Turkeys on the Telly

By: Andrew Hershberger
Date: Thursday, November 28, 2002

Thanksgiving, what does it mean? Is it a celebration of the famous, and fabricated, tale of the pilgrims and the Indians - I mean Native Americans - bonding over grubs? Well, in advertising terms, sure. But that was yesterday, and if there's one thing about yesterday, it's that it's over. Thanksgiving today is about television programming. Starting with the monotonous Macy's parade and winding down with football and insipid family-oriented programming, it's a day we celebrate all things broadcast or pre-recorded. Sure, there's the food angle: mountains of high calorie dead flesh, overcooked tubers mixed with marshmallows, booze laced pumpkin pie and the obligatory one casserole item that hides a lost band-aid.

Speaking of the dead flesh or, as it is more commonly known, the turkey, its inclusion often upsets the politically correct vegan family member. Their refusal to eat the flesh of another living creature that isn't a significant other, or one night stand, causes them to miss out on the beloved "turkey coma." How can they hope to compensate for this loss? Simple: there is a vegan turkey, one that can be ingested not by the consuming of dead fowl flesh, but by the consumption of low caliber films. The cinematic turkey. All one needs to get the necessary dose for a "coma" is go to your fine video establishment, check out one of the films listed below, and possess enough strength to wrestle the TV away from the visiting in-laws if you're a vegan, good luck. After 10 to 15 minutes of viewing the following all time cinematic turkeys, you too will reach a level approaching catatonia - catatonia from laughter.

ILSA: SHE WOLF

OF THE SS (1974) Directed by Don Edmonds

Everybody loved SCHINDLER'S LIST and what better time than Thanksgiving when you're surrounded by family to indulge in a historical film about the Third Reich. This is the sorrowful story of a Nazi dominatrix/doctor name Ilsa who uses her power to torture and maim all the inhabitants of the camp. Boy, you'll get a tear in your eye as you follow the story of Wolfe, the hero of the piece. He's the only one who can tame Ilsa by his good-natured ability to go for as long as he likes, as much as he'd like (and we ain't talking about running) - an ability that saves him from being castrated. (Long, unfamiliar words like castration can be taught to children using ILSA as a sort of cinematic diagram.) With plenty to satisfy even the most jaded family members - like the scenes with the gaping wounds, or the one where that girl gets boiled alive, and who can forget the classic "lopping of the ol' John Thomas" opening ILSA: SHE WOLF OF THE SS goes a long way in teaching the family to forget the meaning of the word forgiveness. Available in an uncut, crystal clear print on DVD from Anchor Bay, this is a must for those longing to be disowned.

BEWARE: CHILDREN

AT PLAY (1989) Directed by Mik Cribben

With the minor success of CHILDREN OF THE CORN five years earlier, the time was ripe for a rip off, and this certainly is one. A small town is plagued by mysterious murders that turn out to be the work of "lost" children. With poor editing and apparently only one or two cameras being used to shoot the entire film, this is pretty sluggish. Good thing the brutal massacre of all the murderous youth is shown in graphic detail at the end. You can raise a glass at this point and propose the toast "thank god we're not them" though that may result in a sever beating from all the parents present. Renting this film goes a long way toward helping one achieve the coveted "insensitive jack-off" title. BEWARE: CHILDREN AT PLAY is available on DVD, with a pretty good print, from Troma Entertainment and is like an alternate version of A CHRISTMAS STORY, in which Ralphie gets shot in the face at point blank range.

ANGELS' WILD

WOMEN (1972) Directed by Al Adamson

Biker movies were all the rage in the early '70s; alas, that rage didn't last to 1972 when they were replaced by tough women in prison flicks. Al Adamson had already completed a biker picture and didn't think it would sell. The solution: tack on a couple of "women kick'n booty" scenes and market it as a killer momma movie. It may have sold drive-in tickets, but it sure doesn't make sense. At one point the females are all quasi-ninjas, the next pathetic victims for a Manson-like cult. Thank God all is to be saved by a guy which sort of negates the female power slant. Looks like two movies slapped together at random, but holds one transfixed by its absurdity. Al Adamson has become a cult name to watch, most likely due to the excellent work Troma Entertainment did on this DVD and the four other titles of his they released, not to mention the current thirst for grade Z trash (which your relatives do not share).

THE CURIOUS

DR. HUMPP (1967) Directed by Emilio Vieyra

A doctor needs nymphomaniacs to procreate so he can drain their love-making essence into a formula to prevent him from becoming a monster. Once these lust crazed youths' desires reach a certain point they turn into sluggish humanoids sporting monster masks that look like they were carved from coconuts. The whole insidious affair turns out to be the plot of a rather pissy brain in a jar that needs the sex essence to help find a way to prevent death. The extra raunchy soft-core nudity added to the film for its American release will cause many of the youngsters watching the film to run to the bathroom, even though they just went five minutes ago. Family relations will reach a new low when you rent this classic on DVD. Available from Image Entertainment on the Something Weird Video line from a print so crisp you'll swear it was filmed yesterday, in your neighbor's basement.

