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TV Wasteland: Bad Luck
Friday the 13th witnesses another quiet week in the Wasteland
By Rob Vaux
April 09, 2012
TV hits an April lull again, in preparation for May sweeps. Let’s have a look!
Being Human (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Season Two comes to a close as Sally’s mother returns and Aiden decides to take out Mother. A whole lotta Freud going on here.
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Season One ends with Bo launching a renewed search for her mother.
Machete (Cinemax, 9:00 PM EST)
Inflammatory rhetoric for no apparent purpose? You’re soaking in it!
Armageddon (FX, 7:00 PM EST)
Careful kids: this is pure unfiltered Michael Bay. First-time users may want to dilute it with a period drama or romantic comedy before proceeding.
Valhalla Rising (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Mads Mikkelsen is an enormous slab of a man, which might explain why he takes on the entire New World in this well-regarded Viking epic.
Mimic (IFC, 10:00 PM EST)
From the mind of Guillermo del Toro comes the tale of giant insects who inhabit the tunnels beneath New York. It’s awfully silly sometimes, but it still packs a hell of a punch.
Son of Frankenstein (TCM, 9:30 PM EST)
Boris Karloff plays the monster for a third and final time in the middling follow-up to Frankenstein and The Bride of Frankenstein. Bela Lugosi joins the fun as the hunchbacked Igor, and fans of Young Frankenstein will find a lot of the tropes Mel Brooks was riffing on here.
Eyes without a Face (TCM, 10:15 PM EST)
If you’re looking for something creepy and different, check out this 1959 thriller about a surgeon who kidnaps and kills women to repair his daughter’s ruined face. Absolutely not to be missed!
2012 (FX, 6:30 PM EST)
A chilling harbinger of this year’s Christmas holiday. Unless, of course, the Mayans were wrong and what are the odds of that?
Looks like Breaking In is off the schedule. That was fast…
Ghost Hunters (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The team checks out a frat house at the University of Rhode Island, supposedly haunted by… what? A coed they killed? The victim of a hazing ritual? Some bit of foulness, I’m sure.
Monster Man (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
The company gets a visit from Wee Man of Jackass fame while trying to build a giant pair of Puss in Boots boots for a Dreamworks event.
Underdog (Disney, 8:30 PM EST)
Don’t remember this live-action version of the 1960s cartoon? Jason Lee, Amy Adams and Peter Dinklage all thank you.
Zombieland (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
If you look close, you can spot the Twinkies Woody Harrelson was so desperately searching for far earlier than they have any right to appear. Of course, he’s busy braining a zombie at the time so we’ll forgive him if he overlooks it.
Legion (FX, 10:00 PM EST)
This decent time-waster about the end of the world has officially hit basic cable… for what that’s worth.
Death Becomes Her (Cinemax, 8:15 PM EST)
Robert Zemeckis scored with great effects and a sound concept, but missed the boat on everything else in this tale about shallow rivals who take a potion of immortality.
The Adjustment Bureau (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
Believe it or not, it’s a love story.
I,Robot (FMC, 7:00 PM EST)
The Fresh Prince does fine, but the real scene stealer is Firefly’s Alan Tudyk, playing a robot accused of murder.
Green Lantern (HBO, 7:15 PM EST)
This really, really should have been better.
Hostel and Hostel Part II (IFC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:00 PM EST)
Torture porn sucks. It always did. I’m just glad we all realized it so quickly.
Beastly (Showtime, 7:30 PM EST)
We already have a decent version of Beauty and the Beast – two of them – so why do we need this one?
Priest (Starz, 7:30 PM EST)
I can forgive Pual Bettany a lot, especially when the stakes aren’t high. Even so, this comic book adaptation needed more in its corner than what it had.
Aliens (Syfy, 6:00 PM EST)
Just tell yourself there were no sequels after this one, and everything gets much better.
X-Men (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
There’s plenty of sequels after this one, though they’re kind of a double-edged sword sometimes.
The Big Bang Theory, The Vampire Diaries and The Secret Circle are all reruns this week.
I’d just like to point out that not a single station – not one – scheduled a Friday the 13th movie to run on Friday the 13th. Words fail. (Thankfully, it gives you plenty of time to catch the brilliant Cabin in the Woods in theaters.)
