to promote Lucky Aide while dressed as Uncle Sam...complete with stilts.

THE SIMPSONS (7 PM CST, Fox) "Don't Fear the Roofer." Ray Romano guests as a roofer who befriends Homer, and whom Marge suspects may not actually exist.

CHARMED (7 PM CST, WB) "Freaky Phoebe." Phoebe's soul is imprisoned by an evil sorceress.

THE SIMPSONS (7:30 PM CST, Fox) "The Heartbroke Kid." After Bart suffers a heart attack from too much junk food, he's shipped off to a fat farm run by guest-voice Albert Brooks.

FAMILY GUY (8 PM CST, Fox) "North by North Quahog." It's back, baby! In an unprecedented return to network television thanks to DVD sales and cable ratings, Seth MacFarlane's Griffith family takes their victory lap around Fox Sunday nights.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (8 PM CST, ABC) "Fear No More." Gabrielle is preggers, and given the dictates of televised drama, I'm betting it isn't her husband's.

DEADWOOD (8 PM CST, HBO) "Amalgamation and Capital." That sounds like the title of some soul-sucking corporate self-help lecture, but I'm betting those lectures contain slightly less profanity than this show.

AMERICAN DAD (8:30 PM CST, Fox) "Threat Levels." CIA agent Stan doesn't react well when his wife lands a new job that means she's earning more than him. The pilot was a little too much like FAMILY GUY for its own good, but hopefully MacFarlane's new animated foray will find its footing in the coming weeks. Especially since this whole "Animation Domination" thing helped contribute to an abbreviated season of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.



This concludes our broadcast.