VAMPYROS

LESBOS (1970) Directed by Jess Franco

For fans of vampire films that feature lesbians, this is one for the whole family to enjoy - separately. A young woman has strange dreams about a lovely stripper. One day she finds herself called to a beautiful mansion, headed by that wacky dream stripper. As these things are wont to turn out, the stripper is really a Countess, the Countess is really a vampire, and women are sometimes more than just friends. Directed by the insanely prolific Jess Franco, it sports a great soundtrack, an even better title and a pacing just a little north of boring or is that Boing. A beautiful print of this film is available on DVD from Synapse Video. Ask for it wherever lesbian vampire films are sold like Wal-Mart.

PLEASE DON'T

EAT MY MOTHER (1972) Directed by Carl Monson

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS was the obvious inspiration for this film about a pathetic momma's boy and his developing relationship with a man-eating plant. Ostensibly about an old man desperate for friends, it instead turns into a series of badly paced comedy routines mixed with rather saucy soft-core footage. Though, don't worry this isn't an X-rated film - it's a "Restricted Audience" film, which to hear producer Harry Novak explain things, means it's an R. To hear the MPAA explain things, it's an un-rated film. Kids will love the flower monster, adults will love the touchy feely but not too touchy feely love escapades, and uncles will relate to the peeping Tom character a little to well, in fact. Available on DVD from a stunning print from Image Entertainment's Something Weird Video line, this is a film that goes the extra distance to prove that at least one sexy actress is a real strawberry blonde. An under-the-mattress favorite.

THE GRUESOME

TWOSOME (1967) Directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis

A mother and her mentally unhinged son, Rodney, run one of the best wig shops in town. How do they do it? Well, the secret is scalping young college girls who rent rooms in their house. A lot of dime store effects and dyed Karo Syrup went into this classic, which spends most of its time focusing on the wig shop proprietor's one-sided conversations with her cat Napoleon. The finest moment comes at the very beginning when two Styrofoam wig display heads talk to each other which amounts to voice-over narration as neither is animated until one is stabbed to... would that be death? A good print of this is available on DVD from Image Entertainment on the Something Weird Video line. This is a movie that will make you hate elderly people with differently-abled children. (Every family has 'em, you know just look across the dinner table.)

MARDI GRAS

MASSACRE (1978) Directed by Jack Weis

"Are you evil? I'm looking for someone evil!" So says the villain in this incomprehensible mess. A man is sacrificing evil women in a plot to raise the ancient god Quetzalcoatl. Does he succeed? No. Is there a lot of flesh? Yes. Will you be laughing for hours afterwards at how terrible this movie is? Oh, yes. A cheesy disco score, an overacting bad guy, and a focus that suggests a crack head behind the camera, this is a masterpiece in the so-bad-it's-good category. An excellent picture that is due a DVD release. Out of print on video also, but still available where older videos are available for rent maybe.

DOLEMITE (1975) Directed by D'Urville Martin

"They say that

Willie Green was the baddest muther @#&*#$ the world had ever seen." Not so. The baddest, coolest cat of them all is Dolemite, and anybody who tries to say otherwise won't get to hear him tell the story of the Signifying Monkey possibly a blessing. Dolemite is released from prison, but on the outside there are a lot of people who want him dead. It's a good thing he's got Queen Bee watching his back with her karate trained squad of prostitutes. In no time, it's clean up time but not in regards to language. Not really sure if this is a send-up or just a really bad movie, but who cares. Rudy Ray Moore's Dolemite, the pimp with the heart of gold and fists of fury, must be seen to be disbelieved. Asked to believe this out-of-shape actor is able to deliver death blows, the audience has no recourse but to laugh. Looking somewhat good on DVD from Xenon, this is a must-see and if you don't rent this you'd be such a jive-ass turkey that the family should eat you on Thanksgiving.

DEADLY

WEAPONS (1973) Directed by Doris Wishman

Simply the be-all end-all of films dealing with women who asphyxiate men with their enormous size 73 breasts. A chest-heavy dame almost married to the mob is talking on the phone to her mob connected fiancé when some of his co-workers come in and kill him. Then while the phone is off the hook they discuss what they'll be doing the next couple of days. This is vital information for a woman whose only recourse in such a situation is to smother their lights out with her enormous chest. Featuring a supporting role by porn superstar and hairiest man ever Harry Reems, this is one of Doris Wishman's greatest films. All the Wishman tricks are here whole film is overdubbed, lingering shots of inanimate objects, loss of focus and boy don't you just love her for it. Followed by another heavy breast classic, DOUBLE AGENT 73. A nice looking print is available on DVD from Image Entertainment on the Something Weird Video line. Put this one on after dinner and this Thanksgiving will be the best holiday Grandpa's had since his tour of duty in France of '45.