Fringe (Fox, 9:00 PM EST)
It’s Walter’s turn to head into the alternate universe, seeking the source of a powerful event affecting both worlds.
Grimm (NBC, 9:00 PM EST)
Nick finds out that Hank is seeing the same monster who tried to kill Marie. I assume that means “seeing” in the Biblical sense, but I can’t be sure.
The Silence of the Lambs (Bravo, 6:20 PM EST and 9:00 PM EST)
We don’t usually tout Bravo because it sucks. With Silence, however, we’re prepared to make an exception.
The Usual Suspects (Cinemax, 7:00 PM EST)
Bryan Singer’s modern classic taught us all that holding a gun sideways is really cool.
Seven (Cinemax, 8:45 PM EST)
Both Seven and The Usual Suspects came out in 1995, a banner year for movies that included Heat, Twelve Monkeys, Devil in a Blue Dress, Babe, The City of Lost Children and Dead Man Walking. Naturally, they gave the Oscar to something else.
Wanted (FX, 7:30 PM EST)
I’m a little shocked at how well nice-guy James McAvoy plays an absolute douche.
Fast Five (HBO, 7:45 PM EST)
Is it me, or it the Rock composed almost entirely of flop sweat here?
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (IFC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:00 PM EST)
Joss Whedon has disowned it, but it holds up well enough… if you don’t take the TV show into account.
Scream (Showtime, 9:00 PM EST)
I’ve never been fond of this iconic horror film from the 90s and I don’t think time has improved its qualities. The Cabin in the Woods eats its lunch.
Nikita and Supernatural are both reruns this week.
Being Human (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
The Old Ones arrive as the fourth season comes to a conclusion, and that can’t be good for anyone. (Note for non-fans: these aren’t the Lovecraftian Old Ones, but rather vampires. I know, I got excited too.)
Titanic (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
ABC commemorates the anniversary of the infamous disaster with an all-new miniseries. In other news, James Cameron will be suing the tits off them.
Aladdin (ABC Family, 7:00 PM EST)
Considering how popular and widely praised this Disney animated feature was, it holds up distressingly poorly. Robin Williams’ shtick ages like an open can of tuna and the animation quality cleaves closer to second-tier television cartoons than a high-end feature from the perennial animation studio.
Beauty and the Beast (ABC Family, 9:00 PM EST)
Look at the timeless animation here and compare it to Aladdin’s, then tell me which one is the real classic.
X-Men: First Class (Cinemax, 7:45 PM EST)
This prequel to the durable X-Men franchise definitely has future classic written all over it.
Alien: The Director’s Cut (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
Cameron took the Alien physiology in a different direction, but the changes to the first film here give it a much more chilling, Lovecraftian overtone. If you haven’t seen the director’s cut, set your DVRs now.
X-Men: The Last Stand (FMC, 7:30 PM EST)
Ironic that a movie about tolerance and understanding was helmed by a guy who tosses around homophobic epitaphs with disturbing abandon.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
In entertainment terms, the film itself ranks a distant second to watching Brad and Angelina eye-fuck each other.
The Devil’s Rejects (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Rob Zombie turns a sequel to a pretty bad horror film into a pretty good horror film.
Night of the Living Dead (IFC, 10:15 PM EST)
At last, someone remembers that George A. Romero actually directed one of these things.
Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (Showtime, 8:00 PM EST)
Somehow, all of the recent ninja turtle idiocy can be traced back to this title…
Piranha (Showtime, 10:00 PM EST)
God bless Christopher Lloyd. That is all.
The Indiana Jones Sequels (Syfy, 3:30 PM EST, 6:00 PM EST and 9:00 PM EST)
Yes, you read that right. Temple of Doom, Last Crusade and Crystal Skull, but not Raiders. And Syfy wonders why we don’t respect them…
Titanic (ABC, 9:00 PM EST)
After a three-hour set up on Saturday, ABC concludes with a one-hour finale tonight. You may have already guessed what happens.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Syfy, 6:00 PM EST)
For those who missed it on Saturday.
War of the Worlds (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Steven Spielberg finds some haunting moments in his update of the H.G. Wells classic. He just can’t join them together in a satisfying whole.
Fight Club (Sundance, 7:30 PM EST)
I’d love to talk more about this, but I’m following the first rule of Fight Club.
Once Upon a Time is a rerun this week.